When You Wish Upon a Fallen Mӧtley Star (A Paul Stanley x Mick Mars tale)

Chapter 25: All My Fears and So it's True Afterall

Rehearsals, I am in rehearsals....Mӧtley rehearsals....... Yet my mind is ANYWHERE but where I am at. We've just started I think, here at the beginning.... supposed to hit the road next month in June, Eric is here, and I think not sure, Tommy and he have moved in together and I seem to recall I sang and played on Eric's solo album, things have been busy, a fucking blur.... I can't concentrate on anything, everyone looks at me with concern, NO make that worry. I've been quiet, quiet here lately and for a while now, Mick has begged me to tell him what's wrong and I am SCARED shitless at everything now, ESPECIALLY with how I've been feeling lately. For instance: I've been quiet...too quiet, barely speaking to my lover Mick, I have no energy, smells bother me, and Mick doesn't know I've been getting sick, and I feel like that NOW and if I talk, I will puke everywhere and the biggest fears or shock of all? I am SCARED TO admit what it means, my last pregnancies/miscarriages at the hands of that BASTARD, the pain of my past is haunting me more and more.... i don't know if I can DO this, face the possibility that I may well be pregnant once more....and here we are fixing to go on tour...I just.... CAN'T....

I feel terrible, I can feel myself shaking and I suddenly realize the music has stopped and I feel those tattooed arms around me that I love so much and right now, I can only cry.

Spider-like fingers run through my curls, and I try my best to calm as everyone gives Mick and I space and I close my eyes, feeling dizzy.

"Paul please talk to me, SOMETHING is wrong...something has been for a while. I am NOT angry at you, I can tell you feel that...I am worried, this...this isn't like you. Oh baby, baby, I can feel you tremble..." Mick begs and pleads with me and tries to soothe me all at once.

"Why don't we take a break or call it a day...I..." Nikki I think starts to say...

"No...No...no!" I sob/croak out and I run breaking out of my lover's hold, and I get sick along the way, Mick following me desperately calling my name and then suddenly, I find myself on my knees, seeming to sway and the last thing I hear is....

"Paul...oh moonbeam, PLEASE be ok!" Punctuated by sobs.

I am sorry Mick, so sorry.... i don't deserve you, I really don't.... i KNOW you are nothing like 'him' nor could you ever be, I just....am so afraid....

I hear beeping noises, the murmur of a voice I know so well and filled with a mixture of tears, of awe, worry and love....

"Paul. Moon beam, I hope somehow you can hear me. I could see and feel your fear at rehearsal, it broke and breaks my fucking heart and I need you to know that I love you and you could never, and I mean never let anyone down, especially me. And I have something..." Something to what?

Before Mick can finish his sentence, I bolt upright and heave into whatever I am handed and it lasts for an eternity until finally I finish and I feel ice cold water going down my throat and I refuse to look at Mick until he cradles my face in his hands, tears spilling down both our cheeks.

"E-Everything HURTS.... i can't.... can't do this..." I whispered miserably.

"You CAN...and Paul, I know it does, you don't have to go thru this alone...I swear on my life! I know your past haunts you and I swear, no vow to you that wont happen this time and I must tell you, that your moonbeam ARE pregnant......and that means the fucking world to me! I love you; I love this baby...and I love...." Mick's voice cracks, "The babies you sadly lost, they are MY children and I am with you every step of the way, you and our baby are more important to me than some fucking tour and on that note....if the Doctor ok's it and you really want to try and do this, I will support you no matter what, I am HERE..." And here Mick lays a hand gently on my stomach, "—And here, together we created something extraordinary.... Paul, I never thought I'd get the chance to be a father and now...I am." I find my hand joining his, needing him to ground me and his words, I mean I've NEVER heard nor felt such love, such CARE.

"No...one, has ever.... I mean, THANK YOU.... i am trying, it's just.... i mean, I couldn't do this without you, but...but what about the band? And.... the tour? Its...it's just a lot."

"I know it is a lot even under ordinary circumstances...and I need you too know, YOU and our baby are more important than some damn tour, yes I love the music...I love what I do, but I love you more moonbeam, remember that....and I do believe the Doctor should be in soon, so we can check on the baby." I can't help but tremble again, "Shh, baby breathe, ok? I promise you; I've got you.... don't worry about anything but the baby." Gently lips upon my own as I cling to Mick and I stop trembling, trying to calm fully and then he surprises, shocks me by gently kissing my stomach whispering loud enough for me to hear, "I love you so much already, try to ease up on mommy ok my little moon flower?"

The Doctor finally does come, I refuse to let go of Mick...his hand at least, I ask questions Mick giving me strength and I in turn bite the bullet telling him of my miscarriages...really just wanting to know if its safe for me to tour, I am assured as long as I take precautions, rest as much as I can, whenever I can that it would be safe, Mick tells the Doctor that he and our fellow bandmates/friends will look out for me and then its TIME, I get taken to an exam room for an ultra-sound which actually is a whole new thing for me and my eyes widen as I take in my mostly flat stomach, SEE the slightest bit of roundness, I feel Mick squeeze my hand and kiss my forehead....

"Mick? I just.... you don't know truly how much you are being here for me means, just supporting me in all ways, in a lot of ways there are new to me, and this....is the first time I've ever had an ultra-sound." I tell him quietly.

"I could say much the same about you and this is all new to me as well, and I will remember this moment for the rest of my life." He and I both do, very much so still after all these years.

The ultra-sound is started, and I shiver from the cold gel, so far so good and what really gets me BAWLING, my lover in much the same state is SEEING our baby, no defining features, a gestational sack, and things so far are health and I turn my head carefully to Mick...

"I have never seen anything so beautiful besides you, my moon." I whisper.

"I have no words...this...is holy shit..." Mick is very much amazed before he adds on, "They are as beautiful and as their brave amazing mother, already they take after you Paul."

Eventually the exam comes to an end, I have ANOTHER bout of morning sickness, but my amazing partner finds ginger ale, ice and ice water and something light for me to eat, doing whatever he can to ease my nausea and I am fucking exhausted but then I burst into tears, worrying about rehearsal and all and Mick, he KNOWS.

"Hey, don't worry about rehearsal, I called to let Nikki, Tommy and Vince know...Eric too, said for us, you especially to take a few days at least...now sleep Paul, you and our baby need lots of rest. I love you."

"I love you too, I am so damn lucky to have you..." I murmur sleepily and I give into the siren call of sleep but not before I hear:

"I am the lucky one and I love you and our little moonflower so much."

Mentally it was so fucking rough for me back then, I was so scared...and often, Mick would always, always pull me thru...he was there, I couldn't have gotten thru my pregnancy with our first child. And indeed, Mick made sure I took it easy well as easy as I could anyway, morning sickness was ROUGH and after a few days' rehearsals would continue and before I knew it we were out on the road, Mick at myside...my family looking after me, my moon taking amazing care of me and in the midst of that tour, a life changing question would be asked....

A/N: Paul is pregnant with his and Mick's first child, thankfully he has Mick and the rest of Motley plus the Fox to be there for him.