I watch you like a hawk _Oli Sykes Fanfiction

Chapter 54

Oli's POV

"We fell in love and now we're both alone" _ Hell Above, PTV

I was in agony. Some times I wanted to take hold of her and shake her and scream at her. Why did you take me back if you didn't want me? But in the end I could only blame myself. It was all my fault. And to be honest, anything was better than her leaving me. Even this. Because for some reason, some part of me had faith that she would wake up from this state and go back to being the girl I loved. But in the meantime it hurt like nothing else. Because however much I could touch Kat, the real her was out of reach, buried somewhere deep within this lifeless body. And god, how I missed her.

I kept away from social networks because I knew they were filled of pictures of us. Apparently we were the new 'it' couple in the band world. So sad to think that we were already falling apart. Everyone around us had realized something was wrong by now. Even PTV, who hadn't known anything our troubles, had understood that everything was not what it seemed. When my band and I hung out with Of Mice & Men and Pierce The Veil, they didn't ask any questions about our relationship anymore. It was as if everything was on hold.

The concerts were just as well in terms of performance, but they lacked the intensity and emotional quality Kat usually transmitted. On the outside, nothing had changed, but it was oh-so-dreadfully different on the inside. It was as if she had given everything she had on that last concert, and ever since she had no feelings left. She was drained, I guessed. Empty.

But it was killing me. And it was also killing her bandmates, I could tell. I knew that Dan blamed me, and to be honest, so did I. I just had to ruin everything I touched. Kat had finally all she wanted in life, good friends and a perfect career, and I just had to step in and destroy all she had worked so hard for. The only thing that even remotely made me feel better was the fact that Purdy didn't hate me. Funny, huh? That his opinion should matter so much. But she was more than a sister to him, and surely if he didn't hate my guts for this, all hope wasn't lost.

I was desperately trying not to give up on her. Kat would always be something worth fighting for, but what if she didn't want to be fought for? It was hard not to give up on someone who had given up on herself. But if Purdy could do it, so could I. And I'd keep fighting for her, if only because she was my only salvation. I was myself on the brink of self-destruction, and I had a feeling only she could bring me back from the edge.

Even this semblance of her was better than being alone.

In the beginning of the second week, Chris called me. I didn't know he had my number, and frankly I didn't feel like talking to him, but the words 'it's about Kat' were enough to get me up from my bed and out the door in a second. It was early in the morning, and even though dawn had broken, there was no one outside yet. Except for Chris, who was waiting for me outside his bus. I figured Kat was still asleep. She had slept over at her own bus, seeing as we had a concert this afternoon. It broke my heart to know that I couldn't help her with her nightmares when she was away from me. Even now, as emotionless as she was, she still had them. They haunted her every night, I could tell, even if she smiled at me and told me everything was fine when I asked her about them. She wouldn't let me in anymore.

Chris startled me from my daze as he spoke up.

"It's not the first time she's like this, you know."

Immediately I was hooked.

"I can't tell you if she did the same after her parents died, because I wasn't there, but she went through a bit of the same thing right after Amber's death. It lasted for weeks on end. She would smile and go on with life as if everything was fine, but you could just tell how dead she was inside. There was nothing behind her eyes. I'm sure she skipped that part of the story when she told you about her past. Thing is, she doesn't see it as very important. To her it's actually the better part of her loss, because at the time she wouldn't feel anything. It's a way of delaying the pain, I guess. But it hurts the people around her so much. It killed me. I was already struggling with the suicide of the love of my life, but now it seemed I'd lost my best friend too. You would think it's good for her not to feel pain like that, but it's not normal. She wasn't going through the phases of loss like she should, she just got stuck in the denial part. Just bottling everything up and carrying on with her life as if nothing was wrong. Until one day it blew up in her face. It was bound to. I thought maybe once it happened, she would get better – and I guess she did, in a way – but it got really dark before. She started cutting again, drinking to soften the pain and just wallowing in her misery. I thought maybe we could go through this together, but she didn't let me in again. When she did get better, she found another best friend to share everything with. Purdy. Don't misunderstand me, I love the guy, but I can't help but be jealous of how close they are now. What they have, I used to have with her."