Is This A Fairytale (A MGG Fanfiction)

Chapter 14: Baggage

***Mentions of abuse and rape***

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I lay next to Matthew, but I don't go back to sleep like he does. I know he's sleeping because he snores. Loudly. I can't help but play different scenarios through my mind about what had happened last night. Matthew and I have never slept in the same bed, had never been intimate. We've made-out, a lot. We've seen each other in our underwear, obviously considering last night's spontaneous dance party in the rain, but that's no different than us seeing each other in our swimsuits when we hit the hot tub. Matthew and I have been engaged for 4 months, and Matthew has always gotten the message when I don't want to go any further. He respects my boundaries. It's not that I don't want to BE with him, I do, I really do, but I'm afraid that all the baggage I carry, the baggage Matthew doesn't know about, will change his mind about me.

Matthew stirs next to me, he's awake.

"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" He asks softly.

"I'd rather not," I say.

"Kaylie, please, did I do something wrong? Please tell me." Matthew pleads.

I turn to look him in the eye. "Are you sure you want to know?" I ask.

"Yes," he says as he brushes a strand of hair from my face and leaves his hand resting on my cheek, stroking it with his thumb.

"Promise you won't get mad at me," I say.

"That could never happen, I promise," he says.

"I panicked a bit when I woke up earlier this morning. It's just I was surprised to wake up in the same bed as you. We've fallen asleep on the couch together, but we've never slept in the same bed. I always stay in the guest room. You are so amazing, and you respect my boundaries, you never take things further than I'm comfortable with. So, when I woke up and couldn't remember what happened last night, I freaked out," I say, embarrassed.

"Kaylie, nothing happened, I swear. I would never take advantage of you. You fell asleep brushing your hair while I was in the shower. I didn't want to wake you, by taking you to your room, so I just put you in my bed. I laid down on top of the covers. Honestly, I don't remember when I got under them, but nothing happened." Matthew emphasizes the word nothing.

"I believe you, I knew nothing probably happened, I just freaked out a bit," I say.

"Is there some reason you would be afraid of something happening," Matthew questions.

I look into Matthew's eye, full of such love and concern, I know I can trust him, I love him, and this is something he needs to know.

"Are you sure you want to hear about all my baggage?" I ask. He nods. I sit up and face the window, the sun shining brightly though the curtains. I can't look Matthew in the eyes as I tell him my story. I just jump right in or I'll never get through it.

"It started when I was 3, a close family friend...he, uhh...he molested me until I was 6 years old. No one ever knew, and I think he did the same to my older sister, but we never talked about it. When I was a little older, my parents separated for a few years because my mom was cheating on my dad. Her boyfriend moved into the house, he soon became an abusive drunk. He beat us and yelled at us constantly. I went through so much physical and emotional trauma in those few years before my parents worked things out and got back together. By then I was in middle school, and I wasn't popular. People were my friends because they pitied me. I was the weird girl that no one liked, that's when my struggle with depression, anxiety, anorexia, thoughts of self-harm began," I pause, and Matthew places his hand on my shoulder squeezing slightly, "I had my first serious relationship in high school, we were together for 2 and a half years, he went on a trip to Italy with his family one summer, and he came back different, distant. It turns out he met a girl there who just happened to live a few towns over. He was seeing her behind my back for about 2 months before he finally broke up with me. All of our friends took his side and I was left alone during my first real heartbreak. He ended up breaking up with this girl a few months later and has since gone through a string of girls. I didn't date again until college. My first relationship then only lasted 13 days. All he wanted was sex, and one night he tried to rape me. About a year later I met another guy, we seemed to hit it off, we started dating and were together for just over a year and a half. He was planning on proposing, he just needed money to buy a ring, but we already lived together, it saved money as we were both students. He had pressured and guilted me into having sex with him. Then I found out he was cheating on me. We broke up and he immediately began publicly dating this other woman. 3 months later they were engaged and 7 months after that they were married. A friend from back home went to the same college as me, and we reconnected, sex just kind of happened, then I find out he had no interest in dating me, he just needed a fling to make his ex jealous," I stop talking, I just stare out the window as tears fall down my cheeks.

Matthew is sitting up behind me now, he skootches next to me and wraps me in his arms around me  and just rocks me back and forth. Neither of us says anything for a long while.

"I'm sorry, I just..I have so many issues and I've been hurt so many times, I'm afraid of going through it all again." I whisper through tears.

"I will never hurt you like those other guys did. Kaylie, I love you more than anything, I would never pressure you into anything you don't want to do, I will wait as long as I have to." Matthew says assuringly.

"I love you," I say to Matthew.

"Well, my darling, how about some breakfast?" Matthew asks, still holding me close to his chest.

"That sounds wonderful," I say.