Beautiful Sins (A Joker FanFic)

Chapter Thirty-Four

I leaned back and forth in my black flats; the anticipation of what laid behind my old apartment door was enough to send me into a state of unease. I took deep, anxious breaths. I felt my hair turn a much darker color as my mood changed – it gave me a tingly feeling.

Damien stood behind me, leaning against a wall. He was patient.

I felt safer wrapped up in the cloak I conjured unknowingly. I finally built the confidence to open the door – I pushed my hood back, off my head.

"Come on." I said almost numbly as I almost successfully fought off all my emotions. Almost.

I gently wrapped my fingers around the cold brass knob, twisted, and pushed the door open. I was instantly hit with a wave of nostalgia. The scent of Luka's favorite cinnamon and vanilla wax melts hit me like a ton of bricks. I forced myself through the door, I was overwhelmed by the memories that confronted me so visually.

"Raven..." Damien began. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I shrugged it off.

"Go to my room," I gestured towards it. "tear it apart, collect every picture, photo album, diary, and sketchbook you can find."

He nodded and went off towards my room.

I made my way to Luka's.

The apartment seemed untouched from when I'd left, the dishes were still in the sink, the window was still open slightly, and the towel I'd used that morning was still on the floor. Chill ran up my spine.

Luka's bedroom door was left ajar, the only light was his computer screen which had somehow not been sent into sleep-mode. I'd walked in quickly in an attempt to stay desensitized to the situation - this was not the first time my brother had died.

I spent the next hour rifling through Luka's things as calmly as I could. I found the letters he talked about from my 'mother', and a few unopened ones also, they had a Gotham mailing address. They were all addressed to me.

I also found two journals of Luka's, and four unopened packages with no return address. I furrowed my brows at this, and walked over to his computer. I realized I'd missed something immediately. A letter that bore my name in Luka's hand writing was propped against his computer.

I picked it up cautiously, and opened it recklessly – I now felt desperate for answers.

It read:

My Dearest Raven,

I've driven you away – and the thought of a life without you is too much to bear. From the moment I'd met you, I knew how special you were/are. I love you, and I always will. No matter what you do, where you end up, or who you become. There is a light inside of you, and there is also a great darkness. There world isn't so black and white however, and you are the gray space. A beautiful gray space.

This is not your fault, and your emotions will tell you otherwise, but this is my choice. I have played my part, and now you have to play yours. I know you're looking for answers, and hopefully you will find them through the information I have left you. My research has been extensive, and logged in one of my two journals. Sadly, I cannot comprehend your powers, much less tell you how to advance them – but I have leads on where to find people who do.

I'm so proud to have had you as my best-friend/sister. Be strong – you're so much more than you think. Goodbye, my sweet pumpkin pie.

Tears poured down my cheeks like salty, broken, waterfalls.

"What're ya doin to yourself, doll?"

I looked up to reveal J leaning against the door frame.

I suddenly felt self-conscious of my new appearance, and the fact that I was crying - seeming weak. I waved my hand towards my cloak in an upward motion, and the hood floated over my head and fell.

"Don't look at me." I said quietly, turning my back to him.

I heard him growl and stomp behind me. He grabbed me, pulling me into him, and swung me to face him.

"Don't fucking push me away." He hissed, looking me in my eyes.

"I'm not me anymore..." I whispered looking down.

He pushed my hood back gently, and lifted my face so that our gazes met – he examined me curiously.

"Ya changed physically when ya lost it and killed Joseph Hernandez." He looked up to my eyes again. "But ya still have a beautiful soul to match that pretty face, baby."

I smiled weakly with tears in my eyes, still flowing freely.

 I looked back up at him. "He's gone again J, this is the second time he's died on me."

I broke down and fell into his arms.

"Shhh." He soothed me. "Everything... everything happens for a reason, doll."

I grabbed on to him for my life, my grip on his shirt so tight I'm surprised it didn't rip.

"How did you find me?" I asked into his chest.

"Ya didn't really think I didn't know exactly where you were, did ya?" he pulled my head from his chest, holding my face in his hands; he leaned his face down to mine. "That'd far too risky, I can't afford to lose my bride."

I grinned, closing my eyes, and leaning my forehead against his. "I love you."

"Ahem." Damien interrupted. "Did you find anything, besides an entire clown?"

J growled and bowed up as he began to walk towards Damien – but I caught his arm, pulling him back.

"Okay, calm down with all the testosterone boys." I rolled my eyes, and wiped my tears away. "Yes, I found a suicide note from Luka, and some other stuff."

"Like what?" Damien and Joker asked in unison.

They stared each other down hatefully.

Stop it. I hissed at Damien internally. I knew he could hear me.

"I'm not sure yet, I need to take it home – speaking of, is the estate in a livable state after everything?" I ask J.

"Yeah, you were out for a few days. The mansion fully recovered the attack." He stated blandly.

"Damien, would you help me carry everything to the car?" I asked awkwardly.

"Absolutely not, you aren't carrying anything." Damien spoke heroically.

Joker did not like that. He slammed Damien into the wall and positioned a gun to his temple. "Who do ya think you are?"

Your little boyfriends quite a jealous one, isn't he? Damien said through his mind-speak.

"J stop." I begged.

"SHUT UP." He screamed looking back at me for a second. "Ya must have a death wish, peacock boy."

I internally laughed and but knew how serious the situation was. Damien remained audibly silent, besides a few grunts from Joker pushing on his lungs.

Hurtful! Make him stop before I have to hurt him. Damien warned.

"DADDY!" I shouted.

Ouuuuu kinky. Damien chuckled in my mind.

Shut up. I laughed internally again, fighting the urge to laugh audibly.

J let go of Damien, turned around, and smiled at me. "Yes, doll?"

"Can we go home?" I asked sweetly, distracting him from Damien.

He laughed darkly, "Ouuu you know – ya really know how to get to me."

I flicked my wrists and everything I needed to take floated to the middle of the room in a neat pile.

I smiled at J, and took his arm leading him out of the room.

I called back to Damien, "Bring everything back to the estates for me, thanks!"

On the way out I heard Damien in my mind, Thanks, love.

I smirked and thought back, No problem, try not to get on J's bad side next time. It's really not a good idea.