Broken • Choi Yeonjun

I don't know

"I need to go do some research." Taehyun said before heading to his room. 

My eyes were downcast as I process what I had just been told. Was immortal life what I wanted? Was I willing to just slowly die? 

I pull my foot up onto the couch, although I had my sock back on, I could still picture the black that was slowly creeping up it. Slowly killing me. 

"I don't know if I could do it." I admit out loud as I look up to meet Beamgyu's eyes. "I was so scared while facing those demons that were attacking Huening Kai. How could I do this for god know's how long..." 

"You would grow used to it." Yeonjun cut in, coming to take his usual seat on the couch. "It's either you learn to deal with it, or die." Of course, he wasn't fazed by the fact I could die. 

Maybe I was meant to die... The world seemed to be trying to end my life. It just kept coming at me, in so many different ways. "Maybe I am meant to die." 

Yeonjun scoffed as if what I said was the dumbest thing he had ever heard. "All of us here were meant to die, but did we?" 

No, they were right here. Alive. "What if I don't want to take lives? What if I don't want to keep seeing this side of the world? And there is no guarantee that I can even be given an immortal life!" I stand up, my hands balling into fists as I try and fight my emotions off. 

I was really tired of seeing how bad the world really was. I wanted to go back to being blind. I wanted to live my life in ignorant bliss, not knowing there were creatures that lurked in the shadows, waiting to snatch someone's life away. 

"So what? You're just going to give up? After everything you've been through?" Yeonjun stood up, turning to face me. 

"Not like I have to worry about anyone mourning my death anymore. I lost everything because I tried to be nice! Why not end it now before it gets worse?" Really, why not. Just give into what the world really wanted. I was growing tired of fighting anyways. 

"You're stupid." He said as he turned and left. 

"I'm stupid?" I place my open hand on my chest as I turn to face Beomgyu. 

His eyes went wide as he looked around, trying to figure out if I really was asking him. 

"Just forget it." I snap unnecessarily at him. 

I end up acting like a child, stomping all the way to my room, and slamming the door shut. 

I was stupid? How? We didn't even know if there was another way out of this mess for me. Even if I did choose to be a soul collector, there was no guarantee I could really take that path. 

My life was a mess, one that I had no idea how to fix. It was like a snow ball rolling down a hill, collecting more and more shit as it went on. If I let myself die... what would I lose? 

What about the ones that have been helping me since this all started? 

I sigh as I flop face-first onto my bed. They probably wouldn't bat an eye, I'm sure they had seen many people come and go. Hell, maybe they would be glad to have me off their hands. I know Yeonjun more than likely would be very glad to see me gone. 

Then why did he call me stupid for wanting to just give up? What was his issue? I thought he of all people would tell me to go for, to die. 

That's what he used to want, was it not? 

At least now my family wouldn't be harmed by my passing, they didn't know I even existed anymore. Would I meet my dad again? I really didn't know if he went to heaven or not... maybe I should ask Huening Kai, he should know..? 

A knock on my door broke my wild thoughts off. 

"Yeah?" I call as I push myself up, fixing my hair that was all in my face. 

"You okay...?" Soobin asked as he peeked through the cracked door. 

"I really don't know." I admit willingly, there was no point and acting as if I took that information like it was nothing. "I don't know what to do from here."

He offered a soft smile as he opened the door all the way. "You don't have to figure out what you're going to do right away, you have some time." 

"How much though?" The black on my foot was slowly creeping up my foot day by day. 

"I can't say..." 

I knew he would say that, a part of me just hoped he would have an answer that no one had. 

"I do know, whatever you choose. You have us to help you through it." 

That made me blink a few times, my stomach seemed to squirm a little. "I've done nothing but cause you guys trouble... would it be easier for you all, if I just left?" I wanted to know if my death would make things easier for them. 

"Evelyn, our lives are nothing but easy. Even before you came along, we had to face challenges every day, it's just less boring and repetitive now that you came around." The smile on his face and the look in his eyes made me believe him. 

But, I still didn't know if I could live this life...

"Don't overthink it right now, just know. I wouldn't mind you sticking around for a while longer. It's nice having the guys have someone else to pick on other then me, and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way."