I watch you like a hawk _Oli Sykes Fanfiction

Chapter 18

Oli's POV:

"How are we on a scale of one to ten?

Could you tell me what you see?

Do you wanna talk about it?

How does that make you feel?" _ Hospital for souls, BMTH

I was lying in my bunk, and once again, I couldn't sleep. Images of tonight flooded my mind: Kat's hard, dark half-smile as she drank to "Never have I ever cut myself". The thought of her cutting herself, hurting herself made me want to hit something. What could have pained her so much she took a blade to her wrists? What if she hadn't stopped, I suddenly thought. What if she still cut herself? The idea left me stunned. I wanted to scream and I wanted to shake some sense in her and I wanted to hold her and I -- I couldn't. I felt drained. I had no way to know if she still hurt herself, no way to know why -- my stomach twisted -- and no way to help her. I sighed and gropped for something else to think of, since this trail of thought was just useless and painful.

Another image of Kat popped into my mind, but this time her smile was genuine, her dark eyes slightly glazed over as she drank to our kiss. It was the only time she'd looked me in the eyes of the whole night. Despite Vic's claims, she'd seemed amused by the memory of the kiss. Then again, she was drunk. The real highlight of the night had been when she'd told us she'd never had sex with Purdy. Of course that didn't mean she didn't have any feelings for him, but it was something. I remembered Chris last night, telling Dan that Purdy was the only guy she'd ever had a stable 'more than just friends' relationship with. But what did that mean? Nothing. Besides, it seemed she was getting pretty comfortable with Austin too. After the drinking game, she'd sort of fallen asleep on him, though I'd seen her smile from time to time. At that moment, I would've given anything to swap places with Austin, to be the one she implicitely trusted to take care of her. But that wasn't likely to ever happen. And it made me miserable.

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Since we din't have any training or concerts scheduled, we just hung out with the crew and occasionnaly with members of PTV or OM&M. I avoided Twitter as well as any thought of Kat, instead concentrating on working on a few DropDead T-shirt designs I'd recently thought of.

I was working on my computer when my phone buzzed. it was a message from Shona, reminding me that my first training session with Shattered Dreams was tomorrow at 3pm. I sat there, looking at the phone, stunned.

"What's wrong?" Matt N asked from the other side of the room where he was playing cards with Lee.

"I've got training with Shattered Dreams tomorrow."

"How is that a problem? I thought you liked 'em?"

I shrugged and was spared answering when Tino and Aaron barged into the bus.

"Come on!" Aaron yelled. "The Storm's concert starts in half-an-hour and we've got to go now if we wanna be there in time. Hurry up!"

I hadn't planned on going to the concert, but it wasn't like I was getting back to work any time soon, what with my appehension about the training tomorrow, so I thought I might just as well go. So did the others, and we followed Aaron and Tino as they led us to the second stage. There was already a crowd forming, and I caught a glimpse of Cam at the first row. Was Kat there too? We joined Jaime, Phil and Alan at the back of the crowd, where the mosh pit would probably take place. After a while, we were joined by Kellin. I hadn't spoken to him since our internet clash, so there was a slight tension in the air as we looked at each other silently. Oh, fuck it. Kellin had been a good friend once, and I shouldn't let something as insignificant as an argument on internet change that. So I asked him about his daughter, Copeland. And just like that, the tension between us dissolved. A smile lit up his face and he started gushing about his daughter, his eyes shining with fatherly pride. As we waited for The Storm to come on stage, we talked about our families, bands and common friends.

"So I heard about you and Kat. Is she your girlfriend now?"

If only.

"No, we're just friends."

Well, sort of.

"Oh, okay."

I could swear he looked disappointed. Well, so was I.

Then we heard shouts in the crowd and looked up to see that The Storm had finally appeared. Kellin, who was apparently a friend of theirs, pointed them out to me one by one, telling me about them. The lead guitarist's name -- Louise Kimmer -- rang a bell, and I realized Kat had mentionned her as Cam's girlfriend at the party.

Then the music started and I was able to lose myself in it, forgetting all about Kat for a little while.

After the concert, Jaime and Kellin left to go see the band, while Matt N, Lee and I went to look for Matt K and Jordan, who'd left the bus early this morning. After twenty minutes' of fruitless search, we decided to get some lunch at a nearby restaurant. Lee called them up and told them to meet us there. We were waiting at a table outside, under a tent, when a group of three girls in their early twenties approached.

"Uh, hi," one of them said, her casual tone deeply contrasted by the bright excitement in her eyes. "Could we please take some pictures with you?"

Matt N smiled.

"Of course."

We took a few pictures, smiling or making funny faces at the camera. The girls lingered a little afterward, and since we didn't really have anything to do, we talked a little, about Warped, bands and music in general. The girl who'd spoken up first sat beside me at the table and gave me her name -- Emily. From the way she leaned in towards me whenever she said something, she was obviously interested, and wanted me to know it. As she told me that she would follow us to the next Warped destination, and that she was looking for to see us perform there, I couldn't help but compare her to Kat. Emily was undoubtedly pretty, with long lightbrown hair, tanned skin, bright green eyes and intricate tatoos that ran up her arms. But remembering Kat's svelte figure, her thick and wavy dark hair, perfect ivory skin and large black eyes, I sighed. Here was a perfectly good-looking woman, interested and available, and I was absolutely uninterested. Was Kat going to ruin me for every other woman? And for the first time, I resented her for what she had done to me, unwillingly, but nonetheless irreversibly. She had made me not only want her but love her, and she was nowhere near returning my feelings. What made it worse was that I wouldn't even be able to avoid her in the next few months, which would both prevent me from getting over her and probably deepen my feelings for her. I groaned internally, shuddering at the thought of my future sufferings.

"Oli?" Jordan's voice called me back to present time.

The fans were gone, and Matt K and Jordan had arrived. I managed a weak smile, telling him I was simply tired, and we ordered our food. Once done, we hurried back to the bus for our training, our next concert being in two days. And even as we trained, I felt a twinge of anxiety about the training I would do tomorrow. I should be happy about working with new people, people I really appreciated, like Ethan and Chris. Man, I should be extasic. Why did Kat have to ruin this for me?

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Awww poor Oli <3 I am sadistic, I enjoy making him suffer :P He's got Kat on his mind non stop haha

i'm loving this ;) who's excited for Oli's first training with Shattered Dreams?

Love you! Bye

_ Othilia