Carolina [h.s]

fifty one

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even now when we're already over, i can't help myself from looking for you i set fire to the rain watched it pour as i touched your face well, it burned while i cried cause i heard it screaming out your name, your name, i set fire to the rain, and i threw us into the flames when we fell something died cause i knew that that was the last time

***

Vada

//

I'm woken up abruptly by the shrieking thunder outside.

Gasping awake by the startle, the sheets around me are empty and I squint through the darkness as I hear a familiar voice in the corner of the room.

"Harry?" I whispered as he flickered on a light next to the desk.

The storm outside intensifies by the minute, and when the windows and roof start to creak from the wind I finally start to notice it.

"You should go inside Vada, the storm is going to get worse." Harry speaks, but his mind is miles from here as he changes into a new shirt and slips on his shoes.

"Where are you going?" I find his old shirt at the end of the bed and slip it over my head standing up.

"Just go inside, Vada." He replies, eyes not meeting mine as he grabs his keys and heads for the door.

Thunder breaks again and through the window we watch a tree from the parking lot fall to the ground.

"You can't leave in this weather, Harry," I jumped in front of him. "What's going on, tell me." I grab at him.

"Get the fuck out of my way Vada," His green eyes are no longer visible through all the black, but I see the fear and pain he hides behind it all. I then grabbed his face, holding him for dear life.

"Harry." My voice breaks. "Harry, Harry, Harry," I start to cry and he lets me hold him where we are before he kisses me.

He kisses me so hard it drops my heart to my toes. He kisses me long and deep and like so many times before but it's just as much meaning as our first one.

My stomach turns when it crosses my mind that it feels like our first because it might be our last.

"Go inside," His voice is gentler as he pulls away, and when I open I'm met with my reflection in his eyes.

"Do this for me, not as a rule, just do this for me because you love me." I beg him. "You love me so you won't leave, everything you need is right here, so just stay." I hold him so tightly my fingers go numb, and the break in my voice makes me shudder.

"I do, I always do, I always did." He nods, eyelashes wet as he swallows hard, and I watch his eyes flicker for a moment. I think he's about to cave.

This goodbye isn't like the other ones. I can't throw a tantrum and flush his drugs down the toilet or tell him to use me instead of them. It isn't enough.

Harry's known to hold his head high, and to have a charming smile through all his lies. But as he stands in front of me, his posture is defeated and the look in his eye is a broken reflection of what once was.

"Please just let me go," He wipes the tears leaking from my eyes. "This isn't easy for me, I don't want this. But you don't understand this time, Vada—"

"No, I don't fucking understand, Harry." I break within his sudden calmness.

I shake him and start screaming. "I've stood by you through everything, you can't go back, please don't do this to me—" The power suddenly cuts, and our surroundings are completely dark and silent.

I feel Harry move from in front of me. "I'm not doing this to you, I'm doing it for you." He manages to pry my fingers from him, blindly picking me up and carrying me out the door.

He walks through the storm collapsing around us and I scream loud but it isn't heard over the heavy storm, it just leaves my throat raw as I hit his back and try to pull myself from him.

But even in his strength, I don't give up as he walks down the motel lot, and up my driveway and doesn't put me down until we reach my porch.

Catching my breath, I feel defeated as I look at him. Lightning flames from the sky and I paint his picture in my mind, to the very first time I saw him, and all the moments up until now.

The boy I met in the bowling alley, with all the bruises and stand-off personality. He has the same blacked out green eyes and his hair has grown from the bottom of his ears to the end of his neck. He has six more tattoos and a new graphic tee on but still wears those same scuffed up black Chucks.

I compare him to the boy that first called me strawberry-blonde, the boy who made me feel alive with his touch and his rare smile and who he is now.

That boy and this boy are two completely different people. That boy fought for himself and this boy fights for me. But the way I have always fought for both of him separates the two of us.

Harry leans in, placing his hand on the back of my head before gently kissing my forehead, keeping me there for a moment before pulling
away.

"Don't do this to me," I whisper. My throat burns, my chest that holds my heart physically hurts and my veins that run my blood feels cold.

"I'm sorry," Is what he says, but thunder breaks in the distance and the rain falls so heavily that he's hard to hear.

I stay very still, wanting to reach for him again. To wrap my arms around him and bury myself in the pattern of his heartbeat to know he's still alive and he's still here and he's still mine. I want to but I can't.

He's choosing to leave like none of it matters to him. Like I didn't just throw my life away merely hours ago, just for him to throw me away in the end too.

As he holds me close, I feel his fingers on my hair tighten, and his frame physically shakes. I still don't move as he then pulls away, and all contact is lost as he turns away from me, not being able to spare me another look.

And when I watch him leave I think this might be what it feels like to die.

I don't remember what happens next, but I'm falling apart in the entryway of the house as grams is in front of me, prying my car keys from my fingers.

My body feels like a puddle on the hardwood floor, so heavy that I can't pick myself up again, that I can't do much of anything except repeat to myself.

"He's gone." Over and over again.

***