Just like me: phan

Just Like me: Amber

I started writing just like me phan when I was 16, I was a teen who had never been in love before, the only things I ever thought about were Dan and Phil I'm pretty sure, and so on a very uneventful/internetless trip to the snowy mountains (that was sarcasm, there was no snow) of lake mountain, I decided to write my first fanficiton.

Honestly, I didn't even think I would publish it, but as the days went on in that small dingy cabin, and as I went for my long walks up the mountain and back, more ideas began to flow through my head, and before I knew it, I had pretty much written around 10 chapters once I got back.

I started posting the moment I arrived home, my eagerness to get this piece of work out there for other to read was insatiable, I was almost bursting to write more and to hear peoples thoughts. I though of the username mythumbhurts because I wrote those 10 chapters on my ipod with just my thumb lying in the cabin bed. Just Like Me was just an impulse title, I didn't think it through, but now it means so much more to me than it ever did. I remember the first reads and comments were so exciting to read, I told all my friends about it at school: "I have a book on the internet with almost 50 reads!". 

It started to get serious when I realised what I could put in this fic than originally anticipated, sure, I was a younger teen, only 16, but I had felt pain, I'd started to self harm the year before and to be able to write about it in this "fiction" gave me an outlet. In fact, the emotions Dan and Phil both go through are complete mirrors of what I had gone through in the past year, their issues with depression and self destructive thought are all originally stemmed from me, they were Just Like Me.

Writing the fic was exciting for the first year, I updated frequently, almost every few days or atleast twice a week, I loved the feedback and the messages I would get, telling me I was talented and to keep writing. I remember turning 17, and things changed a bit.

In the spring of 2014 (Australian spring, august) I fell deeply and truly, in love.

I had never been in love before that moment, and it stuck me like lighting, she was perfect in my eyes, so like me, but so different, someone I didn't think I could ever attain, ethereal, as she would've said. She took me by my heart, but my mother hated her and it tore me to shreds, I fought for us as best we could but it was a struggle. and so I wrote, I wrote of Dan and Phil running away because, because that's what I wanted.

The first few months of the relationship were a dream, we did everything I'd ever wanted, dates and starbucks and ice skating, but I wasn't well, the pressure of my family and my already questionable mental health put a strain on the relationship that I wasn't equipped to handle. Formal night was a disaster, she got so drunk and threatened to dump me, well, she did the next week.

It was February 2015 by this point, and I had ceased writing the fic,  my brain didn't want to be in love anymore, it was hurt. Though in the following weeks we started going out again, but she wouldn't call it a relationship no matter how many times we kissed. It tore me apart. I spent weeks in the counsellors office not understanding why she would say 'I love you' and 'I can't' in the same sentence.

The months went on and I tried my best, writing letters instead of chapters, my reasoning being that if my story couldn't continue why should this one?

July was the last month I knew her. The last date we went on I remember, we went on Melbourne Star (The big ferris wheel) and kissed at the very top as the sun was setting, this happened exactly one year after I had written the chapter where Dan and Phil kiss at the top of the ferris wheel. We went out to a shitty restaurant and got burgers and then we went back to her house and I kissed her goodbye. I kissed her once more after that...you never think the last time is going to be the last.

I had mentioned before, that I had struggled with self harm (specifically cutting and scratching) in the past, but during the year of 2015 whilst being in this relationship it increased incredibly. I remember her telling me I had to stop, and I didn't know how, she was hurting me just as much as I was. I remember looking down at just red lines all over my legs during the winter, "shower sting" became a close friend.

Because of the events of the past (lost) months, losing friends, the relationship, my family, opting out of professional help and many other internal reasons, during the middle of July, I attempted suicide.

Honestly, I remember lying in bed high on valium and thinking about this fic, and how everything in this story went so right in the end, even though Phil had to leave to save himself.

(I did not speak to the girl I had loved so dearly a year before again - until she told me I ruined her life just a few weeks ago...my friends stopped talking to me too)

I decided to take away the characters happy ending and trap Dan, I decided it wasn't fair, why do they get an ending, why did I just get a cliffhanger?

And so I turned 18, and wrote Just Like me: phan, The Aftermath.

It was a struggle, and it's one of the only chapters in the fic that I hate with everything in me because I remember being so hurt,  so sick, so broken, that I had to ruin the one thing that I had been so proud of in the beginning.

But I couldn't take it down.

The thing is guys, readers...friends, Just Like me: phan, isn't about two british youtubers I lost interest in long ago, it's about me, it's a story about love and trust and secrets, its about pain, and what that pain does to relationships, it's about people, it's about how shit doesn't always work the way you wanted it to, no matter how much you needed it.

Just like me phan: The aftermath, is not the true ending. I want you to see it as a possibility, but not the true ending. That chapter was written by an isolated, scared girl, who wanted nothing but revenge, nothing but...help. She knew she couldn't keep going with it, she's sorry. But she coudlnt end the book that way, Just like me Phan ends before the aftermath, and you have to please please understand that.

Lastly, it's late right now, but I needed to get this done;

I want you all to know this story isn't real, but it's real to me, and it was real to you at one point to, these characters have a special place in my heart, this fic helped me so much over these last 3 years I can't even express to you how much you've all helped me, every message, I thank you for it.

So how does it all really end? What happened to Dan and Phil?

Well, they lived, they went on with their lives, they were happy. Like me, I am able to live and live on with my life, after so much passion and pain, I have found new friends and am about to start uni, I'm happy and content, and I do not need someone else to live, I only need love, care, support and myself.

I still struggle, but don't get me wrong, what I want you to take away from this fic is that, moments are temporary, people are too, and sometimes that's okay, because life goes on and there is no limit to love, no limit to life, and it's always worth it no matter how much you've lost because in the end, what matters is, there is no end, it can always get better from the worst.

To my readers who are currently struggling, I want you to remember my inbox will always be open (always) and you can message me whenever you need, but if that's not something you're comfortable with, look at the sunset, watch the moon at night, and never forget that you can still see the stars shine from the gutter, in other words, please be strong.

This isn't goodbye, because I want to keep answering your questions and communicating with new and old readers, this is just closure. 

This fic isn't about two boys who fall in love, it's about me, and it's about you.

Because really you're Just like me, you might love phan, you might be hurting, you might have never fallen in love, or you might be in a complicated relationship.

Well, that's all I have to say right now, My thumb hurts.

Thankyou, every one of you.

Goodnight.

- Amber