Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)

Chapter 4 ~ Memories & The Papers

     I’m still so mad I feel like I could set something on fire and enjoy the show. The idea of burning all Kay’s belongings sounds so tempting, but then I realise I can’t do something like that because I would end up in jail and that’s certainly something I don’t want to experience. Ruining Kay’s stuff won’t be worth a time in jail, plus, to get her stuff I’d have to get closer to her and hell no, I’ll never do that. So instead of messing with her things, I just get in my car a drive as far away as I can. At the end I end up in the flat Harry and I share.

Maybe I should move out again, Harry now is with Hannah and I’m sure they want to spend time together. I don’t really want to walk in and find them doing it or something like that. In addition, I really don’t want to see him being all lovey-dovey with her while I’m still around. The problem is that I can’t go back to my flat, there are too many memories there of my time with Eleanor, things that will only make me madder… and sad.

Everyone sees this part of me now, the part that I let them know. Yes, I’m angry and bitter, there’s no denial there, but I’m also hurt and heartbroken. Yes, still. How can I not be? I really loved Eleanor, I was happy with her. By the end things weren’t great but I never stopped loving her even when everything was going downhill. I guess a part of me still misses her, it misses being with her, watching films, cuddling, going out, making tea, joking, even fighting. I was happy with her and I thought she was, you know, the one. But I was wrong, because no matter what I thought, I wasn’t enough for her and she found someone better.

I feel really lonely now.

And seeing the guys doesn’t make it easier. I see them so happy, Niall and Alex closer than ever, Zayn and Mila with their perfect harmony and carefree relationship, Harry and Hannah, both so happy and always caring about the other, supporting each other so much. They are in blissful relationships, whilst I’m alone, resentful and behind. I used to be one of them… I still remember the time when Liam and I were the only ones with serious relationships, when the lads looked at us with longing in their eyes, hoping to have what we had with our girlfriends. Now they have it, even better than we used to, while Liam and I are completely alone. His relationship and mine ended in very different ways, but now we are alone nonetheless. The result is the same.

I see Harry and it hurts because I remember when he used to feel like I feel now, when all he wanted was someone to need him, to miss him. Someone to wait for him, someone who would hug him and say “welcome back, I missed you so much”. I remember the way he used to look at us, for that short period of time when he was the only one single in the band and now I see him and he is the happiest I’ve ever seen him. He has always been the smiley kind of type, but now when his lips curl up that smile reaches every corner of his face. It’s like he smiles with his whole body now and I know it’s all because of Hannah.

I was like him… I was happy, I was blessed… but now I’m bitter because I don’t have that anymore. I was dumped because I wasn’t enough for her.

So how can I go back to the same flat where we spent so many nights together? Where so many memories where created? I can’t. It’s easier to be angry all the time, it’s more manageable whereas sadness and emptiness are consuming and paralysing. My anger and hatred push those other feelings aside and that’s how I can move on. This is my way to manage all this. This is the best I can do.

+ + + + +

“What’s this?” Alex asks a few days later when I hand her a red folder.

We’ve gathered to finally start the tour, checking that nothing goes wrong and that everyone is around. I’ve avoided everyone —except for Harry, I live with him, after all— so no one can ask me if I’m okay or not about Kay going with us. I saw her a few minutes ago and, in a very manly manner if I may so myself, I ran before she saw me. I try to be happy about the tour, I don’t want her to ruin things even more. I made the decision that I won’t let her ruin this. This tour will be epic and I’ll enjoy it, even if I have to pretend she is not around.