Look After You- Niam Horayne

Confusion- Chapter 19

Niall's POV

Why was Liam here? Why was he here trying to protect me? He should just get on with his own life and forget about me. I wasn't worth any of this hassle. I don't even know how he found me, but I guessed Jack had something to do with it. Part of me was relieved, but it didn't make it right. It kind of made it worse that I was happy Liam was here when I was kind of with Will, although not officially.

I can't believe Liam saw us kissing. Thankfully, he didn't see us doing other stuff. Last night after we'd eaten, Will had pleasured me in a couple of different ways, but not sex. Thankfully. I would've definitely objected to that, but the only reason I let him do the other stuff was because I owed him. He made it pretty clear I did, so I guess I needed to suck it up. It was the only way to not lose him.

It was weird. I wanted to go back with Liam, but I didn't want to leave Will. So when Liam punched Will, I was horrified. I'd yelled and screamed, pushing Liam's chest and trying to do damage of my own although I couldn't. Will wasn't knocked out or anything, but he was left with a nosebleed and a cut lip. He'd tried to swing back, but Liam dodged easily. Did I mention he used to do boxing?

Jack, Harry, Zayn and Demi had busted in at the noise. I figured Jack would be pissed that Liam had punched his brother, but he was really disappointed in him. He was more annoyed that Will had let me in when I was a care home runaway, getting them both into trouble. Honestly, I knew that Jack was more worried that they Will would get taken back into care, but I knew they wouldn't do that.

It was awkward. I just didn't know what to say. I knew the questions would flood in involuntarily, and that I'd be expected to answer every single one. Liam stared at me, his chocolate brown eyes pained. His usually-smooth quiff was now messy and resting down on his forehead with sweat, and he was panting after the sudden outburst. It was all just really confusing, I wished I'd never met any of them.

"Niall, you're very sick," Demi spoke first, softly. She had her hand on Liam's arm as if to comfort him, but she was looking at me.

Will answered for me. "He's not sick, you stupid woman. If you're on about those tablets, he had them with him! He's not stupid enough to just leave them at home. Although I don't know why you don't do that anyway, I doubt they even work."

Demi glowered at him. "Those tablets are to stop him from making reckless decisions, actually. And in fact, he did leave them, at that little cottage in the woods. Was that intentionally, Niall, or by accident?"

Of course, it wasn't on purpose. But truthfully, leaving them wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Maybe if I got crazy thoughts, it might make the pain disappear. My bizarre life will go, and I won't have to hurt people anymore. I won't have to deal with guilt, or loss, and although maybe there isn't a Heaven, Hell will be a hundred times better than life. I'd pick Hell over this any day.

I knew people had it worse than me. But saying I can't feel this way because of that is like saying a starving African child doesn't deserve food because another kid is skinnier. It just doesn't work that way. I'm in pain, and although there are people out there who are in tougher places, it doesn't change the way I feel. Weirdly, the only person that does change how I feel- even for five minutes- is Liam fucking Payne.

I hated him for it. I hated him for making me feel this way about him when I shouldn't, but the love is more dominant than the loathe. Yes- I'm in love with Liam, but it doesn't mean it's right. I'm supposed to be with Will, giving him what he wants after abandoning me. I tried to put the blame on Alex, but it wasn't Alex. It was me- I could have saved him, but I was selfish. I just saved myself. And now I owe him- if he wants me, he has to get me. That's how it works.