Under Your Influence (GANG Series)

Chapter 29

Arias POV

      I can't believe this is happening again. He's the one that wanted me to stay away. I'm here because Jace needed to grab something and I of course would love to say hi to Aaron and Jake. I'm not here for this pointless and repeated conversation. It's funny though, how I some how always end up here when I kept telling myself I wouldn't come back ever again. 

"But it's my fault for caring too much about you you at all. I'm an idiot. You don't know how to care." I tell him. It's true, even though he hurt me I some how always ended up with him either way. I grew to care for him. As if I was asking for more. It feels good that I can tell him how I actually feel about everything instead of letting him be a jerk especially when it looks like he doesn't have the energy to argue back and looks at his most vulnerable. 

"It's my fault for starting to feel anything for you at all." It starts out as a yell but I quiet down as soon as my brain catches up with what my mouth was saying. I can't believe I just told him that. I only admitted it to myself once then pushed it back. Pushed him back. I regret saying it so much.

I can see that he's in shock or just looks shocked. But I know it's neither. He's probably finding this humorous. I'm waiting for him to start laughing and tell me I'm stupid or pathetic for starting to feel something for him. When he clearly doesn't care or dates.

"Y-You love me?" He says too quietly. Now I'm in shock. I didn't expect him to say that or anything close to that. I can't even believe those words came out of his mouth.

Love him?

Do I care for him? Yes, deeply unfortunately.

Do I feel  something for him? Yes I mean I just blurted it out to him. And it makes my heart ache every time I remind myself he doesn't feel the same way.

But do I love him? No

I don't think so.

Love is a strong word. Hate is as well I'm not even sure why I told him I hated him. I don't really but I surely don't appreciate him for hurting me.  

"No Jacob, I don't love you. I can't love someone like you. As you know it's a strong word and it has a deep meaning. So no I don't love you." I tell him. He doesn't show any emotion. He's sitting there looking like nothing.

"Right okay." He says. I just nod.

"Well those feelings they're pathetic you should get rid of them because I would never feel the same way or would want you." Venom in his voice. I don't cry at his harsh words. I thought I would but I'm too tired to let out anymore tears.

"Trust me, I've been trying." I simply answer him. I see emotion flash in his face once I say those words but he quickly recovers.

"Okay, I'm done let's go." Jace says coming out of his room.

"Okay." I say following behind.

I get in the car and once again focus on what's outside the window. I think that's what's wrong with me. I always tried focusing on everything on what's around me instead of what's inside me. The pain inside and all the other emotions locked inside. I feel like I built my walls up too high, too high for even me to get inside. I locked myself out of who I truly am. So now my friends and family aren't the only ones outside. I am as well. Nothing can break down those walls. Just because I figured everyone and everything around me because I'm smart doesn't mean I have myself figured out. I don't at all. And I sadden at the thought that it will always be that way.

"So did you guys make up?" Jace interrupts my thoughts. I'm glad he interrupted those thoughts, just not too happy about his question.

"Did it sound like it?" I say.