𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙛𝙪𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩𝙣𝙚𝙧𝙚𝙙 | 𝔪𝔦𝔩𝔢𝔰 𝔣𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔠𝔥𝔦𝔩𝔡

𝚏𝚘𝚛𝚝𝚢 𝚝𝚠𝚘 : 𝚠𝚑𝚊𝚝 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚠𝚎 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐?

—————

The thing most people fail to notice about me is that I'm a lover through and through. I love until I don't have any love left for me to give to myself. It's not good, it's not healthy, and I know this. I know this now. I used to not see it so clearly. What I would see in black and white was to love everyone no matter what. Everyone was deserving of forgiveness no matter how bad they'd hurt me. I still see the part of people deserving forgiveness, and I continue to forgive, but forgiveness can only stretch so far. It's no longer easy for me to see the good in everyone. I now limit the people I choose to give my time to. By limiting the number of people I let in, I limit the number of times I can get hurt, the number of people who can really hurt me.
The thing most people fail to notice about me is that I'm an observer, and I favor peace. I love sitting in silence. I love music. I love when it rains. I love when it snows. I love staring at the ceiling and up at the stars. I enjoy people's company but I also enjoy my time alone. Believe it or not, it actually helps me to write my feelings. Somehow, seeing them in word form makes them seem a lot more manageable, so that's what I do.

-

I shut off my alarm, got ready, went to school. Same old boring routine. Something new that had wiggled its way into my weekday routine was Miles coming up to me at my locker, so on Friday, I waited around for this. After the events of the night prior, I didn't know how to feel about things. It was a toss up of my feelings all night long. Despite what I'd been told about staying away, I decided I would give it a shot. Whatever it was. All I knew was that it made me feel fun, and somehow, safe. I never thought I'd feel safe around Miles, but after spending more and more time with him that's a feeling that had grown all on its own, it wasn't so much a decision that was made. I wasn't going to act stupid and throw myself at him, throw myself away for him, or completely ignore the warnings I'd been given. I would stay at arms length, but that didn't mean I had to make it obvious. I didn't have to cut ties with him. I was able to do both, falling and paying attention at the same time.

I waited for him to come around but he didn't. That's what I hated about him. Whenever I felt I was finally able to understand a situation he would throw a curveball, he would make me question things. I told myself not to think too deeply into it. I knew Miles, and Miles did what Miles did. He could've been smoking, skipping, doing literally anything else. I figured that was the case so I shook it off quickly, but then he walked into first period.

He was probably smoking.

"Hey."
He'd said as he sat down. I smiled in acknowledgment and grabbed one of the student copies of 'The Bell Jar'— our class read— off of the table and handed him the other. We'd just started the book about two weeks before, so we hadn't made it too far in, but it was enough for me to already enjoy it.

"How's your morning been?"

He looked up from the book of which he was flipping through the pages and shrugged.
"I feel kind of bothered."

I scooted my chair an inch away.
"Oh, sorry."

"No, not because of you. Don't be sorry, you've done nothing wrong."

"What's bothering you then?"

"Uh, just some stupid school stuff is all."

"Wow, you stressing about school? That's new."
I teased. I liked that it felt comfortable enough between the two of us to be able to make fun of one another, whereas before, I was scared shitless to say the wrong thing. The thing that could make him snap. Of course that was always a lingering thought in the back of my mind, but the feeling wasn't so pertinent that it felt the need to overshadow everything else.