The Mafia's Girl

The Reason Why The Heart Still Beats

I laid on my back with a hot packet over my lower stomach area and just stared up at the dull ceiling as my mind just kept going on and on non-stop about what my life has become. And just even the thought of it made me want to cry my heart out. I missed my mother, even though all she had ever did was beat me up. I missed Samantha, even though all she had ever did was ignore my existence up until she needs someone to hang out with or when she needs someone to get something for her. They were family no matter what. They were, my, family. Family. I missed that. If one was to ask about my family, I'd honestly have to say I don't have one. I never did.

I was the mistake she made after-all.

I pressed the ball of my wrists on my eyes and pressed down it. "For fuck's sake," I whispered with a sniff. My mother was put in a rehab along with Samantha. Kamier told me it was best if I don't visit them but I've snuck out a few times to do just that. I watched them from afar and hated the fact that I couldn't find a certain closure for myself. Sure, rehabilitation was going to help the both of them. Sure, it was going to clean up their act and make themselves better and I'm proud of both of them that they've agreed to the treatment. But something was missing.

Something was there at the back of my mind telling me something was missing.

But I wasn't quite sure what it was. No matter how I put it together, I could never come to a conclusion to resolve this dilemma. I've talked to myself over and over that the closure I really needed was a family. That I was able to have the family I always wanted. But even saying it out loud wasn't enough to ease the nagging in my head. Out loud I told myself they were getting better, the results were clear as day. Nope. It wasn't even that.

I couldn't care for them anymore. Now that...That was a feeling I do not deny feeling.

That day when Leo came to the apartment and found me, I was so broken; so weak. I convinced myself that I really was the mistake no matter how many people told me that I wasn't. I convinced myself that I didn't need them, because I really didn't. I convinced myself through the seven years of hell that I do not need anyone anymore. Which was an awful lie on my part because I needed him. I wanted him in my life. And as much as I hate him, I love him just as much. As much as I push him away, the more I want to pull him back.

I am a monstrous disaster.

I dropped my hands and just let my mood swing kick in, allowing myself to cry. I've done so well without Ryder. I was so strong and fearless without him. But now that he's back in this life of mine, I can't help but be the weak little girl I once was when I first met him. "I'm so confused," I shuttered out. I turned myself over to my stomach and hid my face in my arm and silently cried.

I don't know how long I was crying for but next thing I know, I was being pulled into someone's warm and tight embrace. I couldn't care who it was and just buried myself deep in it. "You're such a monster," his voice hissed out. "All you had to do was call out for me, love, and I'd come." I let my sobs escape and hug my beast of a man as he kisses the top of my head. "I'm here now. For you, I'll always be here and anywhere else where you would ever need me to be."

"Ego odisse vos," I growled out lowly while holding him tighter. (Latin: I hate you)

His heart beat stopped for a split second before running steadily. Ryder chuckled as the vibration did me good. "Ego amare vos, amica mea. Now and forever." (Latin: I love you, my love)

I eventually fell asleep and awoke to a dark room and steady breathing. I reached over and turned on the lamp and turned to see Ryder sleeping peacefully next to me. I went back over to him and propped myself up on my elbow and dug my fingers through my hair as my other hand goes up to play with his face. I smoothed the back of my fingers down his nose and brushed my fingertips across his lips as he huskily grunted. I broke into a smile and watched as he stirred to get comfortable again.

The sound of my phone going off interrupted my peace. I looked over to where the sound was coming from and sighed. I got off the bed and went to see who it was. I pulled the chair out and sat down. "Yeah?" I greeted.

"Rude much?" He teased. "Have your mama ever taught you how to greet properly?"

"No, she hasn't," I sweetly said. "What is it that you want?"

"You, of course. It's always been you from the first moment I laid my eyes on you. So beautiful you were in that tight red dress with the slit going up towards your gorgeous waist. Would you so kindly as to accept my invitation tomorrow night?"

I smirked. "Oh? Sounds very intriguing," I moaned out making him grunt on the other line. "But I'm afraid you're just not worth my precious time."

"You know I'll make your time worth while. Just accept the offer and let me handle the rest. You and a plus one to make you feel...comfortable around me. I at least want you to see that beautiful smile of yours when we meet up."

I smiled, playing along with this man. "I accept your invitation."

"Good. I'll see you at the opera theatre on Weston and George at nine tomorrow. Show me them legs too. I love your legs."

"I'll show you more than just my legs sweetheart. But I'll keep it as a surprise for now. Goodnight." I hung up and slid my phone on the table. I dropped my smile. What could he possibly want this time? Deep in my thoughts, I didn't even hear Ryder get up. Next thing I feel is his soft lips roughly against my neck as I involuntarily moaned. "Back to bed," he growls in my ear. He moves to the side of the chair and swoops me up. He practically throws me on and quickly hovers over me.

Before I could make a move, he immediately brings me to my high as he slams his lips over mine. Ryder moves my legs apart with his and lays himself between them as he hungrily and angrily kisses me. His hands go up into my hair and tugs it, making my head tilt back. I gasp as he attacks my throat down to my chest. On his way back up, he nibbles and bites my sensitive skin and hovers his bruised lips over mine. "I shouldn't have to remind you of who you belong to," he growls out dangerously.

I held back a smirk. "I don't know what you're talking about," I played out. The muscles in his jaw jerked hotly as he punishably brusied my lips with his and I hungrily kissed him back, wanting more of it. When he moved away, I growled. "One more," I pleaded but he all but smirked, clearly amused.

"Say please," he teased.

I bit my lip to avoid it but the desire of wanting him closer got the better of me. I wanted him and I wanted him bad. I've missed this feeling so much. The feeling only Ryder could give me. The desireable high I get when he kisses me. The way his eyes glaze over with lust as he watches my lips being chewed by my teeth got my stomach churning. I let out a purr like growl. "Please."

Ryder smiles which got my heart flipping and beating fast. He leans in and kisses me so passionately, so lovingly, I felt like I was falling. I don't know how, but I was falling fast. "I love you," he whispers ghostly against my lips. I looked at him and at that moment...I knew what I was missing. It was love. The reason why my heart still beats. The reason why I'm still here...and waiting for something as much as a miracle to happen to give me a new meaning to live a life...with Ryder.