Because of You, Well, Us

Chase

Well, I told her, I thought as I drove back towards Yale. I didn't even know why I had come home. There ended up not being anything for me to do at home, probably the main reason why I had let that slip out to Kate. I didn't even know why I had told her. It wasn't as if I expected her to come running back and say it back, I wasn't that delusional. But I figured having it all out on the table would eventually become better than nothing.

It had been stupid, though. Everything about Kate had turned me into such an idiot. Everything she had said had ended up true, but I hadn't lied either. I wanted to be with her, and wanted to do whatever it took. I wanted to talk with someone about what had happened, and I knew only Kate knew exactly how I felt. Not to mention I wanted to be there for her. I knew that Lucy knew, but I also knew that Ellen head left gone for the semester. I had tried to talk to Lance about it a few times, but we weren't really the type of roommates to sit around and talk about our feelings. I knew I could talk to my mom about anything, but I didn't want to drag anyone else into this mess. She loved kids, she constantly joked about becoming a grandma. I couldn't tell her that her dream had almost come true before I had even gotten halfway through college.

Why me? Why did it always have to be me? Everything that had screwed up our friendship felt like my fault. I kissed her, pressured her into sleeping with me over and over again. I said "I love you" first. I'm the one who had gotten her pregnant.

Pregnant. Kate had gotten pregnant. I had gotten Kate pregnant. That usually led to babies. By this time next year, Kate and I would already have a baby. If she hadn't had a miscarriage, she would have had a baby. We would have been parents. We would have been a family. Maybe it turning out differently would turn out to be a mixed blessing, as strange as that seems to think right now. Maybe I wasn't cut out for the family life.

I truly loved Kate. I may have done everything else wrong, but I would never, ever lie to Kate. That's just something I couldn't do. Especially not to Kate. I had meant what I said about wanting to be with her for more than just because we almost had a child together. I'd wanted to have that child with her, and I would have done everything I could to make sure they stayed happy.

That summer I saw Kate around, but not too much and I never talked to her. Something led me to believe that she went back to Maine for a significant chunk of break. Which was a good thing, another mixed blessing because she needed to get away from me. Everything I did just ended up hurting her in some way, shape or form. I had acted like such a jerk to her and I couldn't do that to her anymore. The two of us were better off not being together, at all. Not as friends, and certainly not as a couple.

I passed my freshman year at Yale. Sophomore year, I went out for the soccer team. By a small miracle, I made the cut.

The next few years are a totally different story.