High School // Malec

Chapter 16.

My mind was still a war zone the next morning and no matter how much I actually wanted to go to school and act like a normal teenager for once, I couldn't get myself out of my comfortable bed. After everything that happened with Magnus yesterday, I thought that things would turn out for the better, but I guess I was wrong. Depression isn't something that just goes away because one good thing happened. Depression is almost like a war. You either win or die trying and at the moment, it felt like I was dying. When I'm upset, I shut myself down. I have no motivation for anything and I tell myself that nobody cares about me, even though I know some people actually do. I think about all of the negative things I can think of and I give myself all the pain, thinking I deserve it. I'm not sure why I do it, but I can't help myself. Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes or no blood tests to send to people who are concerned. It's just the slow erosion of self as insidious as cancer and like cancer, it's essentially a solitary experience: a room in hell with your name on the door. There are some people who still try to make diseases like depression, eating disorders and anxiety look romantic, but it's definitely not. Panic attacks, self harm and throwing up is not romantic and if people can't understand that, they're morons. I still remember when I was fifteen years old. It was an ordinary day and just like always, I sat on the buss that would take me to the school. This girl sat next to me and for some reason, she saw one of my many scars on my wrist. She had put one of her hands over it and smiled at me, telling me that my scars are beautiful. At that moment, I felt like crying until I couldn't breathe. My scars are nothing but pain in my eyes and years after that situation, I still can't understand how someone can think they're beautiful.
- Alec, are you in there?
My mums voice broke me out of my thoughts and before I got the chance to answer, the door to my room opened and my mother stepped in.
- Are you okay?
Her voice was shaky and I could tell that she was worried about me.
- I'm fine, I answered
- Fine doesn't always mean fine
She sat down on the edge of my bed and looked at me with pain in her eyes. I knew that seeing me like this was more than devastating for her, but I couldn't help it.
- I hate feeling this weak, I whispered and felt how tears started to make their way down my cheeks
- Alec, depression is not a sign of weakness. It means that you have been strong for far too long
My mother laid down beside me on my bed and pulled me towards her body. It was a long time ago since we were this close and if I'm going to be honest, it felt more than amazing.
- Do you remember what I told you when you returned back home from the hospital? She asked and dragged her hand through my raven hair
- Stars can't shine without a little bit of darkness, I answered
- Exactly. It doesn't matter how slow you go towards happiness, as long as you don't stop, my mother said
- I'm so sorry that I'm not like Max, Izzy or Jace. I would do anything to be as happy as them, I whispered
- Don't you dare say that, Alec. Your dad and I love you no matter what and a diagnose won't change that
- Dad doesn't love me and you know that. He has been even more distant than ever since I ended up at the hospital. In his eyes, I'm a disappointment, I answered
- Robert might not be the most supportive father, but you're still his son and he loves you, mum said
- Why are you not at work? I asked and tried to change the subject
All of this talking about me and my feelings made me want to throw up.
- It's my day off, my mum answered and continued to drag her hands through my raven black hair
- You never have a day off
- I know, that's why I decided to have one. Besides, I felt bad about leaving you home alone every day
- You don't have to feel bad, I said and turned around in my bed so the two of us were facing each other
- You're my baby, Alec. I'm always going to feel bad if I leave you home alone when you feel sad
Instead of answered, I gave her a small smile which she gladly returned. We laid quiet beside each other for a while, taking comfort in each other's presence. In times like this, I realised how lucky I am to have such a wonderful mother that loves and cares about me. The thought of her taking a day off from work made me want to scream.
- Your doctor called this morning, mother said after a while of silence
- Yeah? I stuttered
- He wants to do a little check up and make sure that you don't self harm or have any suicidal thoughts
- Do I still have to go to attend the meetings with the support group?
- Yes
- I actually met someone there last time, I said and took a deep breathe
I hadn't talked about Magnus with my mother and especially not with dad, but since we used to be best friends when we were nine, I wanted to see if mum remember him.
- You did? Who? Mum asked and looked at me with wide eyes
- Magnus Bane
- Your third grade friend Magnus Bane? She asked and continued to look at me with wide eyes
- Yeah, I answered
- By the angel, I never thought that I would hear that name again. I still remember how the two of you used to play every day after school
- That was a long time ago, I said and couldn't help myself but smile
- What was he doing there? At the meeting? My mother asked
- I'm not really sure, but I think it might has something to do with his mother, I answered
- Mackenzie?
- You know his mother? I asked
- Yes, Mackenzie and I met each other for the first time when she and her family moved here from Indonesia and then we continued to see each other when you and Magnus started to hang out, my mother answered
- Oh, I whispered
- Has something happened to her?
- She killed herself, I whispered and felt how the lump in my throat only grew bigger for every second
- What? My mother asked chocked and looked at me with a surprised facial expression
- Yeah, I answered
- When did it happen?
- Only a couple of days after you and dad had adopted Jace
- Oh my god, my mother answered
- He tried to talk to me about it, but I was too busy with Jace, I said and didn't dare to look my mother in the eyes due the embarrassment
- Alec, it's not your fault
- No, it is my fault. When you and dad adopted Jace, I got so busy that I forgot all about Magnus. I left him when he needed me the most and that's why he started bullying me, I said and felt how the tears started to make their way down my cheeks
- He bullies you? My mother asked and a flash of anger could he seen in her usually beautiful eyes
- He did, but not anymore. We had to work together for a project and we started talking. Before I knew it we met each other at the support group and we finally opened up and talked about our feelings, I said
- Alec, he bullied you. Don't you understand how serious that is? My mother asked and I could tell that she still was pretty angry
- He all the rights to bully me, mum. Magnus needed me and I left him all alone. Besides, it doesn't even matter anymore. He was actually here yesterday and we talked
- Yeah? My mother asked, meaning that I should continue to talk
- He apologised for treating me like shit and he said that he wanted me back into his life, just like I want him back into mine, I answered
- You really care about him, don't you? My mother said and the anger was replaced with a soft expression
- How do you know? I asked
- You have that smile on your lips that you usually have when you look at your siblings. It easily shows that you care deeply about them
- I do care about Magnus. We used to be best friends back in time and I truly want that again
- Promise me that you will be careful, okay? You're my baby and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, my mother said and smiled
- I promise, I whispered
My mother left my room after a while, claiming that she would make lunch for the two of us. I stayed in my bed for some more minutes and thereafter, I decided to take a shower. When I returned back into my bedroom, I saw that I had a missed call from Simon and a couple of text messages from him, saying that he misses me and that school isn't the same without me. I smiled by the thought of Simon and actually felt happy that I had a friend like him in my life. I noticed that I had one more missed text message and when I saw who it was from, I couldn't help but feel like my heart was going to explode.
"I hope you feel better today. I started to work on our project today and if you want, I can come over later today and we can work on it together -Magnus"
I can't believe that he actually texted me and asked if he could come over later today. How sweet isn't that?
"Remember what I told you yesterday, you're always welcome to come here -Alec"
I actually had to pinch myself in the arm and make sure that I wasn't dreaming or something. I never thought that Magnus and I would become friends again and I definitely never thought that he would be the one to text me first.
"How are you feeling?"
Did I just die and went to heaven? Magnus Bane is actually asking how I'm feeling. God, I'm seriously going to die from lack of oxygen.
"Pretty much the same as yesterday. What about you? Have you talked to Camille?"
I really didn't want to bring up Camille and probably make him sad again, but I really needed to know what was going on between them.
"No, she doesn't even look at me"
My heart broke when I received that text message from Magnus. How can someone be so cruel that they cheat on you and then completely ignore you like you're the one who did something terrible wrong? Ugh.
"You deserve someone better than her, Magnus. You know that"
The sound of my mother who called that the lunch was ready What was broke my out of my trance. Magnus still hadn't answer so I put down my phone on my nightstand and walked down the stairs, exited to finally get something to eat.

// TBC \\

I decided to update one more time today since I felt bad about not updating for a while🙈