After what happened… after that kiss, I don’t know what to think or do. The guys notice there’s something odd with me and they ask whether everything is fine a couple of times during our ride back to London, but I can’t answer. I can’t even utter a single word. I can only think of that moment, the way I reacted to Kay, how I held her, how I felt her, how she tasted… that scene plays over and over again in my mind and my own heart races and I’m afraid my cheeks are blushed. I just can’t even control my body anymore!
But it’s not only that… it’s all what she told me and the way she said it. There was pain in her eyes, signs of a past that left scars but she is so strong now, she doesn’t hate everyone for the things she had to go through. How is that even possible? How can she trust again after the things she told me? Someone cheating on her, being humiliated in public, someone making a bet about her, someone just playing with her feelings… how can she handle it?
“You had it nicely,” she said before leaving and those words can’t leave me alone. I hear them repeatedly in my head and I start to feel ashamed.
When I contrast my experience to the little glimpses she allowed me to see… I feel like she is right and I’m just a moron for reacting this way. I know this is my way to handle the pain and the disappointment, I know that we’re all so different, but I feel small and insignificant when I’ve treated everyone so awfully whereas she is nice and still hopeful. How is that possible? How can she be so strong? Why can’t I be that strong?
And what if I’ve been wrong all this time? What if hating on every woman is not the right answer and it’s just the easiest? I know it’s a piece of cake to hate every single woman and avoid any risk to get hurt again, but am I doing the right thing by acting this way? I know I’m hurting my friends, those that have done nothing to hurt me… but I— I just— I—
I sigh, confused and exhausted.
I don’t understand Kay, but I don’t know if I can face her and ask her to explain herself to me. Maybe she can tell me how she manages not to hate everyone when that would be so easy. How can she not be bitter when she’s been hurt like that?
“You okay, Lou?” Liam asks and I have to shake my head to come back to reality when I’ve been too lost in my own thoughts. “You’ve been zoning out all this time.”
“Yeah, I’m okay,” I reply but my traitorous mind plays that scene between Kay and I again, and I can almost feel her against my body.
Why can’t I stop thinking of that kiss? It means nothing!
Liam stares at me for a while, pondering whether to believe me or not, and at the end he sighs and focuses on his laptop again. Niall and Harry are playing FIFA and Zayn is reading a book, probably one that Mila lent him. She, as the other girls, is in the same bus as Alex and Kay —one of the crew buses— because they refused to go with us… I wonder if that has something to do with me. Most likely.
“You and Kay are a couple of weirdoes. No one says anything!” he complains and I jerk at the mention of her name, almost expecting to see her in front of me, summoned by Liam’s words. But she is not and I try to tell myself that I’m not disappointed.
I wonder what would’ve happened if she hadn’t pushed me away. Would I’ve kissed her again? Would I’ve been able to stop? For some reason, I’m scared to follow that train of thought.
“And there you go again, zoning out. Mate, get a grip,” Liam tells me and I rub my eyes, forcing myself to stay here, with my band mates.
“I’m sorry,” I say and Liam’s head snaps in my direction. Maybe it’s my tone, maybe it’s the way I say it, I don’t know, but he seems surprised with that short sentence. “I just have a lot in my mind right now.”
YOU ARE READING
Bitter & Sassy (Louis Tomlinson)
Fanfiction{book 4} - ❝ All women are the same. One day they say they love you, that they are gonna be with you forever; the next they meet someone else, someone who can be with them when they need it, someone who shares their world. And then they tell you “bu...
