Forbidden

Chapter 24

-NINFA'S P.O.V-

    It's been nearly a month and my heart has done nothing but ache. She won't speak to me. She won't see me. And when I have come around, she turned herself invisible and walked off.
    I just want her. I want a chance to talk to her. I want her to hold me again. I miss her...
    I work only for Joel and the Elder now.. Valerie had Joel make the channels of our earsets different so she didn't have to talk to me.
   And she always has her way when the sword of everyone's death is in her hands. I know she wouldn't hurt me. The memory plays in my head over and over. The feeling crushes my heart each time.
   She's done everything known to stay away from me. And it hurts. It hurts so bad.
   This past mouth. It's been hell. The feelings have been anyway.
   I don't know what we are. I'm so confused. Very confused.
   If we're not together.. could she find a new lover that makes her feel the same way? The thought hurts...
   If we're not together...
   But what if we are still together? What does that mean? We're taking a break?
   It doesn't make sense. I can't make sense of it anyway. My heart can't..
   I just want her. But she won't let me near her long enough for us to even glance at one another. Maybe a millisecond glance and then she's gone.
  I've loved this woman for a little over a month. Well, know that I have loved her. And.. there is nothing I can do about it.
   She will never take me back after what I did. Never love me. You can be in love but never love... you can also fall out of love..
   You know someone for 5 month. Find your love for them at 6 and them to the rest of the month you end up alone because you're stupid. Left to know you love them but can do nothing about it.
   I land in her balcony and give Joel his equipment. I try to smile to him. "See you tomorrow."
"Have you ta.."
"No." I stopped him from finishing.
    He sighs as heavy as my heart feels. "She won't talk to me much either."
"I didn't mean for this all to happen. I'm sorry she shut you out because of me."
   He shrugs. "It's okay. Her loss. I'm fabulous."
   I roll my eyes and laugh.
"I thought I would never see you smile again. It worked."
"See you later."
   I leave. Her presence.. it breaks my heart to leave even though I know she's invisible close to me.
   The flight home is always easier than the last. In and out of heaven's realm to fight again has been good. Except that time last week.
   Last week I got trapped. A blur saved me but left immediately and I know it was her. I was down for a few days but I'm good again. Always ready to follow the moon and fight.
   I sit across from the Elder and summon food for him and I. We eat slowly and talk about random things. Ways to spell the sword. Ways to spell the gun.
   Mainly things of magic. He's a wise wizard. An old wise wizard.
   As finished with eating, I retire to my chambers for rest. Misty headbutts me and follows. As I climb into bed, she does same.
   I tried my best to keep her off the bed because she crushes it but it is helping me sleep. Misty isn't Valerie...but she keeps me warm enough.
   I fall asleep, curled into a ball under her massive arms. At least with this.. at least with this, I am partially home. Practically.

   I can't take this pain anymore. The thought of switching to angel mode only becomes more real. Another month has gone by and she... I...
   I can't do it anymore. I just...
   I spent 2 months alone. Sad. Hurt. And all I want is her.
   Her and losing the humanity I hold are the only ways I will not feel. I need her... I need her...
   I blink to her room. She sleeps. I find myself crying before I can ever say a word.
   She turns invisible as she's done before. The sheets around her ruffle and she begins to leave again.
"Please Valerie. Please.."
    She makes herself seen and I can't help.. her eyes.. her ruby eyes.. the beauty...
"For someone who fears me, you seem rather bold."
"I was never afraid. I didn't mean it like that."
"Right."
   I try walking to her but she steps back.
"It's not fair. It's not fair. I didn't chose to love you but I do and it's killing me." I feel myself fall to the floor.
   In the moment, I'm not lying. My heart being broken has caused my body such weakness. I'm not use to the feeling and it has made my body grow sick. It is killing me and maybe if this silence lasts any longer, it will succeed.
"I love you." I mumble out and hang my head away from her gaze.
"Love and fear don't have much of a difference. You fear. You do not love."
   It's.. my body.. my body grows weaker with each denial.
"I don't fear you. I know you would never hurt me."
"Why are you here? Why wake me when I sleep to tell me lies?"
"I'm not lying. I'm not."
"Why wait to tell me if it's true?"
"You wouldn't let me talk to you."
    She scoffs. "I stayed away from you. Gave you space. I did my best to leave you alone so you aren't afraid. You fear me. You don't love."
   I fall the rest of the way to the floor. My heart grows more slower. My body literally caving to the pain.
"What's happening?"
    I use strength to laugh. "I told you it was killing me."
"Is this a sick joke?"
    I cough up blood. I look up to her. Her ruby eyes.. But they hold worry.. She acts like she doesn't care but holds worry.
"Not joke."
   She lifts me up and lays me down on her bed. I had almost forgotten the way it feels. The.. the soft and warmth. Almost forgotten.
"Rest." She grabs a pillow and walks towards the door to leave.
"Please don't leave me." I say in a sob of tears.
   She turns back to me. Her eyes show worry but otherwise are dull... lifeless... She doesn't care.
    She lays on the other side of the bed. Out of my reach. It's been 2 months. 2. And... And being here still feels wrong..
"You don't have to believe me, Val. But I do. I love you."
   In a second she is sitting on my stomach with the angel blade to my throat.
   I sigh. "I don't care. Kill me." I turn my head to the side and give her access to my neck.
"Look at me."
   As I turn my head, her eyes catch mine. Her beautiful ruby eyes have grown slightly dull. It makes me sad to look to them.
"Why aren't you killing me?" She just stares at me...
   I move myself closer to the blade, feeling a burn as it begins a cut.
"STOP THAT." She throws the knife across the room.
"I told you what I needed to. Either my body will finish it's self destruct or I will turn off my humanity. I don't want to feel this way anymore."
"I've spent 2 months without you, Nin. 2 months of staying away because I just wanted you to live without the fear of me. And over this time all I can do is think about you. Every single waking moment my mind goes back to you. Would have dreams of you. Of your death. Of how I never was able to confess my feelings."
"But I don't fear you. I've been trying to tell you that. Each time I do get close enough to say anything, you shut me down and block me out."
    Her eyes slowly return to their color.
"You don't have to say it back, Valerie. But I know I love you. I have known since we had ...made love."
    Tears fill her eyes. A look of absolute sadness.
"You can't love me."
"But I do."
"I" she slightly chokes but continues her words. "love you too."
"I don't want you to say it if you don't mean it."
   Her lips touch mine and I feel my heart instantly race. As if her smallest of touches were all I need to be me. To be healed. To be free... I heal.
   The kiss parts to lack of breath. Taste of the mint her breath carries and the saltiness of tears. Her eyes.. the ruby beauty shines brightly.
   She climbs off of me and sits next to me like I would do.
"I love you too, Nin."