Save Me Because I Can't Save Myself (Patrick Stump)

Chapter 20

Anna's POV
Today is the day. The 2nd of November. The day I've been planning for months to end it all. When I first decided that it was going to be today I never thought I'd be on tour with Fall Out Boy and dating the lead singer. But I can't chicken out now, I told myself I'd do it today no matter what happened.

It's about 8 o'clock right now. We're traveling today. Over 6 hours on the bus. Then I can do it. The guys don't have a concert tonight or tomorrow so it's kinda perfect timing.

Patrick is still asleep but he probably won't be for long. I'm pretty sure we're leaving in like an hour so soon Pete will come stressing about being late or off schedule. I don't know if Patrick is still annoyed at me. I don't even know why he was annoyed at me. He's probably just sick of having to deal with me being all depressed and sad. But I guess he won't have to deal with that after today.

I get up and start to pack everything up so that I'm ready and don't have to do it later. I'm sitting on the ground sorting everything out when I hear Patrick moan. "Annnna..." I'm not sure if he's dreaming or not but either way it's awkward. "Anna? Where are you?" He asks sleepily but concerned. I guess he wasn't sleeping. "Down here" I say quietly. "Can we talk?" He ask softly. I want to say no. I don't want him changing my mind. I can't. "Later, I think we're going soon" I say not exactly saying no. He agrees and goes to sort out his stuff as well.

20 minutes or so Pete comes in to tell us to take our stuff down to the bus. I walk down and chuck all my stuff on a top bunk. I don't know where we're going but it's probably going to be a long ride. I need supplies. So I tell everyone I'm running down to get food and stuff. I find a pharmacy and grab sleeping pills and razors. Of course I have to get food so it doesn't seem suspicious. I feel so bad though. I'm letting everyone down. Especially Patrick.

I quickly put what I brought with my other stuff so nobody will find them. By the time I get back everyone is ready to go, so we head off to wherever we're headed for. I stopped asking because I know none of the places anyway.

Everyone is all on their phones tweeting and texting before we loose reception. While I'm sitting on my bunk thinking about what I'm going to do. Patrick comes in without me noticing. "Are you okay Anna?" He asks worryingly. I want to say no and tell him everything but I can't. I must lie. "Yeah, I'm fine" I say not looking Patrick in the eye.

Patrick pulls me down off my bunk into a hug. I don't fight it. What's the point. "Is there something you're not telling me?" He mumbles into my shoulder. Yes. Yes there is. I'm planning to kill myself today, but I can't tell you otherwise you'd try to stop me. I don't reply so I'm guessing he takes that as a yes. He hugs me tighter and I sigh.

Would it hurt him less if we weren't dating? I've been thinking about that for a while and I still don't know the answer to it. Maybe it would, but it could also make it worse. "What are you thinking about? Patrick asks basically whispering. "You" Which is technically not a lie. He nods and let's me go. I hop into my bunk moving everything to the end, being careful not to let anything fall out.

Patrick jumps up and I move over to give him some room. I look at him. How can I leave him? He already looks lost without me and I haven't even gone yet. I glance at his lips and think about how I might never get to kiss them again. He must of noticed me looking at them. Patrick puts his hand under my chin and makes me look at him. He presses his lips to mine. I kiss back harder and he pulls away. "You're only doing this to distract yourself from whatever is bothering you" Patrick says sighing. "I know but its helping" I reply nearly in tears. I kiss him. Hard and forcefully. He hesitates for a second then kisses back.

I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. I run my tongue along his bottom lip asking for entrance but he doesn't let me. He pulls away. "Anna..." He starts. "No.. Just let me do this" I say nearly breaking down. This will most likely be the last time I kiss him. "I can't" He says. "Why?" I ask confused. "I would be taking advantage of you when you're upset and I can't do that" He says moving me off him.

"I'm sorry" I say while burying my head into my shoulder. I'm also sorry for what I'm going to do later today. I sigh and he wraps his arms around me. "You have nothing to be sorry for, you're hurting". Patrick says.

I lay down and try to sleep. I want this drive to be done with. Patrick does the same. It's only 10 o'clock so I figured I would probably we able to fall asleep. But I was completely wrong. Thoughts wouldn't leave my mind. I'm scared. But Patrick is asleep besides me and I don't really want to wake him. I've bothered him to much today.

I carefully climb over Patrick trying not to wake him and walk into the lounge area of the bus. I'm surprised to see Brendon and Dallon making out on the couch. They stop once they notice me. "Ah... Hey Anna" Dallon says awkwardly. He's blushing. Bright red. I laugh and Brendon looks at me confused. "You're welcome Dallon" I say smiling. I made Brallon a thing, FANGIRLS YOU'RE WELCOME! Brendon now looks at Dallon confused. But seconds later he must of remembered my texts.

"I'm gonna head off to sleep" Dallon says still blushing. I'm going to pretend I didn't notice that he had a boner and that Brendon does as well. I ship Brallon but now it's just weird to imagine it.

I lay down on the floor and look at the ceiling of the bus. Brendon laughs and joins me. There's a silence as both of us don't really know what to say. I want to tell him what I'm going to do, I want him to stop me but then I don't. I want to tell him how much I care about him and that he should just move on like he never knew me. But I don't think I can tell him that without scaring him into thinking that I'm going to kill myself, even if I am.

"Brendon?" I ask thinking about what I'm going to say. "Yes?" He asks. Okay let's give this a go. "Brendon I've gotten to know you a lot over the last month and you've become someone I'll always remember. Thanks for never pushing me into yelling you things but somehow you always knew how to comfort me" I say quietly. Brendon looks at me confused. Probably wondering where the heck that came from and why I'd need to tell him that.

"Are you okay Anna?" He asks starting to get worried. I've been asked that way to many times this week. I nod and he asks if I'm sure. "Yes, I'm sure" I say sighing. Today is going to be harder than I thought it would be. Brendon doesn't seem convinced, so I speak up. "Why don't we go sleep for the rest of this ride and catch up on sleep?" I ask changing the subject and wanting to get away from this awkwardness. Brendon agrees since we are literally the only ones still awake.

Brendon goes to join Dallon and snuggle up with him while I do the same with Patrick. I finally fall asleep thinking that when I wake up it will be almost time.