Because of You, Well, Us

Kate

I listened to the message. Then listened to it again. I had forgotten to turn my phone off before I fell asleep, so I woke up to it buzzing on my nightstand. I felt the call go to voicemail when I noticed Chase's name on the screen.

Then I listened to the message he had left. Chase had such a pretty voice. Despite his love of soccer, music seemed like more his calling.

Just then, I heard something in the distance. Music. Listening harder, I recognized the song from my voicemail. It sounded close. The corder of my curtain felt heavy in my hand as I lifted it. I could just make out the outline of someone sitting under the tree on my yard, and I recognized Chase without even thinking about it.

"Kate?" His voice whispered in the dark "Kate, if that's you, get down here before I have to drag you myself. I changed my mind. We need to talk."

He sounded desperate, "Fine, just give me a minute."

I slipped out of my pajamas and into normal clothes, then tiptoed past my dad's room.

Once outside, I found Chase right by the door. My heart skipped a bit at the sight of him, which did not speak well for how I would react to this conversation. He placed a hand on my back and guided me to the tree, and it felt like electricity coming through me at his touch.

I noticed how the blanket on the ground under his guitar. So he had planned this? Odd. I never thought he would act so pushy about my forgiving him. Yet, here he was, coming right out with it.

"I hate that you're mad at me." Chase whispered, sitting on the blanket. "I don't want to face senior year without my best friend."

I sat down next to him and drew my knees to my chest, "You want me as more than your best friend, though. Don't you?" I tried to look him in the eye.

I saw him rub his face with his hands and shove back his curly hair. He let out a sigh. "Of course I do. I told you how I felt about you. I really, really like you, Kate."

I had wanted to hear those words for the longest time. Now, I wanted to hear anything but them. I had no idea what to say, but it had to be something.

"Chase, I just want to just forget this all happened." I hope he couldn't see my face flinch like it did when I lied. I couldn't risk our friendship over it, he was too important to me. I braced myself for Hurricane Chase.

"You kind of want to forget it happened? As in part of you still wants to remember? Is that what you're saying?" The tone of his voice lilted up with hope at the end.

I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't date Chase. If I lost him as my best friend, I don't know. I just couldn't. If I didn't date him, I'd end up losing him anyway. Of course I had dreamed of this day. Only I thought it would be when we got older, at least out of college so the chances of it ending in the best way possible seemed higher.

I placed a hand on his knee, then thought the better of it and put it back in my lap. "I can't, Chase."

"You what? Can't live without me? Who can?" He said with false pride. Compensation sounded palpable in his voice, telling me just how scared he felt. I'm pretty sure he knew what I meant.

"Date you. I can't risk it yet. Us being friends is way too important to me right now." I blurted.

"Yet? Right now? As in I have hope for a future?" Then he got serious. "I don't understand, Kate. We kissed and I thought you liked it. Not to mention everything else before that." Chase sighed, "Guess I was wrong."

I stood up, "The answer is simple Chase, I'm. Not. Ready."

Turning, I saw his face in the glow of a nearby streetlamp. I noticed streaks of tears, but he brought his hands to his face to hide them. I knew I'd let Chase down, but I didn't think I'd make him cry. I couldn't see him like that.

Crouching to come to his level, I paraphrased what Aunt Shari said to me, which felt like years ago. "Just give me time. Actual time. It's a good thing right now."

I tried to stay calm as walked back to my room and lay on my bed thinking until I fell asleep, just after dawn.