4/21 really is a weird day for me and it isn't really because of P. In the beginning, I was torn to shreds. Now, not as much... Mostly because Earth fucking sucks these days. The bigger issue is that I was raised to view death a lot closer to the way he presented his views than a lot of the people who love and celebrate him. For years, I've watched people intentionally count down to this date to be sad like a doomsday clock sits over our heads, waiting to remind us every year. I understand the sadness, it's the act of purposely counting down to it that I never got. Then, on the actual day, the annoying ones (who are either very young or fairly older) post sad shit all day.
My 4/21 hasn't been sad since about 2017 or so. I feel proud to have existed in the same lifetime as him because wow! I listen to the art and I skip the ending of UTCM if I watch it because I don't want to be sad. In a lot of ways, I'm relieved that he's (very likely) finally at peace, considering I like to assume he made it upstairs. Thinking about the time that has passed can fuck you up sometimes, but overall, it all feels like last week. I don't cry on 4/21 often, I don't even reflect too much. Usually, I shut my mind off and feel... And that brings a unique sense of comfort.
I don't know if it's because I'm the same woman that once had sleep deprivation delusions so strong that I once saw his name being spelled out in the clouds and then his silhouette (scariest yet coolest shit ever) or because I like to consider myself spiritually in-tune and have had experiences regarding him that I don't really see as "coincidences." I don't know. What I do know, however, is that he's always felt like an omnipresent figure in my life. He's always felt like he was more than human— Not praising him because that jackass was as mortal as the rest of us. BUT, his spirit is so strong that (for me), it's always felt like he's still here.
Truthfully, I had to get past being blue about his physical presence first. I think that takes some people longer than others. Once I got through that, it started to feel kinda like... Kinda like the sound of the doors shutting at the end of The Plan. It's almost like a new level. In many ways, he completed the cycle... I think the human world kind of cheated us and turned the program off before the credits ended but I still think Act III was complete. I can live with that. My heart says he is well and I'm happy he doesn't have to endure any of the shit going on right now. I'll keep saying it too because Minneapolis being set ablaze Summer 2020 would've hurt his soul so bad. He couldn't have ran that time— But that's another story!
All in all, today I celebrate a hell of a human run for a spirit that continues to bring light to my life. Very, very, very flawed man, but he usually meant well and I think it showed, hence why everybody loves him.
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