Oblivion (A Stiles Stilinski/Teen Wolf Fanfiction) [3]

Chapter 22 - Burn

 I sat on the rough shingles off the roof just outside my window, my knees pulled to my chest with my chin resting on top. My wrists were still raw and sore from the rope, but the pain didn't bother me. It was no more than a dull ache.

 There was something peaceful and serene about staring at the clear night sky, a feeling I haven't had in a while. Even now it's still a faint one. I can never be entirely at peace, not after what I've been through. What I've put others through. 

 Stiles was sitting next to me, only a few inches away. He would glance at me every now and then, but my head remained still. I was focused on a triad of stars that I could have sworn was my family. I did see them today, when I was moments from death. It wasn't a hallucination or a trick of my mind. No, I know it was really them. I believe it.

 Thoughts about Derek and my brother kept creeping into my mind. I wondered about where they went, or why they would even run in the first place. Stiles told me that Kali gave Derek the option to either join the Alpha Pack, or be killed. Either way isn't exactly ideal for the rest of us. But it's not like him to run away from his problems like that. Eric, however, has done this same thing before. 

 I called both of them at least thirty times, but there was no answer. You'd think that having my name, the person whom they believe to be dead, show up on their caller ID would spark something, but they're still ignoring us. I don't understand it and it's making me go mad.

 "You okay?" Stiles asked, his voice tender.

 "I just about died for the third time in a week," I said sharply. "I don't think I'll ever be okay."

 Stiles dropped his head, letting out a sigh through his nostrils. "I don't know what to do to help you, Emma," he said quietly. "I feel like I should, but I don't. Hell, I'm barely making it through all of this. And seeing how much pain you're in hurts me because I feel like there's nothing I can do about it,"

 A tight grip wrapped around the inside of my throat, choking me with how badly I was fighting off the next round of tears. This whole time all I've been thinking of is myself. I never considered how Stiles would feel, wondering if I was dead or alive. I didn't mean for it to be that way, because I don't want to hurt him, but that's what happened. It's my fault.

 "This whole thing is just so messed up, you know?" I said, my voice on the brink of cracking. "I mean we're just...we're a bunch of teenagers. We can't handle all of this,"

 Stiles didn't say anything, and I was beginning to feel brave and vulnerable. So, I let out a shaky breath and continued.

 "I killed someone," I said. "It doesn't matter if you're only seventeen it still changes a person. I know you've noticed it, Stiles, that I'm not the same as I was before it all happened. I feel it every day and it scares the hell out of me."

 I quickly wiped away the stray tear that had fallen, feeling Stiles' eyes on me. I turned to look at him, the light from my bedroom reflecting off the brown of his eyes. They were heavy, sullen almost, thick yet soft. 

 "I know that you feel guilty," he said, slowly. 

 "It's not just that," I said, taking in a sharp breath. "There's this part of me that...that liked doing it, that wants to do it again. I'm trying to control it but it is so hard,"

 I buried my face in my knees, feeling a hand rub over the small of my back. I hate this so much, constantly being afraid of what will happen next. What I will do next. I'm tired of living this way. It's exhausting jumping at every small sound.