I watch you like a hawk _Oli Sykes Fanfiction

Chapter 53

Kat's POV

"This isn't fair, don't you try to blame this on me

My love for you was bulletproof but you're the one who shot me" _ Bulletproof Love, PTV

I walked around like a zombie for the whole next week. I went through everything I should, but there were no feelings behind it. Waking up, eating breakfast, training, going to Warped, going back to the bus, watching a movie, going to sleep. And I knew it was worrying my friends senseless, but I couldn't help it. I saw how every movement I made killed Amy, killed Ash, killed Oli, and still I wasn't able to come back. It was like forgiving Oli had exhausted me. I was drained of all emotion. I knew he loved me, and god knows I loved him, but I was completely unable to go back to how we were before.

In appearance, everything was perfect. I slept over at his bus when we didn't have any concert the next morning. We ate breakfast together, we walked around hand in hand, I smiled and kissed him...but there was no sincerity. There was no depth. It was all an image, an act. And I might be a good actress, but I knew he could tell, and I knew every time I pretended, it hurt him. I could see in his eyes how every time I kissed him, he died a little inside. But I couldn't stop. I was totally numb. Detached.

I hadn't even been able to tell Ash what was wrong.

It wasn't even some twisted way to try and get back to Oli for cheating on me. I had absolutely no desire to cause him pain in any way. I'd truly forgiven him. But it was like some subconscious part of me had taken control and blocked all access to my feelings. Self-defense, I guess. I hadn't forgotten what either Jane or Cam had told me about what had happened when they had forgiven the ones they loved, and apparently my body had taken it into its own hands to prevent the same thing from happening to me.

Oli had guessed what was happening, I was sure. He knew I was slipping away. Sometimes I wondered if I should just end it all. Surely it caused him more pain to stay with me when I was like this than breaking up would. But the part of me that was still fighting my numbness screamed at me whenever I entertained such thoughts. It screamed that when I woke up from this daze, I would need Oli like I'd never needed anyone.

But it made no sense really, when I added up all the things that were set against our relationship. I did that some nights, when he'd fallen asleep, his arms holding me close as if his warmth could bring back life to my body.

Warped ended in one week, and we wouldn't see each other for months after that.

I wasn't good enough for him.

He would only end up hurting me when he finally realized the same thing.

And if he didn't, I would hurt him. Because I'd never been able to maintain a stable relationship with anyone for more than a two weeks. I was a pro at fucking things up. Just like I was doing now, by being an emotionless piece of shit.

How could this go on? In the end it had only ever been a matter of time.

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Feel free to hate me ^^

sorry for the short filler, hopefully next chapter will make up for that hehe...

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Othilia.