Look After You- Niam Horayne

Don't Lie To Me-Chapter 3

Niall's POV

Shortly after our breakfast of cold toast, Ed insisted that he and me hang out. I didn't feel like it much just because I missed Liam, but gazing at Ed's sweet, smiling face made me feel really guilty, so I just agreed quietly. I half assumed he would bring Jace in the equation, but he didn't mention him. Ed and I aren't totally close but we get on really well so maybe he just wants us to spend time together. I didn't know if I was ready to have friends yet.

Though I counted Liam as my best friend, I knew he didn't feel the same way so we weren't exactly best friends. You had to think of each other in the same way for that, right?

I trudged back upstairs into my room until Ed had finished talking with Darcy. Then he sprinted up and found me lying in bed daydreaming, just gorming at the ceiling. I swear he thinks I'm going crazy, but then, who doesn't? Even I need therapy.

Without a word, he perched down on the bed beside my feet and stared at his intertwined fingers, an awkward tension in the atmosphere. I hated this because whenever you spent time with me it would be awkward. There was basically no way around it; except if you were Liam and you did the best you could to enlighten the tension in the room.

"You and Liam have gotten pretty close recently," Ed finally mumbled, his wild hair even messier than usual, sticking up in every direction. It would have been a joke to laugh about if you weren't me. I did not laugh often. I was a depressed, sad person.

My eyes trailed away from the ceiling and they settled on Ed. "Mmm... your point?"

"I don't know," he murmured. "You just seem happier when he's there. I just thought... Maybe there is something going on in that kind of relationship."

I furrowed my eyebrows. Jeez. Yes, Liam was cute. Yes, I did feel myself strangely attracted to him. But no, Liam did not feel the mutual feeling. And I understood that. Nobody wanted to be with me, nobody wanted to love me! My father expressed that very clearly and now I eventually realised it. And there's no way anybody can tell me differently because it's there in the open. Like I said, I'm unfixable.

"No," I grumbled firmly.

Ed flinched and looked a little sheepish. "Niall... I know you. Maybe not as well as I'd like to think, but I know how you work. You're one of those people who are loved by so many people but you're just completely oblivious to that. You think you're worthless. Ni, you think you're so damned that there's no point getting up every morning because whatever you do won't make a difference to your life. That is why you stay in bed every day and every night, dreaming about Liam Payne because you are falling in love but refusing to admit it."

My lips parted. No, my subconscious snapped to me. Nobody fucking loves us. We're a useless pile of shit. If our dad was alive, he would agree. Ignore Ed.

I glared at Ed and he glared back, his faded blue eyes wider.

"You're wrong," I told him sternly. "I do not fall in love. I am different. I can't fall in love because I know that they will never love me back. That's what I tell myself and it just stops me from ever loving any person."

Ed shook his head, refusing to absorb all of what I'm trying to point out. "No, you're wrong! I see the way Liam Payne looks at you. And he's falling, too."

I turned away from him. "Just leave me be, Ed. I can't be bothered with your constant pressuring. I can not be under pressure right now." He looked puzzled so I shrugged. "Depression thing."

Ed shook his head and breathed heavily through his little button nose. He was frustrated with my self-loathing, just like everybody else was. I couldn't blame them for that. I was furious with myself. I didn't want any sympathy from anybody! I wanted to keep to myself. Yes, I told Liam everything but isn't that just a care-worker thing?