Have you had one of those nights when you pray to all the gods you know of that they let you sleep and forget everything? When you beg for a dreamless night but they are fucking arses who don’t care a single bit about you and they just torment you with the worst dreams you could ever imagine?
Yeah, fuck you, Morpheus.
After what happened with the cups and Kay, I just want to have a night where no one can bother me, where I can be alone. I don’t even care that Harry drove the pink car around Manchester with Barbie Girl blasting out loud and that Kay got everything recorded and he was even in the news. I don’t care that Alex comes with food for me. She even made cupcakes with ‘I Hate Women’ decoration.
I just wanted to forget everything and everyone. But maybe Morpheus is a woman and made me dream of Eleanor and Kay the whole night. Or he is just a sick bastard. By when I wake up, Kay is in my mind, her desperate look begging me to understand. To understand what? I already know she doesn’t care, no matter what she says, I know better.
But then I remember the way she yelled at me, telling me that she cares. This morning, when I’m so tired, I almost start doubting it. Could she care for me? Could it be that she says the truth and I’m not a challenge anymore? She didn’t deny that she saw me as a challenge at one point, but could it be true that it’s not like that anymore? How can I know? I just can’t trust her, I need evidence.
She took care of you yesterday. When you lost it, she held you and made you came back. Isn’t that proof enough? That annoying voice in my head says. Why am I not seeing a therapist?
I don’t answer that voice —mostly because that would mean I’m talking to myself and I haven’t reached that limit yet— and I get up, stumbling to the bathroom and determined to avoid everyone today. As usual. Plus, Liam just had a date with Tammy yesterday. Did he go mental, too? Luckily, they left so we’re safe from Prodigy.
When I see my reflection in the mirror I cringe. Dark bags under my eyes, I’ve lost weight and I don’t look like my old self. I haven’t really paid attention to my reflection in so long, disgusted at myself for not being enough. But today I dare look at myself and I hate what I see. How did I end up like this? When did this happen? No wonder Eleanor left me. Why she wouldn’t want to be with me.
And this makes me think of Kay again. Why would she like someone like me? Someone who looks this— this dead? It makes no sense and my head starts hurting again! And it’s all her fault!
Groaning, I look away and take a shower to get ready and leave my room made a mess as usual. I don’t care. I don’t care about anything. Today is our last day in Manchester —God bless this day!— and we go back to London to play the last gigs from the UK-Ireland part of the tour before heading to the rest of Europe. And that makes me excited.
When I leave my room and go to the dining room I find everyone, and by everyone I mean the lads and their girlfriends and the rest of the crew, including the band. Mila, Hannah, Phebs, Belle and Savannah are there —Moni is not, maybe she left with Ed— in the same table as Liam, Harry, Zayn and Niall. I look around, prepared to avoid Kay but she is not in the same room. Still, when they see me coming everyone’s eyes are on me, watching me carefully and I feel very awkward. Yeah, they probably know about what happened yesterday, how I completely lost it. I know Harry came to my room at night, wanting to talk but I just ignored him… and everyone else.
I try to behave like nothing is happening, like it’s just a normal day. To make things as less awkward as possible, I sit with our band, grateful that Josh doesn’t ask me anything but what I want for breakfast. But then Kay walks in and I have to look at her when I see the expression in our drummer’s face. The concern. And I know why he does that, because when I look at the blonde girl, she is not the same. It’s like that sparkle she always carries around has vanished, she walks looking at the floor and she is not smiling, she is not dancing her way. She doesn’t talk to anyone, she just grabs a coffee and when she looks in my direction, I see an expression pretty similar to mine when I saw myself in the mirror.
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Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)
Fanfiction{book 4} - ❝ All women are the same. One day they say they love you, that they are gonna be with you forever; the next they meet someone else, someone who can be with them when they need it, someone who shares their world. And then they tell you “bu...
