THE UNREQUITED LOVE

16.

YN'S POV

I pleaded with him not to interfere in our lives, but he stood there quietly while I was having a panic attack, tears were flowing out like a river, my breathing was shallow and my body was about to give up after thinking for a while he spoke,

"Yn to help Eunwoo you have to cooperate a bit"

"I'm...trying"

I tried my best to let out those words but regretted it immediately as suddenly started to gasp for air, it's back, one hell of those damn attacks, it's happening, I fell to my knees with a loud thud, his eyes widened he came near me and was about to hold me by my shoulders but I scoot away while shaking my head in denial, I don't want to him to touch me, he loves someone else, I repeated it in my head, I clutched the hem of my blazer tightly, I never want him to see my vulnerable side, I took a deep breath and spoke,

"L...leave"

"But-"

"JUST LEAVE"

I yelled at him, and he seem to be taken aback by my actions honestly I was too, for some time he debated with himself whether he should leave me alone or not but fortunately left. 

I shut my eyes tightly, fisted my hair, hit my head with my fists, and tried to focus on my breathing, I just want my head to stop hurting, but I was struggling to even breathe properly, it feels like I'm about to die.

Surprisingly this time when I tried to scream I really screamed, I tightened my grip on my hair and screamed more loudly I just want to disappear from here, I don't want to feel anything at all, it was hurting really so much, I really want to die right now but I want some fresh air to breathe at the same time. 

I stood up and headed to my room and immediately rushed to the bathroom, I continuously remember that I promised that I'll not repeat it but I was not having any control over my body, I rummage through the cabinet and desperately search for it, the only thing that I think can calm me down. I clutched my head tightly and groaned loudly as a sudden wave of pain again struck the front area of my head, it feels like my nerves were going to burst out I can feel all the blood pumping in my head. 

I tried to keep my eyes open and keep searching for the thing I need the most right now, finally, I found it...the blade...I clutched it tightly as Jimin and Jongkook's words keep repeating in my head, 'You won't cut Yn, no matter what' but I want the pain in my head to end and there's only one way to end it.

I hold that sharp blade for my dear still fighting the urge to stop myself from cutting but as I look at my reflection in the mirror, I lost it, my face was red, my eyes were swollen, red and teary, hair was messed up, makeup that I applied earlier it was all smudged up now, I was not looking like me, it was someone else that I never want to be, but at the last here am I looking myself being weak, pathetic, and vulnerable...

I remember the promise I made to myself last month not to cut myself but right now to end this emotional pain I have to hurt myself physically, it's almost unbearable, I can't take this anymore. I broke eye contact with myself and with blurry eyes focused on the blade which now already sliced up the skin of my palm but that doesn't feel enough, I want to see more red, more blood, more pain.

I tug the sleeve of my left arm above my shoulder and saw those almost healed scars, they were still there laughing at me telling me how weak I am, I sobbed badly and cried my heart out looking at those scars knowing hundreds of them are hiding under my clothes taunting me my weak self, I closed my eyes tightly and sliced up skin from few inches below the elbow in the front side.

A painful squeak escaped my mouth but I didn't feel any pain yet, I want more, I opened my eyes and saw the new sign of my weakness, the blood was oozing perfectly out from between the new cut that I just designed, I literally felt nothing... I took a deep breath and sliced the same wound but deeper and finally felt the pain I was desperate for.