Follow Carmen, a young and deeply closeted gay teenager as he navigates the 1980's and 1990's yearning for love and trying to find where he fits in.
This story is rated M because it contains elements of death (including children), homophobia, religi...
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Author's Note: This drawing represents the image that I uploaded for my first online personals ad. Scary, ain't it? In my defense, digital cameras were not commonly available, so taking a picture took commitment (and cost money, for film and developing). It was the only recent pic I had of myself.
It goes without saying that the internet changed everything. Suddenly I had the whole world at my fingertips. It didn't take me long to discover that not only was I not alone in the world, I wasn't even alone here in Nova Scotia. The internet had no shortage of people just like me. I spent hours upon hours in front of that computer reading about being gay and what it meant. I read anything scientific that I could find about being gay, and I was discovering, as Carman had told me so long ago, that I was perfectly normal, that there was nothing 'wrong' with me. I also found pornography and erotic stories. The porn wasn't much good because the internet was so slow that it wasn't practical to look at images, much less video, but the erotic stories were a revelation. Here were people putting to words the secret fantasies that I had been bottling up since puberty first kicked me in the nuts.
As I was reading and learning I discovered something else: Online personals ads. They were everywhere, and they were free. What made them better than the Bargain Hunter personals, though, was that the ad I could post was no longer limited to 40 words, and it would go online instantly. Not only that, but I could include a pic of myself. Combined with email and Internet Relay Chat (IRC) I could put up an ad, receive replies, and then chat with potential suitors all on the same day. We could exchange pics, so we would know what each other looked like before even meeting. I decided to give personals another try. I posted an ad, once again after looking at some of the existing ads to see what I should include:
"Single masculine gay male, 24 years old, 6'3", 180 lbs. Still in the closet but peeking out, straight acting and looking, into cars, computers, hunting, fishing, drawing, reading, music, etc. I smoke but I don't drink or do drugs. Not into bars or crowds. I am inexperienced but I know what I want out of life. I am looking for a serious relationship, no hookups and no quickies. MUST BE SINGLE. I am not interested in being somebody's side piece. I'm looking for somebody around the same age as I am, with some of the same interests as me. Must be discrete. If you are "out" that is fine but you must respect my wishes to remain closeted for the time being. Can reply via email to thunderchicken@geocities.com or you can find me on IRC as 'Asterixx'"
I read the ad over and over a few times. I wanted to make sure it was right. I remembered my first personals experience and briefly considered changing 'gay' to 'bi', but decided against doing so. I was going all-in on this one, and I was going to be honest. If my being gay scared people away, so be it. Starting off on a lie would only doom myself to disappointment. After reading it over several more times I hit "submit", and uploaded a picture of myself to include with the ad. It was a silly pic of me wearing a Ren and Stimpy T-shirt and holding a plastic pitcher full of Kool-Aid, but it was the only one I had scanned onto the computer. After an eternity of waiting for the pic to be transferred via dialup modem my ad was live. All that was left was for me to wait.
