Because of You, Well, Us

Kate

I tried to talk to Andy after Amanda stormed out of what I now knew as Chase's room. I called Amanda crazy for thinking sparks still flew between Chase and I. And I became the awful person for lying to him. Not to mention I lied to Chase. Most of all, I lied to myself.

I went to the next home soccer game hoping to talk to Andy, but Amanda latched her face to his before I got the chance, shaking me to my core. Chase gave me a look, but I wasn't armed with the ice I had promised, so I turned and walked away. I didn't trust myself at this point, and I didn't want a repeat of what happened last time. It still killed me to look at him because of last time. Even after all of this time, I still thought about the child we could have had and the life we might have led. I couldn't atay around him just yet.

For most of my breaks sophomore year, I went to Maine. Sometimes my dad would fly over to see me since it seemed cheaper that way, but I also did it because it would have hurt too much to see Chase. I knew it could be letting him win, but I just couldn't handle seeing him. Seeing him just reminded me of what all could have happened. Not to mention that when dad wasn't in Maine, he worked, leaving me all alone. Which I still thought would have been a bit dangerous. With Aunt Shari in Maine, either she, the kids, or Uncle Doug bounced around, never leaving me alone.

During the Winter Break of my sophomore year, Aunt Shari made an appointment for me at her doctor. On the day of the appointment, the doctor walked in, introduced herself, and then sat and asked the typical questions. Do I drink, do drugs, have sex. My answer to the last one made her pause.

"Were slash are you safe?"
I hadn't had any repeats of the Chase incident with Andy. "Yes. I'm on the pill, but I started it to regulate my periods before using it as contraceptive." I chalked that up as the most comprehensive answer.

"You know that there are no guarantees, right?"

I looked down at my hands, folded in my lap, "Yes, I know." My voice sounded much smaller than I wanted it to be.

"Have you experienced them?" She asked with general concern in her voice. I wanted to start crying. I could only nod.

"How long ago did this happen, Kate?"

My voice caught in my throat and I had to cough before I said "About a year ago, I guess?" I calculated how old the baby would have been, and it made me sick.

The doctor put down her chart and spoke to me like a normal person, "Have you talked to anyone about this?"

"Yes. My best friend was with me when it happened, and then I told the would- be father a day or two later. I haven't told anyone else."

She just nodded and then proceeded with the appointment as normal. Before I left, she gave me the card for a few people I could call near Yale if I needed more help.

I ended up talking to Aunt Shari about the baby that night. After Casey and Garrett had gone to bed, Aunt Shari sat by the tree with a cup of tea. I didn't want to scare her, so I stayed quiet as I walked in the living room.

"Hey, Katie Bear, how are you doing? What did the doctor have to say?"

I sat next to her on the couch and leaned against her shoulder. "I'm healthy."

"Good," She planted a kiss on the top of my head.

We sat there for a little bit before I said something again.

"Aunt Shari?"

"Yeah, hon?"

"I have to tell you something."

"Okay." I felt her sit up a little bit.

"You know how I went back to school a little early last year? Well I ended up running into that guy I kind of had a thing with in high school, Chase? We ran into each other one of my first nights back on campus and-" I took a deep breath and saw the way Aunt Shari got so tense, I could see it. It had been so much easier to talk about this with Lucy. "And Chase and I slept together. A few times. But just that weekend."

I knew Aunt Shari wasn't a prude. I knew she hadn't remained a virgin until she married, neither had my mom. I knew she wouldn't get mad with me.

"Is there more to this?" She asked.

"A bit." My stomach got tense again, and I felt like I could going to cry, "Well, it ended up that I got," I hadn't ever really said this out loud to anyone but Chase, "I got pregnant."

I could feel Aunt Shari counting in her head, but obviously I wasn't pregnant anymore, she'd never seen me pregnant, and I wasn't toting around an infant.

"Kate, what did you do?" Aunt Shari asked quickly

"Nothing. I took the test and it said positive, but I had a miscarriage a few minutes later."

"Oh, Kate, why are you just telling me this now?"

I wondered the same thing. I couldn't believe I didn't tell Aunt Shari everything that happened right as it occurred. I had completely screwed up this entire situation. All of what happened just because Chase and I couldn't control ourselves. Every time I talked to Aunt Shari about my miscarriage after that first night, the more I wished my mom were around to help me through this. I don't know what she would have said differently, but I think there's just something about your mom. They somehow know how to make everything better. Quickly, my thoughts turned from my mom, to Chase. He should have been there. He would have been the father.

Chase, a father? That sounded almost as weird to say and me being a mother.

Casey and Garrett seemed like a whole other ball game. Having a constant reminder of what could have happened felt just awful at times. I know having kids before marriage, especially while you're still in school, ruins all of your hopes and dreams, but they're just fun. And they helped me have fun and forget... everything that felt wrong.

Except for Chase. The stupid kid who suddenly popped back into my life again just as I always felt content. Things going well with Andy? Oh, hi Chase. Finally have my emotions in check after I lose a baby? Chase tells me he loves me. Just got done having great sex with Andy? Let me think about Chase for a second. Sitting and doing homework with Andy? Let me think about how old my kid with Chase would be. I wanted to just move on with my life, but I didn't know how.