Just like me: phan

Just like me: phan pt83

*Dans pov*

I knew I had to tell him, it was always at the back of my mind that I should tell him. It wasn't that much of a big deal, but to me it was. I probably should've told him in the beginning, but I didn't want to seem any weaker than I already did, I wanted to seem stable for once. I guess I'd already moved far, far beyond stable, Phil already knew I was just as bad as him, but I guess he really didn't know how similar we were. It was weird to me that he hadn't already found out yet...I guess he'd only ever seen my bare skin in the dark though, which I was grateful for. 

I wasn't going to tell him at first, but I guess I thought he should hear it because...maybe it would give him some hope, that he could stop as well. Of course, I wasn't nearly as bad as Phil was, but it did happen, and I wanted him to know he wasn't alone in this and I knew what it was like. I knew what the fire felt like, I knew how it spread through your body.

'I...I wanted to tell you this before but' I paused, gathering myself. 'But I...I wanted you to think I was stable...' 

Phil facial expression deepened, as he bit his lip.

'Dan, what is it?' He whispered.

I sighed to my self, hesitantly breathing in and out.

'It's okay' Phil smiled sadly, reaching out to stroke my cheek. 

'I-I'll just show you' I nodded to myself.

I walked back into the bathroom and Phil hesitantly followed along. I then unbuttoned my jeans, so that I was just in my boxers and propped my leg up on the ledge of the bath. I knew Phil wasn't going to react well, but he had to know, and more importantly he had to know I overcame it.

I moved the leg of the boxer up so that my thigh was exposed and I watched Phil's expression break. 

Tiny, white, feather like scars, peppered along my right thigh. There were a lot of them, they covered the entire area. They were small, you wouldn't be able to see them unless you were under a bright light, but I did, I always did, I always felt them there. Souvenirs from a place a never wanted to go back to.

'Dan' Was the only word that escaped Phil's mouth, it was choked and quiet. 'Bear, why did you-

'I-I tried it instead of not eating once, it lasted for a few months...they're not nearly as bad as your's Phil, but, I wanted you to understand, it's possible to stop' I breathed. 'It's hard, to fight the fire...But it's possible to put it out' 

Phil reached out and stroked a finger down the tiny scars. They didn't feel much different to my normal skin, unlike Phil's which were raised and bumpy to touch.

'They're not deep...I just liked the pain, not the blood' I whispered.

'I know' He whimpered. 'I feel that too...I, I mean...Dan, please never start again'

I watched tears start to form in Phil's eyes.

'I've never known anyone who's...understood completely before, how scary it is. I'm happy you told me Dan...but, please, please, never start again' He pleaded.

He was distressed, I guess he felt good to know someone else who'd been through it, but he didn't want that person to be me. I guess when I found out Phil was going through what I already had, I didn't even think of myself, because I knew I was the one that really put those scars on his body.

'Phil, it's okay...I won't' I said, pulling him into my arms. 'I just wanted to show you...Because I stopped, and you can stop too...the fire goes out one day' 

'I wish I could feel like I'm not on fire for once' He whimpered into my shoulder.

'If you can make it through one week, you can make it through a year' I murmured. 'So try a week' 

'Okay' He whispered.

'Do you want to get rid of these now?' I asked, pulling away from the hug and gesturing to the box in his hands.

'Yes' He nodded, wiping away some of his tears with his shirt. 'But, Dan, Why did you do it?' 

'The same reason you did, I was numb and confused...Of course it didn't last as long, not eating was much easier, it made me feel more in control, people didn't notice. It did happen though, and I needed you to know' I nodded, taking one of his hands in mine. 'Now let's get rid of these'

Phil smiled and nodded, before he followed me out the bathroom door.