Where's My Love? - Lo'ak

Chapter 49: She is Faith

This chapter contains suicidal thoughts, panic attack and self hatred. Also moments of anger which result in one hurting themselves

Lo'ak couldn't handle the support he was getting from his father anymore, because although his dad was holding him, he could tell it was out of pity and not love, and so he pushed him away.

He pushes him away and wipes his tears acting as if everything is okay.

Jake stumbles from the push and goes to grab his son again but he gets a slap to the hand, and a glare from Lo'ak.

"Son-"

"Just ground me and be done with it." Lo'ak mumbles, his gaze moving to the floor.

"What?"

"Nevermind. Just forget I even said anything. Not like it matters, just the disappointment son." Lo'ak shrugs his shoulders, taking his father's silence as his answer.

His father didn't argue with him. His father didn't try to deny his statement. He just lets Lo'ak stand there and allows the boy to feel like a disappointment, and that's what hurts Lo'ak the most.

"Don't worry, I'll be home before eclipse." Lo'ak mumbles, going towards the hut entrance and pulling the blind open, leaving his father.

He needs to cry alone. He needs to cry away from his father, away from the man he has tried to make proud so many times and has failed.

He knows he is a troublemaker, and he knows he is reckless. The reasoning though is all because he wants to prove his strength, prove that he can survive on his own. And yet even when he does that, proves that Payakan isn't bad, his father still doesn't see him.

His father instead just sees disgrace, shame, disappointed.

It's a hard truth to follow, but he knows his father would rather wish him dead than Neteyam, Kiri, or Tuk.

Neteyam is the golden boy. The golden child. He could walk through fire and still get praised for it. His brother could be the reason for war and Jake would still see him as perfect.

And Kiri, although not Jake's daughter by blood, but by love is the perfect example of a strong heart. She listens, she learns, and she doesn't let her curiosity put her in danger.

And Tuk, his baby sister, could do no wrong. She is young and still needs guidance in the world, but even with her youthful age, she is a fighter and won't leave anyone behind.

And then there's him. Troublemaker, disgrace, brought shame to the family. He is the son his parents never wanted. He is the son who will do wrong no matter what. He could walk in front of Jake and take a bullet for his father, or Neteyam, or his mother and Jake would still find a reason to hate him. He is nothing more than a mistake. He knows that now. And he knows more than anything that his father doesn't love him or see him. His father simply tolerates him because he has too.

Lo'ak is sure that if it weren't for his mother, Jake would have banished him along with Esmyrie. Because Esmyrie is an outcast and so is he.

He is the reason Nilar has died, his father made that clear after the train heist, he is the reason Spider got captured, he is the reason Jake's golden boy son got a punch to the nose. He is the reason for so many wrongdoings.

He is a disgrace, a mistake, a boy who brings shame to the family because he can't follow orders and sit still.

And he isn't seen by his father. He isn't loved by his father. He simply just exists in his father's presence and causes Jake worry. He doesn't know why his father worries though, because if he dies then Jake doesn't have to deal with him anymore.