Selfless

Ferris Wheel

Isogai p.o.v

Screw this! Oka's mad. Just what are you doing, Isogai? You have a girlfriend. That means you should not be going around hugging other girls. Social contract wise, that's what is demanded for from a boyfriend. I followed her with Karma and (V/N) at the back. Damn. This is so messed up. But I don't regret it. There is no part of what happened I regretted. I mean. She needed my help. It's just that I regret this feeling. This feeling that led me to this. My first are starting to form a ball. No, its starting to want to hit something. Hitting would be a problem though. It'll only make more confusions. And confusions are the last thing I wanna deal with today. For now, I'll deal with this. Oka and this feeling. Yes, I'm attracted to (Y/N). But she doesn't want to hear that. I've already hurt her twice now. First from that first hug. And now, I'm adding salt to the wound.

She is already outside, not bothering to look at this way. I make my pace faster. Nagisa and Kayano are here too. "What took you so long? We need to ride the feriswhe. . . .?" Kayano bluntly said before I walk pass her, cutting her off. My eyes are deadstraight towards my girlfriend. Just when I was about to grab her arm, she turned my way. This is not what I'm expecting to see. She's smiling. No trace of tears or a pained expression. Purely a smiling face. "Iso! You are such an Ikemen!" She said quickly with a voice almost like that of a shoujo anime fan.

"Ano. .  about earlier? Sono?" I scratched my left check with my one of my fingers. Sweating was my metabolic defense mechanism but it's totally making me a mess.

Her hands reach my cheek. "It's okay. You had to do what you had to!" She smiled then kissed my on the lips. Shocked was a relative term, never expecting this from her from what just happened. "I know you would do the same for me if I was Van." My hands reach for hers that was cupping my cheeks. With a smile on my face, I planted a kiss on her forehead. "I love you." 

"Okay! Ferries Wheel. Here we come!" Oka announced. Both The bluenette and the green hair punched the air. "Yosssssssssssh!!!!" Oka faced me again. "Will you come with me Iso?" That face. That smile. Oka has offered her hand to ride the ferris wheel. But something's telling me, this more to it. She wants me to assure her that I'll always come with her. Naturally, I'll never hesitate. Now, because there is something to hesistate upon, my hands were shaking. But Oka will never just give up. She grabbed my hand even if I hesitated. Gumini Oka. I've been lying to myself all this time with this emotions. After seeing your smile, I'm ashamed. I'll have to be honest with you Oka. Even if it'll hurt. I owe it to you.

We just boarded the rides. I asked the others that I'll be spending this ride with only Oka. They agreed. I've promised I'd make up with her. And today's events have never made that happen or worse, it made it worse. This time, I'll be honest. Both with her and with myself. I want to her to know the truth. About what I'm feeling right now. That's the least she wants right now but its the most she needs. I inhable a deep breath. But before I could say anything, she spouted something.

"The city lights are beautiful, isn't it?" She's looking at the window. "Hmm" was all I could reply.

"But it's sad that they'll be gone by morning." Her voice was rather shaky. I knew it she's hiding it. She's keeping her pain from surfacing. But she's not doing it good. "Ne. Iso. do you remember the reason I kept staring at the window at night when you were staying over?" She looked at me intently, her eyes asking if I remember. "Yes. I remember. It was the time when you're illness was attacking."

"That night. I saw the same lights as we are seeing right now. These illuminating sparkles always comforted me. There beauty is reassuring. There warmth is bursting. I just loved them. I wanted to reach for them. I can't because things, no, life has brought me into this awful conundrum. But when you said you'll always be my warmth, I didn't need to look at them anymore. You were enough for me."

My lips were tightsealed, not daring to open. My eyes were staring intently at her while she was narrating. 'You were enough for me.' It's on replay in my mind. Why do I get the feeling that is not a good thing? No. . . . . .

"What do you mean?"

"You were enough for me. But lately, I started to look at these city light again. It's just unfair, you know? It's becoming Ironic. I thought you were enough for me. That I was enough for you. Now, you're too far just like the lights. Your warmth. You. You are now too far. Whyyyyyy?" Her voice was now breaking. She's trying to with hold her tears. Too late. It's falling.

My eyes widened. My hands reach for her and hugged her. I rest my chin on her shoulder. "I'm sorry Oka. I'm sorry." Her hair is tied on its usual form. My hands
start to rub it. "I'm so sorry." I tightened the hug. I can feel her hands grip tighter on my clothes. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being like this. Sorry for being so insensitive. Sorry for not being honest enough. With that said, I'm ready now."

"Ready? for what?"

"To be Honest. To you and to myself. You deserve to know." My chest is bumping. This heart cannot contain it any much longer. She holds my hand. "I know. I know you like my cousin." Her voice is shaking. I can't believe she could be blunt about it. Aaand she's right. My eyes lingers to look at the floor. "Gumi." "No, I'm sorry. Sorry for not being enough." She's staring forward and she's crying. I couldn't reply. She held my hand. "But that doesn't mean we should break up. Is it okay if I fight for a little while?" This is wrong. I should be honest. Even if I promised to, I can't do this to her.

"Oka. Yes, I'm attracted to her. I'm sorry. You can always slap me for it. For being a coward." She was shaking her head, telling me that would not she would not, at any point in time, do it. But I interjected, grabbing her hand. "No, it's true that I'm a coward. And you don't need to suffer for what I'm doing." Tears have gathered in my eyes, waiting to fall. My face cannot be read anymore. This is nothing more but a deception because I'm deceiving her, and I'm deceiving myself. "Are you letting me go?"
She asks. I nodded hesistantly. "And then your choosing her?" "Yes I'm letting you go and no, I want to choose myself. Or rather, I want to make sure."

Her warm hands make their way to their to my cheeks. Her fingers are rubbing on my skin. And her forehead meets mine. "Then, who am I to hold you back? besides, if I ever want to be with you, I want you to want me, to choose me.". Her tears are being catched by her mouth, making her words hazy. "All I want is for you to be happy. Even if its not with me." I hold her hands. "Oka. . ." My voice sounds like protesting or insisting. "It's alright. Let me be the first to say good bye, before this ferris wheel stops spinning." With a deep breath and a thorough wipe in the face, she says it. "Goodbye Iso." At that, the ferris wheel haulted.