Heart Rallies

Une: Inflammatory Heart Disease

I watched her walk down the aisle.

She was wearing a white gown that one of her closest friends in college designed. It was lacy and long sleeved. It was pure white and glittering. My brother stood in front of me in his pure white tuxedo. He was nervous since the time that he started dressing up and was too anxious that he kept walking back and forth inside the house.

I wanted the same woman too for the longest time that I can imagine. Call it courageous or coward that I did not tell her what I feel, I do not really care. I had my own reasons why I didn't. Maybe I loved my family too much that I would always give way for them or maybe I was scared to hear that she wouldn't take a family to Ethan in.

Standing on the same altar with my brother while he waited for her is pretty much NOT the nicest situation a man could be in.

Imagine your heart to be removable.

Mine was taken out, pricked with needles, stepped on, hammered, grinded, then thrown out in the sea, scattered. I felt like I was hit by a ten-wheeler truck and was just left there on the ground lifeless.

The only difference is that I am alive.

When Raffy was near, my brother turned to me and wiped his teary eyes. His eyes were red and he was crying since he laid his eyes on his bride. I patted my brother's back and imagined I was patting mine too.

"Your bride's waiting," I tried my best not to quiver.

"You don't like my dress?" I heard Raffy ask Ethan.

"I love it. Even if you might be wearing just a plain shirt and jeans, I would be crying the same amount for the same reasons," Ethan told Raffy.

My Raffy.

It was further crushing me and I am at the point of wanting to just cry it out and be done with it but I can't. I am doing my responsibilities as his best man. When we all took our seats, I felt my heart constrict. I tried taking a deep breath and look outside but it did not help.

Before I can do anything, I went out of the church.

I don't know how far I went but the church that they chose has a separate chapel where people go to pray the rosary. It was called the Adoration Chapel and it was more quiet compared to the actual church. I went inside and sat on the floor. I drew my knees up and hugged it while I buried my head in between.

I don't know how long I've been like that when I felt someone hold my shoulder and I found my Mom partly sitting. She gave me a weak smile and embraced me. I know that even if I do not utter a word this time, she understood. She gave me time to stay that way and when she felt that I had enough, she helped me stand up. I wiped my tears away and went back inside the church.

The ceremony went on and I was just able to do what I needed to do. We all headed to the reception after all the pictures were taken and it was time to go. Even my best bud Cali was enjoying the celebration with his parents and I could not rely on him for him to cheer me up at times like this. I greeted some of the guests and relatives I know and went on quietly. If one is to count the number of pictures I had that time, they could count it with their fingers.

The host called everyone to their seats and had some people give their messages and greetings for the newlyweds. They called some friends in college, Raffy's parents, my parents, and Cali. I saw how happy my little boy was when he was carried by his real father with his mother standing beside them. I was planning to quietly leave the place, unnoticed but then the host called my name and asked me to give mine. I went back to my seat.

What the hell should I say? I want you Raffy? I love you but my brother does too so I gave way so congratulations? I saw my Mom smile at me.

"So... Finally," I said and forced myself to form a smile. "Napagod kaming hintayin kayo na umabot sa reception na 'to."

Laughter. Pain for me.

"I do not know what else to say guys," I started. I do not know what to say to two people you both love. "I saw you both as to how you started. I saw you grow and fall apart then grow together again. All I know is that... If there's one reality truer than one plus one is equal to two, that is the fact that you are meant for each other. No one can ever take that away nor dismantle that reality. I'm glad you didn't let go Raffy when we sang on the streets of Maryland and that you Ethan didn't let her go away when you let her leave for the US."

I paused because anytime from now, I know my heart would break again. I took a deep breath and when I felt that I can fake it, I smiled. "I'm happy that you two are happy. You know that you two are the most important people in my life. Cheers."

I raised my glass and as soon as I am done, I went outside to catch some fresh air. No, I couldn't cry anymore. My tears all went dry but my heart was still feeling the same pain. Same quality. It was a pain that meant nothing other than décès.

Morte. Kematian.

Death.

I was long gone before the reception ended. I was driving at full speed when I heard my phone ring. I ignored it despite the loud noise coming from the tone. I went as far as Rizal, just trying to drive away from the people I know, the people who can hurt me too bad. When the ringing did not stop, I pulled over and answered it.

"Mom, I'm fine," I answered as soon as I accepted the call.

"Seff, I wanted to make sure you are fine. I've given all the attention I can to your brother. Now that I'm done with that, I want to be your Mom. Where are you?" she answered.

"Just some place far," I told her. I don't want to tell her where for I do not want her to follow me. I need some time alone. "Don't worry, I'll be home tomorrow."

"Seff, please, give me some peace of mind. I just want to know where you are and I promise, I wouldn't follow you. I'm your mother, I just need to know where you are, son. Please, maawa ka sa Mama mo," I heard my mother beg me.

I took a deep breath. "Nasa may gawing Rizal po."

I knew my mother wanted to freak out that I went as far as Rizal but she promised me that she wouldn't do anything. I just heard her sigh.

"Okay," she said. "Mag-ingat ka. I'm expecting you at home tomorrow."

And I didn't.