How could I EVER forget our first Christmas together? Mine and Mick's.... or as I always say mine and my Moon's. It was memorable for so many reasons, chiefly Mick and then there was the PAIN of the past that came calling, but Mick as ever was right THERE by my side to love me through it, as you will soon see. Trauma has always been a part of me, but it doesn't own me. As yes, where was I? in addition to Mick comforting me, it was A HUGE contrast to Christmas 82', the house all decorated....a partner that was an ACTUAL partner, not tearing me down every chance they could get, I WANTED to do special things for Mick, make special things and so I did, that was HUGE for me back then and too see how far I'd come.....but the TRAUMA still came calling during the wee hours of Christmas Eve, 1983 when I had the worst nightmare and Mick not only comforted me, but SHOWED me something that touched me to my CORE.....
Echoes, screams.... being left Alone, ALWAYS ALONE.... Gene's hit me, my Christmas surprise did NOT go well, and I am devastated and in tremendous pain, not only physically but mentally.... i am on the verge of passing out, maybe.... Maybe I will die here? I DESERVE it, and now...now I will never get to hold my baby.... never to have someone that truly loves me....
The air is thick with the scent of blood, MINE, and my poor unborn baby.... this.... this makes 3 now that I have lost, my lower half is soaked....and I manage to crawl my way to the phone, covered in blood...sobbing, barely hanging on......
Somehow the words, are forced out......and the last thing I barely manage to say.... scream, "I AM SORRY...I...I...FAILED YOU...I AM...N-NEVER MEANT TO BE.... A MOTHER.... WORTHLESS." and I give into the darkness in my mind....
I wake up screaming and sobbing, totally unaware as I crawl screaming to the corner of a darkened bedroom....
"STOP!!! JUST.... STOP....IT HURTS....IT HURTS!" No one or nothing can reach me.... wait.... suddenly I feel arms wrapped around me, now fighting to get away...but I realize these arms only hold me tighter, desperately rocking me back and forth. I KNOW these arms, lean...tattooed.... strong arms...safety...safety...
I whimper, clinging to the source of my calm....my serenity...and I realize slowly, that its MICK. It's MY moon holding me, still rocking me back and forth. His voice husky from tears....
All told it took Mick half an hour for me to calm down enough to talk...
"Shh, Paul...moonbeam I am HERE ok? I know you're scared; I know it fucking hurts like hell. I am scared because you are, you hurt I fucking hurt. I get this feeling that you had a night terror about...about your miscarriages...the pain, being left.... being left to die."
"Mick..." I croak, "MICK.... I...I.... i...you are right. I felt.... remembered sheer mind-numbing pain, that maybe I deserved what happened. I fail my babies, I failed...this time last year...I feel like I am NEVER meant to be a mother, something I want desperately. And...and its CHRISTMAS and I feel like, I am ruining things for you right now...I.." I refuse to look at Mick, feeling shamed...sad, you name it and especially since it's the middle of the night and I know Mick is in physical pain, that is until I feel my face cradled in those warm, spider like hands gently.
"Paul...baby, I wish to God that I could take away your pain. I can't truly imagine what it was like for you, you NEVER deserved what happened to you, you ARE meant to be a mother, you ARE one.... you love them dearly I can see it in your eyes...they will always be an apart of you. And yes, it's Christmas, it's OUR Christmas together and your moonbeam could never ruin things, you aren't. I promise on my life....and I am ok, I am more worried about you Paul. I love you...and there's something I want to show you, that I wanted to do for you...as part of your Christmas."
"I love you too Mick...and you don't know how much you and those beautiful words mean to me....and...and I couldn't do this without you....and.... what did you want to show me?"
A small watery smile, "Get bundled up and I'll show you...it's a surprise and I'll bring flashlights."
"First..." Breathless and emotional, "kiss me please." Mick leans in and whispers...
"Always..." and seals my lips with his own and I taste the salt of both our tears, as we manage to get off the floor, bundled up and Mick grabbing a flashlight we make our way out to the backyard? And once I SEE.... what exactly is illuminated by the flashlight, I have no words and the tears flow....as I turned stunned to Mick....
"I had this memorial made, I wanted to do something to honor the memory of what was lost, but is with us even now, watching over us...OUR children." Mick explains crying, holding tightly to one of my hands as I take in the stunning memorial....
3 cherubs, their expressions serene.... comforting....and the plaque covered in stars and the outline of a moon and moon flowers....and the words...oh the words:
'In Loving Memory of Our beloved Little Moonflowers, whom we love and miss dearly every day and are always with us.'
There is also a bench facing the memorial and I still stunned feel myself lead to sit down, Mick holding me tightly and I finally find my voice.... touched to my fucking core and I have to tell him too...of the dream I'd had...
"Mick, I can't.... i mean the fact that you DID this...for me.... means more than words can ever and I mean ever say.... You literally made one of my greatest dreams come true. I dreamed once, earlier...this year, about you doing this for me...for US.... You made my Christmas, you made my LIFE, you made everything so much better....and I must ask......"
Mick very clearly touched and naturally KNOWING what I really want to ask replies with, "Yes, I want children and I want them with YOU, I can think of no greater expression of our love than having a baby and it would be an honor and I am telling you that it will happen, and we will get our moon flower baby. I love you Paul...and Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas..." I whisper, kissing him feeling so very warm...my heart beating in time with Mick's....
We do go back inside and up to our bedroom; Mick disappears for a few minutes and returns with two mugs of cocoa, and I can smell the peppermint in it too. I take it with a grateful sigh, inhaling deeply.
"I figured a little Christmas treat." Mick smiles, and it makes my heart race.
"Thank you..." I take a sip and groan, it's good. Mick chuckled.... we drink our cocoa no longer am I worried about the late hour, but I am exhausted and next thing I know is I find myself drifting off to the sound of my lover's heart and the words....
"Merry Christmas Moonbeam.... I am here ALWAYS. I love you."
A/N: Originally, I was going to do the Mick/Paul Christmas chapters...with 2 parts but have decided to make it three. stay tuned for more updates!
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When You Wish Upon a Fallen Mӧtley Star (A Paul Stanley x Mick Mars tale)
RomanceSummary: Dreams, hopes...LOVE, all things everyone wants even when they say they don't. All things that Paul Stanley thought he'd have, but all is not as it seems in the world of the star child. His partner, his bandmate.... his DEMON, has broken hi...
