Don't Let Me Down (Dean Winchester FanFiction)

26. Stay Safe

Song: Wild World by Cat Stevens

The next 7 days went by in a haze. I wasn't completely there for most of it. All I remember was agreeing with Sam to not burn Deans body in case we found some impossible way to bring him back. We buried him in some forest with a wooden cross for a headstone. I sat in front of it for 2 days before Bobby dragged me back to our motel, forcing me to eat and drink something.

Now we had been staying with Bobby for about a month. Sam and Bobby flipped through books, and scoured the internet for something, anything to bring him back. Sam would leave sometimes in the middle of the night then come back angry. I never questioned him. I couldn't question him. I stayed in my bed for a month. Only leaving to use the bathroom, or to eat with the two men I had barely spoken to in a month. Bobby would try to give me reassuring words, or hugs, but I practically ignored him in my haze. I knew he was worried about me. They both were. But Sam was too preoccupied with research to truly worry about it, which I didn't blame him for. Bobby would try to get me out on hunts, but the thought of even doing that without Dean made me sick to my stomach. How could I do anything anymore without thinking of Dean. We were by each others sides 24/7. The absence of his presence left an unfillable hole in my chest.

***

After another 2 weeks, Sam and I decided to leave Bobby's. Sam said he had a lead on something and needed to see it through. Bobby fought with us, not wanting us to leave but Sam was determined. After all the time I had spent with Sam, I needed to go with him. It pained me to leave Bobby, but I had to go with Sam. Sam was almost as close to me as Dean was and it would break my heart for us to go our separate ways.

As I was hugging Bobby goodbye he whispered into my ear. "Take care of yourself. Please." I nodded to him and kissed his cheek.

Before I sat in the impala, I just stared at it. It felt.... wrong for Sam to be in the drivers side. It felt wrong for only two of us being in it. Finally I got the nerve to sit down and we took off. We didn't dare ourselves to turn on the radio, knowing that whatever cassette Dean had left in there would play, and surely break our hearts more.

***

Another month. Another month had come and gone since. I was more myself again. But just by a fraction. I helped Sam look through all kinds of books while he went out on trips, to where though, I wouldn't know, and I didn't bother to ask unless he told me. I knew I needed to get myself out of this "funk", but I didn't have the energy to do it. I could barely pull myself out of the motel beds. Sam was becoming more social again as well. He would strike up meaningless conversations. Conversations about the local coffee shop being bad, or the weather outside. I went along with them, knowing he was still grieving and just trying to bring himself to a more normal state of mind. 

I woke up with a start from a nightmare. A nightmare I had been having for 2 and a half months now. Dean screaming in agony, Sam screaming at Lilith to stop the hellhounds, and me screaming for Dean while he died and I wasn't able to do anything to help him. It was normal for me now, so it only took me a millisecond to remember where I was. I looked at Sam, who was reading through books perusal, he had gotten used to my nightmares as well and only glanced at me when I sat up. I dragged myself out of the bed and sat down across from him at the table. I watched his face as he read the books, and I felt a sense of love and pain wash over me.

"Thank you." I broke the silence.

He looked up at me, confused. "What?"

"Thank you." I repeated.

".....For what." He raised an eyebrow.

"For dragging my pathetic ass everywhere with you. For staying by my side." I looked him in the eyes.