Wild Nights, Hot And Crazy Days

Part 1.8: A Conversation Between Carmen and Carman II

After considering what I had said, Carman asked, "Why are you so sure of that?"

"Because I'm afraid", I replied. "After hearing my parents talk about Chaz, and after you telling me about how bad things were for you, I just don't think I could take that. I'll never be able to talk to somebody like I did with Aiden. It's something I'll have to keep secret forever".

Carman almost jumped off his stool. "What? Bad for me? Weren't you listening? Shawn and I were as happy as could be. Sure there were some rough patches. Not everyone accepted us, true. But the people who mattered did, and the people who didn't, didn't matter. I wouldn't trade my time with Shawn, or any of the decisions I made, for anything! When I came out it was the hardest thing I ever did, but my life got a million times better!"

Now I was getting confused. "But you said.... those people... your job..."

Carman sat back down on his stool and looked at me with a very serious expression."Ok, look. I know you're sad and confused, and you're afraid of the future. None of us knows what the future holds. We can't predict how your life is going to go. But I'm going to offer you some advice. You're young, unsure, and afraid, but you're also mature. You've been through a lot and you're pulling through better than anyone I know could have. So please, listen to me. Advice is all I can offer you, but I hope you'll take it, or at least think about it when you're making decisions in life. Do you promise you'll do that?"

I considered. "Yes".

"Ok, well, here it is: You are thirteen years old and in junior high school. You've got your whole life ahead of you. Don't ever think that just because you're lonely right now means that you'll be lonely forever. You're too young to even be thinking such things anyway. Don't look at me like that! You'll see! All of your straight friends will go through a bunch of girlfriends and boyfriends as you all go through school. Sometimes friendships will be strained by that, sometimes they'll be destroyed. That is life, and it is a part of growing up and figuring out who you are and who you're compatible with. You are going to have things a little harder than your friends because you're different than them, and you've got to keep a secret."

I interrupted, "But does it always have to be a secret?"

"Oh yes it does, at least until you're a little older! Listen. I know there's nothing wrong with you, and so does everybody in this house. I can't stress it enough that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. But other people might not see it that way. How do you think your parents would react?"

I thought about that trip from Pembroke, how they talked about Chaz. I swallowed. Carman was looking at me, waiting for an answer that I couldn't give him.

"Exactly", he said. "Who knows? They might be understanding. But from what you've seen they wouldn't be. How about your siblings?"

"I don't know."

"Again, exactly. They might accept you and they might not. So suppose you came out and nobody accepted you. Do you think you could handle that?"

"No."

"Right. That would be devastating to anyone. But it could get even worse than that. So now let's suppose that your parents threw you out of the house and disowned you. Don't look so shocked! It happens all the time! I was afraid of it happening to me, and I was nineteen years old and had a boyfriend and a job. I was lucky. You might not be. How do you think you'd fare?"

"I don't know."

"But you need to know! If they threw you out tomorrow where would you sleep? What would you eat? Could you count on any of your friends to take you in? Would they or their parents be any more welcoming than your own?"

I was feeling stupid now, so I looked at the floor again. "I don't know".

Carman stopped for a second, watching me. I felt tears welling up but I was determined I was not going to make an even bigger fool of myself.