When You Wish Upon a Fallen Mӧtley Star (A Paul Stanley x Mick Mars tale)

Chapter 9-My First Night on Mars

"I'm in your corner, we all are..." is now rattling around my head on a loop. Mick's voice echoing...I've picked up I think fast on Mӧtley's rifts, and rhythms. I have zero fucking self confidence thanks to HIM....it hurts to think his name.... think of him period....and now.... the tears fall the music stops....and I am sobbing into my hands....and how long have we been at this again....

"Paul?"

I curl in on myself....

"Why don't we stop? You for sure have the hang of it.... but I can tell that's not what's bothering you, it is...but it isn't." I feel more than I see Mick carefully take my guitar from me and I feel his presence at my side.

"I...I....it just.... HURTS.... he took everything from me, my self-confidence....MY LIFE....my baby, he took my baby!!" I am rapidly having or heading towards all too familiar territory: a panic attack.... but Mick...always Mick surprising me.... Somehow his words break through.

"I KNEW I should have killed the bastard!" Mick snarls before softening his tone. "Paul listen to me, listen to my voice. I cannot fucking imagine the world of pain you're in....and it hasn't been all that long since sadly you lost your child and I can tell you now, they know and KNEW how much you loved them....and in time, and it may very well take time....you will get stronger, doesn't matter how long it takes......and for the record?" Here I look up at him, gradually calming.... startled to find tears in his eyes, "You are no fucking lie talented, you're already to me doing great. You know I don't do bullshit, so I mean what I say....and I figure you may could use some time to yourself before dinner....so, how about I help you to your room?"

"M-My room?" I croak.

"Your room, come on.... i gotcha." Mick guides me, we manage starting and stopping.....,,after all I am still trying to get my strength back from being basically bedridden so long....but we make our way upstairs, me looking around and taking things in until we come to a stop and Mick gestures towards a room down the hall, "That's my room, if you need me for anything....PLEASE let me know...and this..." I look as he manages to open the door somehow, even supporting me. "—is YOUR room Paul. Bathroom is next to your room...."

My eyes widen and fill with tears at seeing a room.... that IS mine, that screams ME....

I am not sure how to feel about all this....my favorite colors, warm and cozy.... not guided luxury....not cold, something meant to be lived in. a queen sized bed....soft sheets and pillows.....a record player, stacked with some Led Zepplin and Mӧtley's two records....shelves for books but what really gives me pause....is a portion of the room is dedicated to art....canvases, paints, sketch books....so many different materials, I'd NEVER had anyone go to so much trouble for me and actually listen to ME, the things I like....that I want, that I want to find my passion for again....

I sit now on the bed, its just as soft as I thought, and I realize there are flowers.... that get my tears flowing.... they are moon lilies as Mick calls them, telling me they are his favorite flowers.... petals shaped like the moon, shades of blue and grey....and I can't believe all this is real....

"I-I...don't know what to think...I mean how to FEEL about all this.... it's not cold, its...warm and cozy....my favorite colors....and the art stuff...you...you LISTENED...you remembered Mick. No one's ever done stuff like this for me.... I'm not used to this...." I take a shaky breath, "I...I just wanna find my passion...my way again...and see who I am......and.... the flowers.... i love them."

"It's a lot to take in I know Paul.... i see the way you're looking at everything right now, it says a lot as to how you were treated...well that shit is changing, it HAS. It will take time to get used to, doesn't matter how long...and.... i just had feelings on some things, I did have some help from Nikki and Tommy and Vince.... oh!" Mick pauses and gestures to a bound notebook that I take as he explains, "This was Nikki's idea, writing down your thoughts.... lyrics, doodling.... he says it can help sometimes."

"I don't know if I will ever be able to thank you...and them.... can I...." Feeling overwhelmed and emotional, in tears...but unlike Gene again Mick listens, although he hesitates.

Mick gets up with a groan and I hear the cracking of his spine, but he looks at me and says, "I hesitate to leave you...I just want you to be ok, but I get it. Its something you need....and I will fix dinner, do you like steak?" I nod, "Medium?" Another nod, "Good.... Steak with mushrooms, onions, and roasted potatoes with herbs I think." Mick is nearly at the door now and he turns back to look at me, "if you need me...just let me know." I manage a nod...and I break down, diving into my pillows, clutching them to my chest.... screaming into them, weeping at my seeming good fortune...that Gene is behind bars.... but thoughts unbidden come.... thoughts of having to face him again.... answering questions.... there are things Mick doesn't even know.... or does he? What about Eric? Vinnie? Can I ever truly WALK AWAY?

I am sore and I am tired....so I doze off, my brief dreams haunted by 'my demon' and...then there's Mick.......

More time passes than I realize, because next thing I know I find myself being helped downstairs by Mick, who is ever patient...helping me sit down, and my mouth waters at the delicious smells...and the food, and I realize.... i have never had a home cooked meal and naturally this leads to tears....

"This....is.... I've never had a home cooked meal before. Not even.... well, that BASTARD didn't cook and if he did...it wasn't ME that got fed.... but even before then like with my parents. Its...a new experience for me.... i...I think I love this." I find myself saying.

Mick's facial expression ranged from being taken aback, to concern...to being touched a whole mix really before he replies, "Well i can promise you there is much more where this came from Paul. That you will have new experiences and good ones. We'll do this again I can promise that too....and I hope you like it."

"I know I will..." A bad thought creeps in, "You don't think I am...or...."

Mick knows just where I am headed, "Paul....no you are NOT fat. Not everyone is supposed to be the same size, you're not ugly.... you're YOU and that's a good thing, its time you see that." Nothing more is said, as we dig in.... Mick letting me go first...take first bite and I groan.

Damn this is good! Hearty but not heavy.... lots of flavor. Who knew he could cook? Mick looks pleased, I can tell....

During dinner we talk here and there, mainly Mick telling me some wild stories involving his...not OUR bandmates, some are funny.... Mick doesn't pull punches, but I can tell he's fond of the guys as he calls them.

Before I know it, dinner is eaten, I had two helpings and still there are plenty of leftovers...which I look forward to. I find myself insisting on helping despite Mick's protests. Figuring it's the least I could do.

Afterwards Mick asks what I want to do, "Do you wanna watch tv? Spend time for yourself again? Jam?"

"I don't know..." I yawn hugely, "I am tired.... i would love a shower I think....and bed."

"I thought you would.... but I also thought I'd ask too" I gape at him.

I shiver though suddenly, "Mick.... I'll see him in my dreams.... i slept for SO long, reliving my nightmares over and over.... maybe sleep isn't a good thing.... I don't know." I find myself rocking slowly back and forth.

"Paul, I know you're afraid.... afraid of the dark, afraid to see him again in any way, shape, or form. And think, you did just wake up today after being in the hospital....and you're still getting your strength back, you need to take it easy as you can. The point is...you're safe here I PROMISE."

How could I forget my first night on Mars so to speak? Mick listened, gave me space....and I didn't know or want to acknowledge my budding feelings, completely open up as it were. There was still so much for me to do in my mental recovery....

Where will you next find me...or should I say us? Or rather Mick.... sometime will have passed, and I would for the first time be rehearsing with my new band: Mӧtley Crϋe.

A/N: Paul's first night on Mars...first night with Mick. Stay tuned for the next chapter!