When You Wish Upon a Fallen Mӧtley Star (A Paul Stanley x Mick Mars tale)

Chapter 26: Return and Shout

-Diary Entry (June 12th, 1984)-

Another month has passed and now Mӧtley Crϋe is once more out on the road for the second leg of the 'Shout at the Devil' Tour. Last month, I reluctantly took a few days off to TRY and rest for my baby's sake...sadly though, it didn't work like I wanted it to. I kept rushing to go throw up, I had bad insomnia, my hormones weren't helping matters and my head space is not good. And if I wasn't doing all that stuff, I got some sleep here and there. I just tried to do what I needed to do for not just my sake, but my little moon flowers sake. I don't know how the hell I'd be able to go thru ANY of this without Mick and now with being out on the road, the tour barely begun.... I think we've been out on the road, doing shows for maybe 2 weeks, roughly. The shows have been good as far as the crowd, for me not so much. Mick does all he can to look out for me on stage, making sure I have water, tea, ginger ale in the wings...and too the guys look after me and I lay down as much as I can to try and rest....

And again, being on the road NOW, things are still rough for me mentally.... morning sickness is still bad, bumps don't help my nausea and I feel and have felt like a fucking burden. I KNOW that's not true, it's just how I feel. I feel too clingy, I still am afraid to lose what I hold dear and want so bad. I worry too I am hurting the baby.... But the baby amazingly is doing well, Mick insisted on going to the doctor again before hitting the road and they are GROWING. My stomach has a little curve to it now, a little baby bump forming...it's both beautiful and scary, scary because my previous pregnancies...well I don't remember making it past the 2-month mark and I haven't told Mick that. I got sick, rushing from my bunk...amazingly waking no one, and I can't sleep, and it's the middle of the fucking night here on the open road. I am in tears, I have been......I....

-End of Entry-

I hear a noise disturbing my tortured 'sanctuary' and I startle, before really bawling and I feel those tattooed arms I know and love so well wrap around me and I realize I am surrounded by my moon, who apologizes for scaring me and is very worried too I can tell...

"Paul, oh god moonbeam I am SO sorry! I-I didn't mean to scare you, and I know you. Something else is bothering you. Talk to me PLEASE, but first I need you to breathe and calm down...." I close my eyes feeling nauseous. "---Baby I know you don't feel good and can't sleep, try, and breathe, ok? I'll get you some tea and something light to eat, whatever you need. Its NO problem AT ALL." That's my moon, he KNOWS...him mirroring my thoughts, so in tune with me. I need to breathe.... breathe....

I gradually calm, clinging to Mick like a lifeline...still crying but much calmer than I was. And my nausea isn't so bad, but Mick insists on getting me tea and water and I tell him in a small voice I really want chocolate pretzels, so he brings me both and I eat them. albeit tearfully and I can barely stay awake, yet my body refuses sleep...and I need to talk to Mick.

"Mick?" I croak, voice small...trying so HARD to not burst into tears, "H-Hold me...I-I know.... I n-need s-sleep, b-but...I n-need to talk to you." And I immediately burst into tears any damn way. Mick, as we are in the back alley quickly comes back with a blanket and pillows, and pulls me into his arms, covering us with the blanket.

"Shh, I've got you Paul...and I love you so much and our little moon flower...
Here one of his hands comes to rest on my small swollen stomach, my shaky hand joining his feeling that fear again, "It's gonna be ok, I PROMISE you."

"Mick..." I begin, breathing deeply concentrating on how good it feels for Mick to hold me and our baby, "---I... My head.... it's.... not GOOD. I mean you and the guys look out for me, YOU especially have been and are my fuckin' rock, but.... It feels like a burden on everyone. I-I... just am SCARED, WORRIED that I'm hurting our baby with all, I mean how I am... feel. And... the...the thing IS... well, the baby growing IS SO beautiful and s-scary, b-because before i-I don't remember making it past 2 months and that KILLS ME. I just don't know if I can do this! This tour.... but I don't want to let the band down...and w-we've barely gotten started." I avoid looking at Mick, hanging my head in shame until I find myself looking into those hypnotic 'moon' eyes, shiny with tears and filled with such emotion.... his spider like hands caressing my face....

"LOOK at me Paul, it kills me to see you struggling so to be in any pain. You are NOT hurting our baby! They know how much you love them Paul, I can see it in your eyes.... i fucking promise on my life, you are not doing anything wrong, you're not a burden and you also can't fucking help how you feel and that's ok, more than ok. And I am PROUD of you, I know how hard it is for you to open and with what you just told me.... about not making it past two months? I wish to God, that, that hadn't of happened...but this time, you are not alone in this, in ANYTHING. You have a partner, me, that does whatever I can to make sure you are healthy, and our baby is too. I do what I do because I love you, I love you so much and our baby...never forget that. And if any TIME you wanna or need to go home, or to cancel the tour...I mean what I said YOU and our little moonflower are my biggest priorities, I am HERE whatever you do, wherever you go." Mick seals my lips with his own, a kiss that is passionate and soothing at once, both of us crying and I manage to ask if he could look after me while I piss, for the 100th time and without hesitation he does so and the next thing I know is we are back where he found me, me laying carefully in his arms, his hands and mine cradling my stomach and I give into sleep....

Mick would tell me that this night, he stayed awake awhile longer whispering to me, whispering to our unborn child...telling us how much he loved us. And I at least got SOME sleep, the point is that night.... god, that meant and still does mean so much. As you know or have figured out, I did continue with the tour.... Mick supporting me, taking care of me...as well as our friends even though mentally I struggled as well as physically. Mick though, MY MOON read baby books, just took care of me...heart, body, mind, and soul.

Little did I know that something life changing would happen the following month, all right several things, life changing.... GOOD things that touched me to my core. One of which I will go ahead and tell you, I MADE it to my 3rd month mark and that to me WAS and is life changing. The other things well you will find out soon enough...

A/N: Poor Paul with the morning sickness and how he feels. Thankfully he has Mick especially to be the rock, the support he needs and oh I can't wait till the next 2 chapters...which will be a two Parter!