Is This A Fairytale (A MGG Fanfiction)

Chapter 36: Dr. Matherson

Kaylie's Point of View

"Kaylie, sweetie, it's time to wake up," I hear Matthew say as he shakes my shoulder. I turn over, looking at him through half opened eyes.

"I think I'm going to sleep a little longer" I mumble.

"Kaylie, there's someone here to see you," Matthew says, I sit up and look towards the bedroom door.

"This is Dr. Matherson, she's just here to talk," Matthew says.

"Hello, Kaylie, would it be okay if I came in? As your husband said, I'm just here to talk to you." Dr. Matherson states.

"Sure, just let me freshen up and change." Isay, standing up, I walk towards the bathroom.

"I'll be downstairs if you need anything," Matthew says as he gives me a small hug and kiss on the forehead. I stand there and wait for it to be over. I brush my hair and teeth, wash up in the sink a bit, and go back to the bedroom. The doctor is standing in front of the now closed door.

"Please sit down," I say motioning towards the chair by the window. I sit on the edge of the bed. 

"Thank you, Kaylie, do you know why I'm here?" she asks.

"Not really," I reply.

"I'm here because your husband and your friends are worried about you. You've suffered more than one tragedy in your life, and in such a brief period of time. Grieving is a natural part of dealing with traumatic events, but the people who care about you are concerned that you've gone far beyond grieving and healing, and they don't know how to bring you back." She says while looking at her notes she pulled from a large bag, now setting on the floor.

"I appreciate their concern, but I'm fine. I'm just taking some time to myself. I lost my family, was abducted, got pregnant when I was on birth control, lost my baby before he was even born. I think it's fair if I need some time." I say defensively. I don't know where this anger is coming from. 

"Kaylie, when was the last time you took a shower? Changed your clothes? Gone outside?" she asks.

"I..uh..well..I don't know" I stutter over my words. When was the last time I showered or changed these PJ's I think looking down at the wrinkled shirt I was wearing?

"Kaylie, you're not okay, you know that Matthew knows that, your friends know that, and that is exactly why I am here. I want to talk to you, ask a few questions, get a sense of what's going through your mind, and work out a solution to get you back to a normal life." The doctor says in a gentle tone, she's nice, but to the point and she doesn't seem like the kind of person who will sugar-coat the truth. 

"Okay." I say.

"Let's begin as you've said, you've been through a great deal the past year and a half. Which event comes to mind first?" she asks

"Losing the baby, Grayson, Grayson Elliott would have been his name," I say, tears welling behind my eyes. 

"That's a beautiful name," Dr. Matherson begins. How does losing the baby make you feel?"

"How does losing my child make me feel?!" I shout " How do you think it makes me feel. I'm angry. I did nothing to deserve to lose my child,  I made the choice to carry on with the pregnancy, even though it made me sick and weak, and there was no guarantee he would make it to term, but those risks weren't the reason I lost him. I couldn't protect him!"

"Is anger all you feel?" she asks.

"I'm sad, he's gone, I never got to see he smile, or look into his eyes, here his cry or laugh, I'll never be able to see him grow. I'm sad and angry that I can't..."   

"That you can't what?" the doctor says.

"That I lost Matthew's son. The one thing Matthew wanted more than anything in this world was a child, and I couldn't give that to him. I'll never be able to give him a child when I can't even face him, knowing it's my fault. I don't deserve him, he deserves so much better than me. I'm just one problem after another. I wish we had never met." I say.

"Losing Grayson was not your fault, the complications during pregnancy were not your fault. I can tell your husband loves you very much, and he doesn't blame you for what happened. Do you really wish you had never met him?" she asks, giving me a concerned look.

"No of course not, I love Matthew, I just hate myself for everything I've put him through. I imagine Grayson would have looked just like him, I'll never know though."

"Is that why you've been so distant from him because you're mad at yourself, you lost the baby, and I'm reading here, Matthew mentioned that you told him you can no longer have children," she asks.

"I guess so."

"Kaylie, have you been to see your primary doctor recently?" she asks. I shake my head no. "I take it you never returned calls from his office either?" I shake my head again.

"You will have to call your doctor for more details, but I can tell you this when I had my consult with him to prepare for our meeting today, he told me the test results were incorrect. Do you remember the labs he drew at your last appointment, he went over the results, looking for the unique marker that was in previous labs, unique markers he believes were to cause for such a difficult pregnancy. Those markers, they're no longer in your system, and the injuries caused during the trauma and miscarriage, were not as severe as he had thought, you've healed nicely. I can't say for sure, you will need an appointment with your primary doctor to verify, but Kaylie, you should be fully capable of becoming pregnant again with no negative impact to you or the baby." Dr. Matherson says, becoming more excited as she speaks.

"I..what?" I can't find the words. 

"I'm sorry to say we are almost out of time for today, do you have any questions for me?"

"What's wrong with me?" I ask, feeling ashamed of myself.

"My initial diagnosis is severe postpartum depression. You've experienced several traumatic events in such a short period of time, losing your baby pushed you over the edge, there's too much swimming around in that brain of yours for it to sort out naturally. It would explain your fatigue, lack of motivation, anger outbursts, distancing yourself from your husband. I'm sending in a script for Fluoxetine, it's an anti-depressant, I want to see if it helps improve your mood until we have a few more visits under our belt." 

"Okay, thank you doctor." I say as she stands up.

"It was nice meeting you, I promise we will work through this." she says shaking my hand, "I will be back on Friday.

I continue to meet with Dr. Matherson three times a week, I take the medication as prescribed, though I don't it. I'm starting to feel more like myself, we talk every session and pick apart what I'm feeling and why, she has me journal every night before bed to document my feelings from the day, it helps to go over them with her. I'm still having a hard time getting close to Matthew, I just can't forgive myself, but I'm trying. I want my life back, I'm afraid it will be too late, that Matthew won't love me anymore. I can see he's struggling, but I can't bring myself to open up to him. I haven't even told him I am able to have children, that the doctor was wrong the first time. I go to my appointment alone or AJ drives me, but I can't work up the nerve to tell anyone. I could give Matthew a family after all.