The Consequence ✔︎ Blake Griffin

1✔︎Write It Out

Two Months Later - Friday, May 27, 2015

Blake

"Bro, what are you doing? I'm ready to go!"

I rolled my eyes at DJ's sense of urgency over this workout he was so excited about. He'd been trying to get me to workout ever since our embarrassing loss to the Rockets in the second round of the playoffs after being up 3-1 in the series. But I hadn't had the desire to do anything. Basketball was the only thing that got my mind off Jubilee, and when that ended, I just couldn't continue to act like everything was okay. It took everything in me to give my all for the team when my heart was lost with my girl...wherever she was in Sacramento...with the asshole I refused to name.

It had only been ten days since the playoffs ended for us, and I had at least given in to DJ's demands to take a trip to Cabo with him. Of course I'd gotten drunk and ended up on TMZ since I'm their favorite person to either embarrass or interrogate, and that was the last straw for me. I couldn't take this shit anymore. I told DJ I was coming home and turned my phone off for days.

My team was the NBA's favorite punch line. My personal life was the media's favorite to sensationalize. And my name continued to be dragged through the mud. At least when Jubilee was here we faced all this together. Having all this crap thrown at me wasn't the main issue. The main issue was having to do it alone. I missed Jubilee more than words could explain, and nothing I did could fill the void she'd left in my heart. She wasn't just my girlfriend, she was my best friend. The person I always turned to when I was in trouble. But now, she wasn't here, and that's what had been the hardest to adjust to. Jubilee's absence.

When I got back from Cabo I didn't know what to do with myself. Drinking didn't help. Eating didn't help. And I could only sleep for so long. I'd already binge-watched Game of Thrones by myself and The Magic School Bus with Ford. In a last ditch effort to somehow get close to Jubilee in her absence, I decided to write. She used to ask me to join her while she wrote her poetry and journaled every now and again, but I always used to poke fun at her, asking her if diaries were for adults or teenagers. Now, it seemed like the only way to express my feelings and do something that related to Jubilee in some way.

So here I was, ignoring DJ who had tried everything he could to cheer me up and get me out of this funk. And I probably should be thanking him, but it would at least have to wait until I finished today's letter...

Jubilee,

It's been two months, and I still can't seem to move forward. I thought basketball would occupy me, but that ended way too soon, and I don't know what to do without you. You filled my days in a way that I didn't realize until you were gone. You were what I came home to. You were who Ford knew would almost always be with me whenever he came to see me. You were the reason I had a home cooked meal almost every night. You were the person who never hesitated to tell me how much you believed in me no matter how often I got injured, or how many losses my team suffered. This is why I can't understand why you left me.

It both infuriates me and devastates me every time I think about it, which is almost every hour of every day. Every day of our lives together, I felt like you loved me. Because you showed it in everything you did and said. So how could you leave? How could you? It doesn't make any sense. I would've been there for you. I would've given up everything to make sure you and our child were safe. And the worst part of it all isn't even that you left, it's that you didn't believe that we could get through this together. It's that you didn't think my love for you and your love for me could withstand this test. That's what hurts the most. And I know I said this in yesterday's letter and the letter from two days ago, and the letter before that. But, I just can't figure it out.