Just like me: phan

Just like me: phan pt60

*Dans pov*

Dan. I couldn't leave you in the dark any longer, even thought that's exactly what you did to me. I won't blame you though. Don't tell anyone, make this our little secret.

Matt.

p.s I don't think you really understand our situation, please, keep quiet. I'm dead now, remember that.

I didn't know what to think of it, surely I could tell someone, right? Having a friend fake his death was a lot of baggage to keep quiet about. Phil would understand, hopefully he would anyway. I knew I'd have to tell him sometime, even though it did pain me to expose him to more things like this. Why would Matt want to fake his death? To be safe, I guessed, I mean, he was terrified of James, I'm sure. I guess if James got in any legal trouble they wouldn't be able to blame Matt as well, but I think it was mainly the fear factor. Fear does have a way of controlling us. I'm not sure dying is the right way to go about it, but I guess it's a good way if you want go through with it. I wish I knew more about the situation though, and I guess I wouldn't until I got more information out of Phil.

We were on our way to the kitchen now, and I was slightly dreading it. I didn't have that much of an eating problem, it's just that the group used to make fun of my weight a lot, which really did hurt me, so I stopped eating in front of them, and then when that became not enough, I stopped eating at school in general, after that, I just didn't really have that much of an appeal to food anymore. I only ate when I was really hungry, and I wasn't sure if that counted as starving yourself, but Phil had a problem with it and I knew it wasn't healthy...so I guess I'd have to stop. Maybe if I was brave enough to start eating properly again, it'll help Phil with...his own problem. But I knew it would take more than just one time to fix years of self wreckage...I guess no one knew that better than Phil.

We were now in the kitchen. A large grey tiled monstrosity. The black and white mix-marbled breakfast bar cut the room in half, on it, a stainless steel sink with curly taps and a deep basin. An industrial sized oven, with dark mahogany cabinets on either side, was placed directly opposite it on the left side, and on the other were a few kitchen stools, Phil was sitting at one of them. tracing the swirls in the marble with his index finger. No one could question his innocence, unless they knew any better.

I opened the large silver fridge, to reveal mass amounts of food, most of it I probably would never have touched. My parents never really had an issue with my eating disorder...then again, they probably never noticed. I got out a carton of a dozen eggs and some cheddar cheese. I had no idea how to make an omelette but it couldn't possibly be that hard.

'What's for breakfast?' Phil asked, brushing his fringe out of his face and smiling at me.

'Omelettes' I announced, placing the eggs in front of him from the other side of the bench.

'Do you know how to make an omelette?' He asked, a smirk perking up on his lips.

'Err...no' I confessed. I sighed, knowing this was just another sign that Phil deserved someone better.

Phil giggled. 

'That's okay' He said. 'I'll help you'

I smiled, because I didn't know what I did to deserve him.

'But only if you tell me everything that happened yesterday with no details left out...' He sighed. 'Because you can trust me and I just kind of, need to know...You haven't been telling me things lately Dan...it kind of hurts' He'd been holding that in a long time, I could tell.

It was true, I hadn't been telling him things, and I knew it bothered him but I just wanted him to feel like he was alright with me, even though he already kind of knew that wasn't true and I was as messed up as he was. I guess after last night, I was so scared of losing him again that I didn't want him to know what had happened, because he would feel unsafe, or even in danger. I just wanted the one person I really loved to feel really loved. And I didn't want him to...go.

'I know Phil, it's not fair how I havn't been telling you things' I paused, 'I just want you to feel safe...I understand how it can feel like I'm blocking you off...but I never meant it to be like that'

I reached my hand out across the bench and cupped Phil's cheek in one hand, he leaned into it, his soft hair against brushing my fingers. I blushed.

'But I will tell you everything...like I promised' I nodded, pulling my hand away.

Phil got up off the bench, with slight struggle, and limped over to me, he didn't look like he was in any pain but I didn't want him to feel like I was ignoring his knee.

'You don't need to stand up if it hurts you Philly, I can make the omelettes, you can go sit down' I assured reaching one arm around his waist so he felt secure.

'No, no' He said, though not refusing my hold. 'I'm fine Dan, it still kind of hurts, but after your bandaging it does feel a lot better' I wasn't sure if he was lying or not but I didn't want to argue. 'Okay now get a bowl, crack those eggs and start talking'

I laughed, letting Phil lean on the bench for support, while i opened one of the cabinets and got out a large white plastic bowl.

'Okay' I breathed, realizing that making the omelettes probably wouldn't be the most difficult part of this experience.

Phil saw my hesitation and gently ran a finger down my shoulder to my elbow.

'If it's easier Dan, you can start with the scariest bits and then work your way up to the happiest bits' He smiled reassuringly, getting out 6 eggs from the carton. 'I know it's hard'

Phil had told me so many things that were hard to talk about before, that was just one of the many points that proved how much braver he was than me. It was sad that he didn't know it.

'Okay' I nodded, biting my bottom lip. 'When I came back to that hotel room and I saw that you were gone, all I could do was blame myself'

'Was that the scariest part?' Phil asked.

'No' I whispered. 'The scariest part was when I thought I'd lost you'