Look After You- Niam Horayne

Help Me- Chapter 14

Niall's POV

I didn't see the point in therapy. The only reason I agreed to this stupid deal was for Liam, because I knew he'd be so disappointed if I didn't. I seemed to be doing everything for him recently, from the littlest things like smiling, to the bigger things like eating and not cutting.

When he left the room, I glanced back towards my guitar. It bought back so many memories- some good, some bad, but in all honesty, I felt a pull towards the instrument. I'd promised myself not to play it anymore, especially because he might hurt me, but when I remembered myself stringing the musical toy I'd just felt this urge.

Demi hadn't begun right away. She'd pulled out a notebook, a eon, and checked her phone before staring my session. I didn't want to tell her anything, especially since it'd been hard enough explaining the Will thing to Liam, but she seemed like such a nice person that I'd be an idiot not to make her smile. I knew she was just doing her job anyway.

I had so much on my mind it was difficult to pay attention. There was Darcy and the Alex situation, Liam and my relationship, my depression, the care homes' lack of money... But I just wished I didn't care so much. Why the fuck did I care? It just hurt more.

Demi's face warmed me, her dark eyes glistening with friendliness. "How are you today, Niall?"

"Just the same," I answered, shrugging. Maybe I had a few good days, but the majority was bad. My thoughts were constantly wrapped around my past, not letting go, even when I most wanted to.

She nodded. "Mmhm... So I heard that you've had a tough childhood before you came into Kevin Care Home. Would you like to talk about that, or is it too soon for such a touchy subject?"

"I don't like talking about my problems," I confessed. "People think I'm weird, weird for needing help, weird for having such a good relationship with Liam, weird for having depression. Just weird."

"I don't think you're weird," Demi protested, still smiling. "I think the tragedy of your past life has caused you long term affect. It wasn't your fault that you were born into a bad family, and I'm sure that with some help we can get you back to being happy."

I wanted to roll my eyes. I knew she was just trying to be nice, but there was no helping me now. I was doomed, which was why I felt like it was aggressively necessary to hurt myself. Nobody gave a shit about me, nobody cared, yet I spent my time thinking about everyone else. I hated caring. Liam didn't give a shit about me- he acted as if he did, but it was only part of his job.

I know I was thinking really low of Liam. Maybe he did care a little, but not as much as I hoped he did. Earlier when he'd pulled back from the kiss... I'd fought a smile so he wouldn't think my feelings were wounded, yet I felt so much pain it was unreal. I felt like I'd violated him, forced him to be physical with me. He was in his twenties, and I was still technically a kid.

I didn't answer Demi, waiting for her next question, but I realised she was waiting patiently for my reply. I shrugged, not wanting to offend her with my thoughts being spoken, but enough so she'd know I wasn't going to vocalise.

She cleared her throat. "Ahem. Do you see yourself happy in the future?"

I blinked at her. What sort of fucking question was that? That was the whole thing about having depression as bad as I had- you only see yourself as a self-loathing, pill popping loner. I don't see any kind of future for me apart from staying in this dump until I eventually died. And most of the time, I prayed I would very soon.

"Sure. I see myself hopping over rainbows while eating colourful cake and riding a multicoloured unicorn," I muttered sarcastically. I didn't meet her eyes, not wanting to feel guilty for my snide comment.