Heart Rallies

Trente et Cinq: Asystole

How did we end up in marriage?

I was already at the point of giving up on her because of her fear of commitments. I got her risk taking one foot on a pot of boiling water when she agreed to make a commitment with me. I wanted her to take another one foot down by marrying me. But she hates pain too much.

Then, I love her more than that that I was willing to sacrifice some principles just so I wouldn't lose her. I love her more than the pain that she has. I do not want us to remain as live in partners. I want to marry her, build a life with her, paint a family with her, and celebrate wedding anniversaries like my parents. So, I will give way. I'll try accepting her wishes of being nothing. I went back to her and for some weeks, we stayed that way. She was more open when it comes to making the relationship better. She did what a girlfriend is supposed to do. In fact, sometimes the duties of a wife.

It was better and knowing that I shouldn't be expecting too much from her, I convinced myself to appreciate what she can give me and to learn how to be contented. The atmosphere got lighter even if there was a hole inside me that cannot be filled in with what we have. I do not know if she sensed it or not but it might have been the trigger for her to do something about it.

I was in my office one time when they called for dinner on my parents' house. I was about to pass but Bea was too manipulative to make me say yes at the end of that conversation. I went home pissed off with her and so we had dinner. Everyone was present even if it was a weekday.

We finished our dinner and for the first time, they asked for some picture taking. It's weird because we don't do that. I agreed and they made me wear a white shirt. It had my name printed on it. No questions asked, I wore it on top of my polo shirt.

We then positioned ourselves. Anthony was on the leftmost side, standing. Next was Ethan, Dad, me, then Paul on the rightmost. Sitting on the couch were the ladies - Akira, Raffy, Mom, Bea, then Ava. The three grandkids were on the floor, Gavin carrying the pretty Colbie, Cali sitting beside his cousin.

Ethan had the camera set on timer with their tripod. It would be a total of five shots with five seconds interval. When he had it positioned, he immediately ran to take his place.

"Guys, first three serious. Last two wacky!" Ethan said.

And we did it as instructed. No one changed positions for the first three and hard headed that I am, I moved during the wacky one. I squeezed myself somewhere between my mom and Bea. She was upset with what I did and I didn't know why. Seriously, I was irritated because it is nonsense to be mad for such reason.

When it was done, Ethan checked on it and Bea stood up to see the pictures. They were both smiling and laughed hard at some point.

"Looks good. I'm fine with it," Ethan said. "Except for the last two."

"Yeah, I agree. I think so too," I heard her say.

"Can I see how it looks like?" I asked and stood up to join the three. I wonder what made them laugh. Ethan handed me the camera.

"Kasalanan mo bakit pumangit yung wacky," Ethan had a playful smile on his face.

Anong meron?

I took the camera from him and pressed the playback button. What I saw surprised me.

No, scratch that.

Surprise is not even enough to describe what I felt. Do you know how it feels when a car runs through some humps along the road and you feel like the car was on the air for a short second and you felt like all your intestines were left somewhere in the atmosphere? It felt something like that. It felt like I wanted to cry and throw tantrums. Yeah, tantrums like what toddlers do. It felt like I got a flat line on the cardiac monitor.