Throughout high school, Rae has only really liked one person. However, after finding out that he has a girlfriend, she did her best to stay away from him. But can she still ignore it when his presence is just too strong around her? Will she be able...
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It's been weeks and I'm finding it harder and harder.
I always assumed that no one will ever truly understand me. This is why I didn't see any reason for me to actually tell anyone how I actually feel.
There's not a lot that I can remember from the therapy. At that time, how was I suppose to properly perceive the idea of death and guilt? All I knew was that I caused it. In fact, maybe all these years after the incident, I've been pretending. To not let anyone worry, to not let my self be drawn to the anxiety and shame it always gives me.
But I hoped that Rae will. I might've subconsciously expected her to coddle me the way the adults did every time they find out about what happened.
However, she's Rae so she didn't. I was relieved and broken at the same time. I had a lot of opportunity to tell her but I just couldn't. I was afraid to fully open that door again.
Kaya naman, hindi ko siya puwedeng singilin. I can't even be fully honest to her. Or my self.
"Liam, you're still here? It's weekend and you should be resting. You better head home."
I turned around to face Mom. Hindi ko napansin ang pagpasok niya. Let alone na alas otso na pala ng gabi. And as if on cue, my stomach grumbled. Did I eat anything today? Other than coffee, that is.
"Tatapusin ko lang ho ito." Itinuro ko ang tore ng CD cases sa harapan ko. What have I been doing all those hours? Parang wala naman akong na-sort ni isa.
"Leave it. Hayaan mo nang ang staff ang gumawa niyan. Did you bring your car?"
"Opo. Should we go home together?"
"May kukunin lang ako sa Room 2 and then let's go. Hintayin mo na lang ako sa office ko?"
"Sige po."
Tumayo ako't nagsuot ng jacket. Mom gave me a worried look.
I suppose they noticed something. I've been really good at hiding my true emotions but recently I might've just let it show. Maybe I'm already at my limit.
Lumabas kami't tahimik na naglakad. I notice her glancing up to me from time to time. Umakyat ako sa office ni Mom samantalang naiwan naman siya sa baba.
At first, I just sat quietly. Kaso lang ay kung anu-ano ang pumapasok sa isipan ko. I was tempted to call Rae. I miss her so bad. Now that I know what it feels like to be with her, glancing from afar isn't enough anymore.
She said she's still my friend. If I talk to her under that pretense, will she? Pero ayaw kong kausapin niya ako dahil lang sa naawa siya. That's the last thing I want her to do. It'll be unfair to her.
To fight the urge, I stood up and sat in front of Mom's computer.
Dalawang window ang naka-display sa screen. One's a piano music sheet and the other a paused YouTube video that has the text "I'm the one I should love" on its subtitle.
