Because of You, Well, Us

Kate

Chase had actually taken the news a lot better than I thought he would. I half expected him to drop on one knee after I told him. I didn't want to hurt him. He had always seemed so kind to me. Gentle and sweet. If Lucy hadn't told me to, I would have never let him know about... the baby.

Baby. Pregnant. I had been pregnant for a month. Me pregnant, at nineteen? Not exactly how I had planned my life going.

I called Lucy right after I had gotten back. Knowing Lucy, she would still be awake. I told her about meeting with Chase, and she demanded I call her when I got back.

"Kate, what happened?" She said instead of a hello.

I could feel myself breaking as I told her. "He seemed mad that I didn't tell him first thing. He got so mad, but then he became so nice. Chase didn't do anything I thought he would do."

I started trying to scrounge for something that smelled of the weekend with Chase. The one time I didn't have a care in the world, and look where it got me. Lucy started to cry because she wasn't there for me. I started to cry even harder for the same reason.

"Kate I'm so sorry" Lucy sniffled. "I hate that I'm so far away from you."

"Me too." I choked. I wanted someone here. I hated that I feeling all alone. Ellen went to England for the semester, and had left shortly after that night at Crazy Pete's. She had no idea what happened, and I doubted I would ever tell her. I had never felt so alone in my life.

Crying became a regular thing for me now. On the rare occasion I lost it in public, I used the excuse that I had just gotten off the phone with my dad and my dog had died.

I didn't see or talk to Chase again until I went home for spring break. I found him out side in his yard messing around with a soccer ball and I had gone on a run. I didn't expect either of us to do anything about it, but then he called my name. I didn't even recognize him at first because he had started wearing contacts instead of glasses sometimes, and he wore contacts that day.

"Kate! C'mere you!" Pixels of walking around New Haven, the look on his face after I had told him, walking away, everything, quickly, constantly flickered in my mind.

I took out my earbuds and went over to him anyway. Since we both looked sweaty and gross, he swung me around in a huge bear hug, the kind only Chase could give. It had been ages since I had gotten one, and I had missed them. He took me by the hand, and we were walking towards the park. Our park. We sat in the rare rays of sunlight before he said anything.

"Have you told anyone other than Lucy about the-" He half pointed to my stomach.

"No." I said, lying down in the grass. "Have you?" I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He just shook his head.

After a minute or two, Chase spoke up again, "Well, I wanted to tell you something that night." Chase took my hand again to pull me back up.

"What?" A strange feeling in my chest let me know I had a decent idea what he wanted to say.

"I wanted to- I meant to say-" He stuttered. "I love you, Kate. I really do. Not because of what happened, not because of the baby. I just... I love you. Plain and simple." He smiled, "I love you."

I felt my stomach clench in this odd sense of both dread and joy. I'd wanted to hear him say it, I had a pretty decent idea I felt the same way about him. I didn't know why I couldn't say I loved him too and then we could be together. We had already gone through so much that I had a decent feeling we could make it, but I just couldn't do it right now.

"Chase, I-" The look on his face looked so hopeful, I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to lead him on anymore, "Chase, I can't do this. I'm sorry." I got up and started to walk away, but I heard him come up behind me.

"Why?" He asked. I tried to keep walking away, but he kept following me. "Kate, talk to me. I want to know why. I can't just say something like 'I love you', and then have you walk away and not want an explanation."

My throat clenched and I could feel my eyes welling up. I felt myself getting so angry with him, and I didn't know why. The guy I had been in love with for most of my life had just said he loved me, and I only felt anger? I'd wanted this in high school, but always said waiting until college would end up better. Now here I just like I did back in high school while in college. I sensed Chase losing patience.

"Kate, what is going on? You've known I've had feelings for you for a long time. Kate, we slept together. I don't know about you, but that means something to me. I didn't sleep with you just for sex, you know there's no 'just' something with us. We mean too much to each other." Chase stepped in front of me so that I couldn't walk away without passing him. He put his hands on my waist, and held me close. I placed my hands on his chest to put a bit of distance between us, and it reminded me of that Saturday morning many months ago, the last time we had held each other like this: We lie in my bed together; Chase had nibbled my ear and then whispered something low and sexy before coming inside of me. I knew I had to get out quickly, but I also had to tell him.

I knew why I couldn't be with him. I knew i every time I saw him, I would think about the baby. I would think about the thing that we had created, and I had lost. I would go over again and again what I did wrong and how I could have gone about saving it. I would think about how I should have told him the second I knew. I should have called him instead of Lucy. And I told him this, very loudly.

I took a deep breath to try and stay calm, "Every time I look at you, I can only think about what it would have been like. If it would have looked more like you, or more like me. I think about what I would have done, and what would look different. If my running had rubbed off on it, or if it would have become a soccer player like you. And I can't take it. I just can't. I can't have the constant reminder of what could have happened."

I could tell that I started crying. The look on Chase's face made me want to cry even harder. He seemed close to crying himself. "Maybe the fact that I'm not pregnant with your kid is some sort of sign that we're not supposed to get together." I could feel Chase fighting to hold me closer, but I didn't want him to hold me like this. I couldn't have him like this around me. It felt like too much.

His voice got soft, and I could tell that if we didn't stop talking soon, both of us would start crying,

"Me too, Kate. I'm the same way. I wake up every morning and I think about how far along you would be that day. I think about what I would do or what we could do to become a family. But Kate, if we got together, we could feel sad together, we could think about what we lost together. We could get through it together. We could make another baby when the time was right. Come on Kate, we're both ready for this and you know it. We're not in high school anymore. We're not stupid like back them. Stop fighting it and just be with me. Let me be with you." Tears sprung in his eyes, but Chase tried hiding it. One of his hands went from my waist to my cheek to brush a tear away. "Please, Katie. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to us." He whispered. Then his voice got even softer, "I need you." The cliche single tear fell from his eye, but I knew what Chase wouldn't lie, not to me.

He said all of the right things, I knew it. I knew I should just go for it. I knew I loved him. I knew I wanted to be with him. I knew all of this, but something held me back. I couldn't mourn with someone just yet. I just didn't know how to tell him, so I took the coward's way out.

"Chase, I can't. I'm sorry." I took his hands off my face and walked away. I could tell he I'd made him upset. I heard him start to run laps, something I knew he hated and only did when he felt completely helpless. I felt terrible, but everything I said was true. I just hadn't admitted it to myself. I loved him so much, but I couldn't just give part of myself to him, not with Chase.