Just like me: phan

Just like me: phan pt58

*Dans pov*

'And I'll never hurt him again'

That was all I wanted Phil to know. To find out he was having nightmares about me was possibly the worst thing that I could've heard. He knew I didn't want to hurt him, but he was also scared I couldn't hold back what I was. I wasn't terrified of us, I was terrified for us. What if he continued having these nightmares? What would we do? Phil wasn't able to get over years of torment within the space of 2 days, if I was him I don't think I'd ever get over it, which was unsettling. It's selfish really, wanting him to get over something so major, but I didn't want him to 'get over it' I wanted him to forget, about who I used to be to him...but mostly about who he used to be to me, nothing.

It wasn't that early, 8:30am, my dad had probably already left for work. I'd have to get Phil back to the hospital...and then the station. I really didn't want to go there, but I knew I had to, there was no way I was getting out of the involvement I had in Matt's suicide.

Matt's suicide. Fuck, he was dead, and it was partially my fault...all my fault. the night before was basically one large blur, and I knew talking about it wouldn't be easy. That moment when I'd knew I'd lost Matt, those moment where I'd thought I'd lost Phil, and then finding him, and then...everything that followed, it was scary, but some of it was wonderful, I hope those parts aren't left forgotten.

It was crazy...but I knew it wasn't over, Phil still didn't have a family, I still saw myself as a murderer, and we had no idea where to go from there, I guess the most obvious thing to do was to just fix Phil's knee and then see what happens. A part of me still wanted Phil to go to a better town and live with a nice family...but more of me knew I wanted him, and needed him to be here with me. Because I think by this point me and Phil both knew that we had to be together.

Phil looked over at me from his side of the bed, he was smiling, but it wasn't a full one, he was worried, and he needed questions answered. To be honest, I think in that moment we were both happy, but we weren't content, and there's a difference. We were happy to be together, and to have each other, but god we were so fucked and we knew it.

'We'll be okay' Phil murmured, looking me in the eyes, his deep pools of blue meeting mine. 'Right?'

'Right' I nodded, without any hesitation, that was the last thing Phil needed.

'Good' He nodded, sighing to himself.

Phil wanted to ask a million questions, but he had that look on his face, the look that said I can't, because he knew he wouldn't like any of the answers...if there were any at all.

Phil swung his legs over the side of the bed, looking over his knee. He knew we needed to leave soon, because otherwise we'd probably be caught in traffic, and his knee had been left unattended long enough. But instead of leaving the bed, and getting on with life, he fell backwards, resting his head on my thigh, his eyes were closed and he began to laugh.

'What are you doing?' I giggled.

He shook his head, still laughing, before biting his lip.

'Everything's just so...'

'What?' I asked.

'Dumb' He sighed, staring up at the ceiling.

He was right, life was dumb.

'I know' I smiled, leaning down to kiss him on the nose. 'But we still need to go to the hospital'

He groaned, rolling over so that he was face down on the bed.

I giggled. 

'Hey Dan?' He said, rolling back over to face me.

'Yeah?' 

'I was thinking about last night' He smirked. 'I kind of ripped you off'

'What do you mean?' I asked, before realizing what he meant.

'Well you know...you didn't....you didn't finish' He blushed.

He was talking about the fact that he got a blow job and I didn't....that's not saying I didn't want one, I mean yes, I did. I just didn't want to force anything on him when I wasn't even sure what I was doing myself.

'Well...I didn't think you wanted to...'

'Why wouldn't I?' He smirked, pushing himself up, to take my face in his hand.

well then.

He was now propped up on one elbow with my cheek placed in his right palm, I edged closer to connect our lips. Phil's tongue snuck in between my teeth, and I let out a subtle moan, he pulled me down so I was lying in his arms, and even though I wanted him so, so badly in that moment...I pulled back.

'Phil' I sighed, turning away, because I knew he was disappointed. 'You really need to get to the hospital'

'I know' He murmured. 'But this isn't over' He winked.

'I hope not' I smiled.

I leaned down to kiss him on the forehead one more time, before flinging myself out of bed. I walked over to the cupboard to get us both some clothes...that's when I spotted it, an envelope slipped half way under my door. I turned to Phil, to see if he had anything to do with it and he just shrugged back.

I picked up the note and turned it over, and there it was, scrawled onto the front of the paper:

Dan Howell.