Apex | Charles Leclerc

Chapter 68

I'm back :)

I'm done with my thesis and we won't be doing any revisions so I have so much free time right now 🤩 I already have three chapters ready to be updated and will be posting a chapter every day. We only have a few more to go, so let's get started!!

Enjoy!

*****

May 03, 2028 - France

Today was probably the most difficult session I've had. I've been to three before this and all of them were spent with Estelle and I trying to break the surface. I've talked about that night in Monza and a few moments from Charles' accident, but no words were said about my family.

I'm not ready for that yet.

I'd tell Estelle what happened and then she'd tried to ask questions that would lead to more details like has the event changed anything in my day-to-day routine or what are the triggers that I can pinpoint. My day-to-day things weren't exactly affected, but I told her I stopped wearing mini skirts.

Usually when Charles and I would go out to celebrate with the drivers, I'd wear a skirt and pair it with a nice top. Ever since Monza happened, the only other time I've worn anything that short was during the New Year's Eve party at Max's house and that's just because I knew the place inside out and I was surrounded by people I felt safe with. If it were a place completely unknown to me or a club that was so crowded that anyone can come in, I'd be wearing pants and a top that was appropriate for the night but still doesn't show much skin.

I hated the fact that I'm the one adjusting. I know that people experience sexual assault despite what they wear or where they are, but I can't help the fear inside me that's telling me there's a possibility it might happen again if I wear this or that. No one has asked me what I was wearing the night, and I don't even know how I'll react if someone did.

I haven't been back to Monza either.

After we got married,

Today, Estelle asked me what happened after.

"I went to the hospital." I told her and Estelle shook her head.

"Not that." She disagreed, linking her hands together as she looked at me seriously. "I meant right after. I'm not talking about going back to the hotel or heading to the hospital for the exam. What happened after?"

I was the only one who knew.

We spent the next fifteen minutes after that in silence as Estelle patiently waited for me to gather my thoughts.

How was I supposed to tell her that I felt disgusted with myself? How was I supposed to tell her that those few minutes I spent by myself after Manuele left were filled with moments of shock and numbness? How was I supposed to tell her that I didn't recognize myself? That my body didn't feel like it was mine?

"Do you know that movie that had Chloë Moretz in it?" I asked and I watched as Estelle's face grew confused. "The one where she has an accident and her body's in a coma, but her soul was seeing everything? That's how it felt. I knew what was happening to me. I was aware of every single moment and detail, but I was just there. I felt like a stranger in my own body— helpless and unmoving."

I was currently in the car with Charles as we drove away from the clinic. After I walked out of Estelle's room, he was waiting for me in the same chair. He missed the last one because of the Baku race weekend and he felt bad that I had to drive all the way to Nice by myself despite my reassurance that I was alright.