The Wrong Soulmate (BTS OT7)

Chapter 3.15-Yoona

As I started to get stronger I sometimes could oddly feel the anxiety in the bond increase. After seeing Jin expect that I wouldn't want him to bathe me anymore it became clear that they were concerned about the exact same thing I was. As much as they worried I would drift away and wouldn't need them anymore, I was equally terrified to lose our close connection. I'd never experienced love like this before and I wasn't sure how I could possibly go on without it. I had come to love constantly being in someone's arms, being fully taken care of and cared for.

But our relationship did transition some. I wanted to feel like I was contributing more and I knew that I had enough trauma to last a lifetime. It was time to start really focusing on healing.

The guys slowly introduced me to new therapies and therapists, but one of my soulmates was always by my side. I spent a lot of time doing homework my therapists assigned. I went from doing puzzles with a few very large pieces to puzzles that had many smaller pieces. I relearned how to tie my shoes. I found new ways to be safe in the kitchen. We'd discovered there really were two issues, first I had lost all my strength by the end of my time with Hyunjin, my body starved of the nutrition required to keep my muscles working. But I'd also learned the signals between my brain and the rest of my muscles weren't always working due to the terrible beatings I'd received, so re-leaning patterns through repetition was required. As I became tired my motor skills always deteriorated quickly so the boys continued to baby me and carry me everywhere as soon as they sensed I was even a bit sleepy.

Taehyung was my constant companion as I worked on learning sign language, learning right beside me. We would practice regularly and the other soulmates also began picking up some basic vocabulary. It was clear learning a whole new language was going to take a lot of time and I often felt quite frustrated, but Tae was always there to assure me that I was doing well and just needed to keep going.

One area I wasn't making any progress with was my hearing or speaking. I knew my soulmates could be trusted but I refused to let anyone touch or see my ears. Hyunjin had done unspeakable things to my ears after he discovered I was deaf and it was hard to imagine ever feeling comfortable with anyone touching them again. Even during my nightly baths Jin steered clear, very carefully washing my hair to ensure he didn't even brush any part of my ears. Any brush against them could send me into an emotional tailspin.

I remained confident that I could still speak but that capability remained locked deep inside. Hyunjin hated when I spoke after I lost my hearing and beat me mercilessly every time I did. So I had simply stopped. I knew I needed to deal with some of that trauma before I could really find my voice again.

Hobi joined me for each of my therapist sessions which we did online. They were kind of slow. Everything needed to be typed and my strength still was not fully recovered. But it slowly helped me further understand everything I had been brainwashed to believe that wasn't true. I hoped I'd never see Hyunjin or his family again for as long as I lived.

We'd also found ways as a group to begin to more effectively manage my day to day anxiety. The worst was when I was startled. It often led to fits of tears or full on panic attacks. But being surprised by my soulmate's presence was an increasingly frequent occurrence as I spent a few more minutes independently from them each day but remained unable to hear anyone approaching.

It was Jimin who first noticed that I rarely seemed startled when he was the one approaching, eventually chalking it up to the fact that he most consistently wore cologne which I could smell as he approached. Through a combination of simply being careful to ensure they were approaching me in my line of sight and using other cues, we were able to avoid the most acute of my PTSD.

I'd also become more physical with all of the guys. Initially seeing them interact lovingly with each other through touch and small kisses felt very foreign and made me blush, like I was seeing something I shouldn't. But over time it became more normal, and I started to increasingly enjoy being on the receiving end. My soulmates were very gentle with me and never pressed far, but made sure to smother me with kisses in ways that felt affirming rather than suffocating.

I still slept with Jungkook virtually every night so we'd had the most opportunities to take things a bit further than simple pecks on the lips. He'd entangle our tongues and cover my neck and collarbones with kisses. Sometimes his fingers would explore under my shirt but that was about as far as we had gone. Honestly the idea of sex was a total turn-off to me. Hyunjin had ensured that he received all of the pleasure out of it while I was relegated to the role of unwilling breeding matching. But being with Jungkook made me start to realize that it was possible for intimacy to feel good. It could be used to draw closer and connect further, and my curiosity was definitely piqued.

But I had one terrible fear that I didn't feel like I could share with anyone. I had long since accepted that I'd never see my children again. Each of them were taken from me immediately after they were born since I was "clearly not fit to be their mother", punishment for the time I'd spent away from Hyunjin. But Hyunjin's family had my parents and had threatened to take their lives if I ever tried to find the children.

It was only after the first time I found my soulmates that I realized I had no idea where my parents were or how to contact them. I never saw pictures of their home and any description of where they lived was vague. I only knew they lived "near a park". I'd never found it odd that Hyunjin set up all of our video calls assuming that was normal. But now I know it was to keep me from having their direct contact information. What I thought was a loving gesture was part of his grand plan to keep me firmly under their thumb forever.

It was the reason I left my soulmates the first time. Hyunjin told me it was time to come home otherwise my parents would be killed. I hated going back to him, but I couldn't bear to see any harm come to my parents.

I felt relieved that my soulmates never seemed to bring my parents or the children up, and the few times they did they accepted my vague "they're gone" response. If I was honest, I felt absolutely crushed that I had lost both my children and my parents, really my entire family. But I promised myself if there was one thing I could still do for them it was to keep them safe. And I would do whatever it took to make sure that happened.