His Sunshine, Gabrielle

you lost me rivers

Gabrielle Dasher

      Dear Journal,  I'm free.I can breathe the air that I had missed for so long as it flows through my lungs like the clouds in the sky.I can move around freely like an animal in the forrest.I can feel the warmth of the sun kissing my face and the night's windy air glides along my skin like a figure skater on ice.I'm free...but my heart is caged in.
   It's been 2 months and 6 days that have passed from the time I tried to end my life.I had to stay in the hospital for that long until today, i get to leave and tomorrow i return back to school.I'm doing well now, I no longer hold in my emotions, I have a therapist now who makes me write and talk to her.I take my medication everyday, so I won't hear my demons. Each time I let them talk they would only speak of the reason my heart is no longer alive-- him.
   I learned a lot while being in the hospital for two months and six days.I learned that love is a very rare thing.Some people have the ability to fall in love more than once, but that dosen't apply to me.I know that because when I look at a boy, I compare him to the one boy who completes me.I feel it, I feel that hole in my chest reminding me that the minute he walked away from me was the day I knew what a true broken heart felt like.At first it felt like a fever coming on, your head begans to hurt so bad that you feel that vein on your temple pumping. Then, you began to sweat because you feel this hot burning sensation soaring from your head all the way down to your toes, but the worst part is your heart and hands.Your heart stops then it comes knocking hard against your chest when you don't feel his warmth between your small palms anymore.
   I also learned that I'm still a person that holds grudges.I'm slowly letting go of the grudge I have towards my brothers and mother, but now I created a new one.I held a grudge towards him. The boy who tricked me into thinking he loved me, but in all these months I only recieved a sunflower on Valentine's day and a card saying get well soon from him.I cried my eyes out that day because I would of traded that sunflower and card for him any day.That is why I officially began cutting the pieces of Carter Rivers from my book called Life, but it was a slow process.A process that made me cry and a process that needed to be done.But, even as I write this I hold his sunflower close to my chest in hopes to mend what he tore apart.Me

    - g.

    

    I set my books down on the library table, not worrying if anyone would take them since there wasn't a single soul in the library except myself.I walked in the aisle of books, my fingertips gliding along the cold spines.It was lunch time, but I couldn't go there.He would be there and I wouldn't want to start crying in front of the whole student body, because I know that if I even took one glance at him I would turn into an ocean of tears again.

   I just had to remind myself that school ends in a few more hours then I can go home to Weston.Wes is currently living with us because his mother works to much to make sure he takes his medication everyday, that's why I invited him to stay with us until we began senior year.He adored the idea and with much convincing so did my brothers.A part of me was broken without him,but a part of me felt almost complete with Weston around 24/7.

   I hummed a soft melody, looking at all the different types of books.I had two novels in my hands, only needing one more to complete the limited amount that I could borrow.My eyes settled on the one in front of me, the book was red and the letters upon it were a dark gold.I pulled the book out with a smile on my face, but that smile faded when I looked through the hole where the book once stood only to see him .

    "You look lovely" were the first words that he's spoken to me since he broke up with me.It came out in whisper and I could he hear the way his voice shook.That voice, so sweet and husky.I felt my bones stiffening from the way my heart violently shook against them.I stood their in awe and these two months suddenly felt like two years.