I watch you like a hawk _Oli Sykes Fanfiction

Chapter 16

Kat's POV

"No time for farewells, no chances for goodbyes

No explanation, no fucking reason why

I watch it eat you up" _ Suicide Season, BMTH

It was past 3am when I got back from the BVB tour bus, and there was only around 4 hours until we hit the road again. Only Chris was awake when I came in, and he was sitting in the couch, a glass of whisky in the hand.

"Hey, isn't it a bit late to still be up?"

He didn't answer, just gave me a half-hearted smile before returning to his drink. I frowned; Chris wasn't a very talkative person, but he certainly wasn't a 'drinking alone' one. I sat next to him, not really knowing how to reach out to him. Chris used to be my next-best friend when Amber was still alive, but her death, instead of uniting us in our sorrow, had driven a wedge between us. We were still good friends, of course, but it wasn't the same. I guessed it was because neither of us were the sharing type, both of us tended to internalize our pain.

"What's wrong?" I finally asked cautiously, already knowing the answer.

He just looked at me, his blue eyes filled with a sadness that made my throat constrict.

"Why now?" I half-whispered.

Again, he didn't answer, just shook his head and took another sip of his drink. I sighed and poured myself a glass. Memories of Amber filled me as we sat in silence. Amber laughing, throwing back her mane of auburn hair. Amber taking a picture of both of us in front of the Eiffel Tower, on our trip to Paris. Amber headbanging to Chelsea Smile in her bedroom, with the lights out and the volume set to maximum. Amber holding my wrist in her hands, telling me the scars that criss-crossed it weren't something to be ashamed of, but something to hold testament of my fight and victory against darkness. Well, look how that had turned out.

Suddenly Chris broke the silence.

"I think the worst thing isn't that she's dead. It isn't even that she commited suicide. The worst thing is I never saw it coming."

"You can't blame yourself for that, Chris. No one saw it coming."

"But can't you see? That's the problem! We should have! We were her best friends, for God's sake! I lived with her!"

"You know what? You're right. If anyone could have seen it coming, it should've been us. We were the ones she trusted. But here's the thing: she didn't trust us with this. She didn't want us to see it coming. And yes, I know, we should have seen it anyway, but we didn't, and there's nothing we can do about it now. It sucks, but there's nothing we can do about it. She didn't want us to know, and she's always been good at hiding things. So we didn't see through her happy mask. Does that make us bad friends? I don't know. Does it still keep me up at night? Yes. But even if we had known, could we have helped? Maybe, yeah. We could have tried. But she didn't want us to. Don't you understand? She didn't want want us to know because she didn't want us to help. It sucks, and it's messed up, but this is what she wanted."

I stopped, breathless, and realized I'd been crying. So was Chris.

"I just...I just miss her," he said, letting out a sob.

I put my arms around him.

"Me too."

We held on to each other as we cried for the loss of the person who had one meant the world to us. After a while, Chris pulled back and smiled through his tears.