total drama dumbasses

FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT | chapter thirty eight

NOAH

I heard a loud smack from outside. 

They couldn't have possibly decided to do it, right? Those idiots.

Cody jerked upright. "What was that?" I stared at him dumbly. "Probably Duncan punching Sierra, genius. They kept on talking about it in the group chat for, oh, twenty minutes, give or take." 

Cody slouched on the bathroom floor again. "They never listen when I say violence is never the solution."

"Excuse me, I said that." 

"Same thing. We're basically the same person." We aren't, but I'll let Cody believe what he wants to believe. With my wits and his smile, we are not exactly similar, but not exactly different either.

"I'm going outside," Cody said, and began to stand up. 

Izzy keeps on texting me smirk emojis and I've blocked her about four times. The only reason I unblocked her was because Eva kept on threatening to pound the shit out of me if I didn't. I turned my phone notifications off. 

I already told Izzy I don't like Cody, but I still have to deal with her, Eva and Owen's bullshit.

"I swear, if I go outside and see a brawl I might just kill myself," I said, rolling my eyes. I took out my phone to pass the time, because it's clear Cody and I won't be up to any good small talk.

Oh yeah, how did I end up in a bathroom with my crush? Well, you see-

Shit. I just told you who my crush was, didn't I? Fuck. Just a slip of the tongue. I'm joking, obviously, Cody and I have an ongoing joke about being boyfriends. Let's start over-

I ended up in a bathroom with Cody because I don't like people. Believe me, I tried. 

I was with Izzy at first but then she ditched the fuck out of me and she and Owen raided the pantry. Eva stood disappointingly by the side. I didn't feel like stealing Cody's food, so I went to find Leshawna because she is quite reliable and a good person too.

Turns out Leshawna was a slight bit tipsy and was walking on two left feet. She pulled a Lindsay and started calling me Harold. I'm not a red-head. 

I'm good friends with Courtney because we study a lot together, except she was busy trying to keep Duncan in line. Heather was deadass down drunk and Alejandro was keeping her contained and following her around with a bucket. Gwen was the only sensible one around but I don't know her all that well. She's been acting weird lately, like she knows something I don't. I don't even wanna know what Justin and Trent were doing.

So I gave up. My people skills are horrible, much better to sit in the bathroom and scroll until my days are over.

I was in the bathroom first before someone started pounding frantically on the door. Cody darted in and said something like "Uh stuh" and slammed the door, locked it, and shrunk down to a shriveled Cody on the floor. 

It was obvious he was running from Sierra's puppy love but he probably shouldn't be hiding in his own house- it's not very ideal. 

And yet here we are. 

Cody's eyes are very blue, I realized. They're a pretty shade of teal, much more exciting like a firework, unlike my eyes, which are dark dark brown, almost black. His hair was also very fluffy that day, almost like an 'I just rolled out of bed' look. How could he effortlessly look so good? I don't care for appearance but usually my hair doesn't work the way I want it to. 

I heard Courtney scream, and say, "DUNCAN PUT YOUR FUCKING PANTS BACK ON!" then Gwen said afterwards, "GOD KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS-" and I heard Sierra scream in horror.

Why is Duncan the way that he is.

"I changed my mind," Cody muttered. "I'm not going outside, I don't know WHAT is going on out there."

"I don't want to see Duncan in his tighty-whiteys."

"Well, that's one thing we can agree on."

///

total drama fuckers

gwen: seeking refuge in the form of the guest bedroom

cody: oh yay :D

noah: why are you texting here

courtney: duncan just took off his pants 🤗

cody: im never coming back out again

dj: wait you came out??? congratulations cody! 

cody: not thaaaaaaat way

noah: somewhat

duncan: hey everyone what's the commotion about

courtney: oh my god you aren't drunk?

gwen: so you just decided to take off your pants

geoff: idk guys it was pretty cool of him 😍😍😍

duncan: geoff 😍😍😍😍😍

geoff: duncan 😍😍😍

bridgette: at least one of you arent joking 

noah: let me get this straight

leshawna: bae you aint straight

noah: yes i am

courtney: straight as a circle

noah: but anyways

noah: duncan you just decided to take your pants off as a completely sane person and show people a boner after punching sierra in the face?

cody: you better not have gotten a boner from sierra 💀

duncan: i took off my pants but i didnt have a boner

courtney: OH YES YOU DID 

duncan: WHY WERE YOU LOOKING IN THE FIRST PLACE

courtney: YOURE MY BOYFRIEND IM BASICALLY LOOKING AFTER YOU

harold: can we stop talking about duncan's boner

gwen: agreed

bridgette: wheres heather?

noah: drunker than the drunks in alleyways of new york

alejandro: accurate tbh

cody: is it safe to come out

courtney: nope

gwen: for fucks sake put your fucking pants back on

duncan: how about no

noah: you are actually rancid. RANCID.

a/n

sorry everyone 💀💀