An Impossible Love [l.t au]

38.

I sit up on my bed, replaying my dream over and over again. I haven't had one of those kind of dreams about Louis in a while and I forgot how much I longed for it. Trying to wipe the stupid smirk-smile off my face, I get off my bed and prepare myself for the worst that could possibly happen today.

Brendon's car is already in my driveway when I step outside and not-so-gracefully, I enter and am greeted by Sarah and Brendon himself.

"I found a new game to obsess over," Sarah announces and Brendon takes a sharp inhale through his teeth making a hissing sound.

Being the sarcastic ass he is, he says, "Sarah, that's one of the worstest of games you could find."

I give a small laugh and put my headphones on listening to whatever plays on shuffle. Reminder, Alex: You need new music.

There was a night when I was fifteen; where my mother had played some of her old music that Dad hated. He would always tease her for the songs she listened to. They weren't jazz or classical shit like that- they were pretty dirty songs but since they were her favourite genre, she loved them.

Country.

It's fine for me to state that I hate country music. Some songs get so sexual but all the beats of the songs are the same. Or at least they are to me. It's the same reason Dad also hated her music.

That night, she said that I would help her find her new music that everyone would enjoy, so I did. I showed her mine and Dad's personal favourite- Stranger In The Night. I remember how Mother's eyes froze when she read the lyrics. It seemed to have such a great impact on her. The lyrics appeared to mean a lot to Mother and a couple years later, I finally understood why.

My mum would always be one for big meanings or cute soft songs. Stranger In The Night seemed to have both. I was going to show her a whole playlist of songs like that, but she looked upset and said she didn't want to hear anymore. When I climbed the roof that night- it was my first time, I was trying it out. I did almost end up cracking my head open, but that's not important- I couldn't help but wonder if I was the reason my mother had the impression of being distressed.

So as this song plays, I can't help but feel a bit of irritation run through my body. I loved my mother, but she would always have me feeling troubled and confused. My mother was a person who would keep to herself a lot, but she would show a lot of emotion. She wouldn't tell us why, but she would feel a lot of things. If she did happen to tell anyone, it would be my father and that would leave me taken aback. Didn't she trust me? Didn't she think I was worth enough telling?

Didn't she see the pain I was in because of her lack of communication?

We reach school and I immediately rush to the bathroom. I've been meaning to pee since I got in the car, but obviously, I was in a car.

I enter the bathroom and am instantly met with weeping. Well, you know what they say, the bathroom is a great place to cry. I'm about to say something but I stop in shock when I see that the person crying is Rachel.

This is something I would have never expected.

"R-Rachel?" I manage to stutter out. She lifts her head and right away wipes all her tears away.

She sniffles. "Oh, God. This is embarrassing."

I hold out an arm for her to take to get up and she gratefully takes it. "What's wrong?"

We both end up sitting on the bench that the school decided to put in the washroom a couple years ago. They said that in case we ever need to just...sit, in the bathroom.

She sniffles again and wipes her nose in the tissues she has while taking a deep breath. "Nothing seems to be going right, anymore."

Oh, let me guess. No more wifi? No more T.V privileges? Isn't life just hard for you?

"My parents keep fighting and putting the blame on me and I can't help the people around me who need help. I'm failing in classes- how am I supposed to get into a good college? And, gosh, Louis just..." She trails off and breaks into another sob. I hate how perfectly good she is. It bothers me because I keep trying to find a flaw about her, but I can't. She has everything. She is everything...except for a bitch, ugh.

I furrow my eyebrows and look down. "Did Louis do something to you?"

She lets out a humourless chuckle and wipes her tears again. "No- well, yes. I don't know. It's so hard to explain."

"Me trying to explain things are hard, I'll probably understand." I encourage with a slight smile.

She chuckles again and takes another deep breath. "Louis is just...I mean, he's so...wait, I don't know where to start, gosh. Okay, so I always thought of Louis and I as friends with benefits, right? But I don't know what happened. After all these months, I think I just kind of fell and seeing that I can't help myself makes me so- ugh! I want to be there for Louis as he is for me. I think..."

My heart starts beating faster. "You think...?"

Please don't say it. "I think I'm in love with him."

Hoe, I said don't do it!

I feel my heart drop all the way down to my stomach and jealousy and hurt are consuming my insides. Maybe with a hint of disappointment and...

What is this emotion called? When you feel like your world just crashed on your chest and you don't know what to do about it? When the last bit of hope you had just got flushed down the toilet?

If Louis had an option between me and Rachel, he'd choose Rachel with no hesitation and no doubt. They're close. I remember seeing them after that horrifying dinner and I just couldn't look at them anymore. Louis genuinely smiled. Rachel genuinely looked happy.

I shouldn't care as long as Louis' happy. I shouldn't be this selfish.

But for all these years, I always imagined myself as that girl who could make him smile and laugh. Reality kind of hits you hard when you realize you're not that person and you probably never will be.

"Oh," I say quietly.

"But it'd never work," She clasps her hands on her legs and looks over to the other side. "We're going to different colleges and we have different plans for the future. My father also wants me to marry a man with class."

I bite the inside of my lip. I'm going to hate myself for saying this but, "It's your choice. If you love someone, you go get that person. It's not up to your father."

She thinks this over in her head, I'm guessing, because she stays quiet and then a hint of a smile appears on her lips. The world crashes against me again. "You're right. Well, we'll just have to see, anyway. If Louis' willing to let me in, then I'll walk through that door. For now, all I can do is hope I can manage to pass my classes."

I try to plaster an authentic smile but it just doesn't reach my eyes and I want to fall in bed, listen to music and hope Peter Pan takes me away.

If two people like each other, who am I to stand in between them?

a/n: please comment about how you feel so far! it'll mean a lot :) 

another 10 votes for another chapter? i've written a lot out already and all i can say is HONEY YOU HAVE A STORM COMING YOUR WAY.